rc45 | Mission: A Modicum of Pleasure

Title: A Modicum of Pleasure
Author: xTJGx
Obligatory Linkage: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3912670/1/A_Modicum_of_Pleasure
Sporked by:

agenttrojie and

tea_fiend
Sporking rated:
Sporkers' notes: Dumbledore and Dobby. There are no words. Consider yourself warned. NSFW, NSFB. This is the closest we ever came to actually having to stop writing so we could sit in a corner clutching a bottle and rocking back and forth while waiting for the men in white coats to come and take us away. It hurt. Thanks to

ansela_jonla,

lady_rilwen and

cassie5squared for the beta. We applaud your bravery, even if we don't understand why you were all so eager.

March 2009 HST

'So when you say 'Science', what you actually mean is 'ooh, shiny, must pilfer'?'

'No!'

'Look, I'm trying to decipher the inner workings of your fruitloop-shaped brain, woman, stop getting huffy.'

'Science is... Science!' said Trojie hotly. She flailed a little. 'It's truth, and, and... justice, and -'

'Reasonably priced love?'

'Yes! Wait, no! No!'

'And since when did we capitalise it like it's a proper noun?' Pads asked, musing.

'Dunno,' said Trojie, pouting and clutching a retort stand to her chest. 'And I'm not giving it up, either.'

'Given you never seem to do anything with all the things you collect for Science, I'm not too worried on that score, particularly since you installed the quantum cupboards.'

'What do you know about the cupboards?' Trojie asked suspiciously.

'Nothing whatsoever, except I put my fags in there yesterday and they turned up last week. And occasionally I hear something screaming in the depths in there.'

'Better in the cupboard than all over the console,' Trojie pointed out, quite reasonably, especially when one considered the jar full of foreskin she was currently gesticulating with. 'Now, where are those pheromones? I have tests to run.'

'I probably shouldn't ask, but is Lux going to be involved?' Pads asked glumly.

'Only if I wanted to run a biased trial,' said Trojie tetchily. 'Despite the fact that she'd probably be the only willing volunteer I'd ever get who doesn't actually exude their own damned miracle pheromones. No, Lux is not involved, and if you'll excuse me I was just about to use this opportunity to get down to the Cafeteria and ask -'

BEEEEEP!

'Thrice damn, blast and bugger-all,' said Trojie, putting down her jars and slightly pointless retort stand with a sigh.

'You really do have a talent for attracting the Ironic Overpower, you know that?' said Pads as Trojie flopped on her animal- and mini-covered bunk and waited for Pads's summary of the latest mission.

'Sweet merciful Glod,' said the Animagus a few minutes later. 'You're really not going to believe this one.'

'...what is it?' asked Trojie with some trepidation.

'Potterverse,' said Pads slowly. 'Er.'

'Er what?'

'Dumbledore slash Dobby?' Pads said in a voice that rang with disgust. Trojie sat up, her face showing a worrying level of interest.

'Do house elves have compatible genitalia with humans, then?' she asked.

'I don't know, but I suspect we're about to find out. Get the books.'

Trojie did so, jamming them into the top of the Bag, and pausing to check she had an adequate supply of specimen jars to hand. Satisfied, she turned to Pads, who conjured a portal, and a moment later they found themselves in the drifting grey mist that preceded an author's note.

Authors' Note: This is a story created spontaneously by the three of us at the crack of dawn. Feel free to leave any sort of comment or reaction...this story was not made to be offensive. Feedback of all sorts welcome and appreciated. Please review!

'I'm... not sure that's the standard definition of crackfic,' Trojie said uncertainly.

'I'm not sure that's the standard use of ellipses either,' said Pads, with a derisive sniff. 'Honestly, the space bar, it doesn't bite.'

They say that a full moon brings out the carnal lust in magical creatures; and we do mean “creatures.”

'That would be Dobby, I'm guessing?' Trojie asked. 'And they don't say that, to the best of my knowledge. You're a Potterverse thingummy yourself, do they say it there?'

'Only about werewolves, and then it's less carnal lust and more nasty great big pointy teeth, really,' said Pads reflectively.

'That's what I thought.'

They were in Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts, and the Headmaster himself was sitting behind his desk. Apparently his eyes were 'x-ray-like'.

'Charge for that,' Trojie said. 'Wizards don't use x-rays. Even as similes.'

'Took the words right out of my mouth,' said Pads, writing it down.

'...Okay, I know you look upon this as some kind of game - can you justify to me why Dobby greets Dumbledore, whom he has the greatest respect for, by showing him his arse?'

Pads raised an eyebrow. 'I'm not even going to try.'

'Probably for the best.'

'Okay, urple crack. This is new,' said Pads, as the phrases 'senile yet passionate nature' and 'primal and guttural moan' floated past them.

'It's badfic, therefore it doesn't count as crack,' said Trojie. 'Crack is, as a general rule, goodfic that contains both elements that are normally found in badfic, and high levels of humour and good writing, which elevate it from the level of badfic to goodfic.'

'Have you been reading the Manual again?' asked Pads accusingly.

'Look, sometimes a girl likes to read something in which people don't have it off,' said Trojie defensively. 'And I think the Lace is starting to get suspicious of our procedures again, okay, I'm just being pre-emptive.'

'If I may advance a completely spurious charge, you can't really have dark periwinkle. Periwinkle blue is a pale blue. Dark periwinkle is an oxymoron,' Pads said, scribbling.

“How may I serve you tonight, master,” whispered Dobby fearfully. His luminous green eyes were downcast as he bowed again, awaiting his master’s first order of the night

'I thought Dobby was a free elf,' Trojie pointed out.

'Yeah. Unless this is pre-CoS. In which case he's still following Luscious's orders.'

'So Lucius Malfoy has... ordered his house elf to be Dumbledore's sex slave.'

'It would appear so,' Pads said, scribbling rapidly. 'Unless he's following Harry's instructions.'

Trojie eyed the scene, but the glassiness of her gaze suggested that she was watching the Words rather more. 'I really don't want to know what Dobby's 'usual position' is, do I?' she asked, stony-faced.

'Well, you're not going to find out,' said Pads, wrapping a comforting arm around her partner's waist. 'Because Dumbledore isn't interested in the usual, apparently.'

'What do you - oh,' Trojie said, then attempted to facepalm whilst being hugged. 'Chains? Whoop-de-doo. Badly-written sex becomes badly-written kink, just add chains.'

'There's also a definite allergy to hyphens and the enter key in this fic,' said Pads, propping her notebook on Trojie's forehead and adding her complaints to the chargelist. 'Sorry, dear, but you're a convenient height,' she added.

'Why on earth didn't I clock you months ago?' grumbled Trojie.

'Because I'm the darling light of your life, even if we both had to change sex to get you to admit it?'

'Okay, of all the things to chain someone to in this office, he chooses the ceiling?' Trojie said disbelievingly, ignoring the 'darling light of your life' call.

'...yeah, not really thinking logistically there, really, these authors.'

From below, Dumbledore admired every peak and valley of Dobby’s small buttocks- the product of many years of hard labor. His eyes locked in on his target, and he almost came right then and there at the sight of the quivering chasm.

'...I have no words,' Pads said in a small voice.

'That's alright,' groaned Trojie. 'I've got plenty. Tell me, have you ever come across a bottom being likened to geology before?'

'No, thank Glod.'

'Charge for the peaks and valleys, please. And for making me nauseous. Bums shouldn't be so lumpy.'

'They shouldn't have quivering chasms in them either. I'm having visions of explosive diarrhoea.'

'Please don't tempt the Ironic Overpower,' Trojie pleaded, staring at the Words with a fixed and determined glare. 'Although,' she added, 'you're probably right. This will get messy.'

'Dare I ask?'

'You can look, if you like.' Trojie gently turned Pads's face towards the canons, and held her hand supportively as the Animagus took in the sight of Dumbledore's penis. All seventeen inches of it.

'...no-one mentioned he was a horse in this fic,' she said in a very tiny and very, very angry voice.

'Not a horse, just abusing an Engorgio spell,' said Trojie, attempting to look on the bright side. 'Which means you can fix him, right?'

'If you mean 'fix him' as in 'get him fixed',' said Pads, with an angry gleam in her eye, 'then most certainly.'

'We're not actually supposed to castrate canon characters,' said Trojie reluctantly. 'Although I'd quite like to do something of the sort to the authors of this, I mean honestly. Quite apart from the bad sex, the non-con and all the rest, would you listen to the descriptions for a minute? 'Being torn in two; from the inside out'?'

'Yes, and misuse of semi-colons,' Pads added.

'And Dumbledore having a dagger of doom,' Trojie said, wincing as the Word World put a rather sharp edge on Dumbledore's penis.

'And misuse of Wingardium Leviosa. It's... really not the kinkiest of spells. This is just...'

'Abnormal,' Trojie said. 'Demented. Terrifying. Wrong.'

'I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of time,' Pads moaned, burying her face in Trojie's hair. 'Please, make it stop?'

'Now that I can do,' said Trojie, reaching into her pocket and grabbing her bell. 'Er, are you going to let me go or am I going to do this with you wrapped around me like a limpet?'

Pads didn't take her face away, and simply muttered, a little muffled, 'Not moving. Can't watch.'

'Fine, but I'm going to need you to do the magic afterwards to get the pair of them down,' Trojie said, hauling her partner forward and clanging the bell. 'Avaunt, foul spirit of non-con urple brain-breaking stupid foul disgustingly-written punctuationally challenged badslash!'

Dumbledore looked down at them. Trojie gulped, and proceeded to rush the rest of the exorcism. He did not look impressed.

'I banish non-con! I banish cross-species bondage porn! I banish poor use of magic! I banish out-of-characterness! Glod, Pads, get your wand out now!'

Pads detangled herself from her partner and drew her wand just as Dumbledore and Dobby both disgorged ugly, pulsating clouds of Author-wraith. With a quick flick of her wand, the wraith dispersed, and the canons fell to the floor, unconscious. Another swish of the wand had Dumbledore's robes closing over his rapidly shrinking bits, although it took rather more effort before Pads realised that healing the mess the fic had made of Dobby's rectum was beyond her.

'I think we're going to need to take him to Medical.'

'You know what Doc Fitz said,' Trojie protested.

'I think he was referring to standard unlubricated events,' Pads said, prodding at the house elf with her wand-tip. 'Not seventeen-inch monsters. And I was never great shakes at healing spells.'

Reluctantly, Trojie fished around in the Bag, and brought up the bright red medical kit with the biohazard labels on it that Doc Fitz had given her months ago and that they had, so far, managed to avoid having to use. 'I think, er, this is going to be another bit you aren't going to want to watch,' she said, pulling on a pair of gloves and taking out a very small and esoterically-modified cell-regenerator.

Pads obediently turned away. There were a few moments of near silence, and then the sound of gloves being pulled off.

'If at all possible,' said Trojie in a strained voice, 'it would be nice if we never ever had to do that again. Ever. Ever, ever. Ever. Please.'

'Amen,' said Pads, pulling Dobby's teatowel back down for modesty and helping him to sit up. Dumbledore had dealt with his own clothing situation and was now sitting in his chair again.

'Ladies,' the wizard said, turning to them. 'We meet again. To what do I owe the pleasure?' he asked, his voice shaking only slightly as he pointedly avoided making eye contact with Dobby.

'There wasn't any,' Pads told him shortly. 'I'm sorry, sir, but if you could just look at this little stick here -'

FLASH

'Professor Dumbledore, you summoned Dobby here to bring you a midnight snack. He's about to leave and go back to the kitchens. You aren't a 'creature' and you don't go into any kind of magic-induced lust. Dobby, this never happened.'

A loud POP heralded Dobby's departure, and Trojie opened a portal in the shadows of the room to take the two Agents back home.

'I want my bed,' Pads said.

'Seconded. Bed, and a cuddle, and hot cocoa and chocolate biscuits.'

'And Bleeprin.'

'Yes, lots of that.'

'And -'

BEEEP!

'- Blast.'

'I guess we're fixing this the old fashioned way then,' Trojie said, and held up the neuralyser. She tightened her arm round her partner's waist, and took a deep breath. 'See you on the flip side.'

FLASH