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The Context

This all takes place in the universe of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, an organisation of ficcers who are both annoyed with and amused by badfic. They write their Agent characters into various badfics and 'fix' the issues by a) noting them down in an orderly and responsible fashion and then b) kicking the shit out of the Mary Sue or Author-wraith (in the case of fic without Sues) responsible. The PPC was invented by the authors of Agents Jay and Acacia and their original missions can be found here.

[livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend write PPC missions that deal with smutfic, usually slash, but also het and any other variants. Basically, if it's got bad sex and bad biology in it, we want to jump up and down on it with the spiky boots. All in the name of fun, obviously. Our credentials are that we ourselves are inveterate slashers, [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend has a degree in English and Creative Writing and [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie has a degree in biology and geology (and is now a palaeontology student), and therefore at least most of the time we know what we're talking about when it comes to errors in either construction or content in slash. We very much believe in the existence of good slash and good smutfic, and we'd rather the sporking of bad slash was in the hands of slashers, rather than in the hands of people who dislike slash on principle because of the whole 'boys gettin' it on' aspect.


The Heroes

The oldest (in terms of length of career) Agent in our stable is Agent Trojie (short for Trojanhorse) who, unsurprisingly, was thought up by and is mostly based on [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie, or at least, was early on. These days they are far from being the same character.

Agent Trojie is of medium height, generic-Caucasian, and from the Real World, or rather, from Earth. The same Earth you currently live on. The necessity of pointing this out will become clear later. Trojie was once a student at an Earth university, studying geology and biology, when she volunteered for PPC service. She was assigned immediately to the Department of Bad Slash, and has not moved either department or Response Centre since. Her first partner was Agent Soulshadow, a half-demoness with a very bad temper, who finally snapped and went missing in 2005.

Trojie had a brief period of madness in 2006. The results of this appear to have been her suddenly denying the existence and, indeed, logic of heterosexual relationships, and developing a chronic desire to steal anything and everything related in any way to the Discworld, Terry Pratchett or Neil Gaiman.

In 2007 Trojie worked on an eclectic series of missions with one-off partners, the majority of which have not been documented. In 2008 her career picked up, with the sporking of LittlefootxCera and the recruitment of a new permanent partner, Agent Paddlebrains. This pair have been extremely busy over the past year, sporking nearly thirty fics together, fighting (reluctantly) alongside their fellow Agents in the 2008 Mary Sue invasion of Headquarters, adopting children and minis, and, eventually, becoming a couple.

Trojie has one child by adoption, a juvenile Triceratops horridus from the Land Before Time continuum, who is a Sued version of Cera Threehorn. She was renamed Marsha, and lives in the Nursery until such time as she is deemed adult and well-taught enough to become an Assassin.

Trojie's main partner is Agent Paddlebrains, or Pads (or 'Sirius Black' on offical paperwork and when Trojie wants to be a bitch). Pads was born in a Potterverse roleplay, and is a combination of Sirius Black circa 1978 and her author, [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend. Her roleplay had a rather more fluid notion of gender (hence her female incarnation in the PPC) than that found in the Real World, and so she found herself well suited for the Department of Bad Slash. Shortly after being assigned to RC#45, she began wooing her partner, initially with limited success.

Pads is an incorrigibly filthy-minded chainsmoker with a penchant for boots. She also has an affinity with electronics and the Internet, and put this to good use writing an algorithm to divert missions in choice continua to their console. This backfires frequently, either bringing them missions in continua they know nothing about, or else bringing them missions in familiar continua but which are Suefic, rather than slashfic. As both Agents, whilst being resistant to smutfic, violently hate Sues and are known to be almost incapable of dealing with them, this is a rather spectacular backfire indeed.

In the summer of 2008, Trojie and Pads were assigned an mpreg mission in the Real World. As a result of this, Pads ended up carrying the child of tennis players Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer. Said child was named Spencer Black (after Spencer Gore, first winner of Wimbledon) and carried almost to term by Pads until her participation in the sporking of an mpreg fic in which Sirius Black was pregnant - the fic asserted that Sirius gave birth, thus forcing both Pads and the 'real' Sirius into labour. Pads decided to adopt the other baby, the son of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, at the same time, as he was technically her Spencer's 'half-twin'. Named Andy Henson Black, he and his sibling both currently reside in the Nursery.

For the latter half of 2008, Trojie and Pads had a new Agent, Oscar Henson, to train up. He was a Nursery baby, the son of Jareth and Hoggle of the Labyrinth, who grew up in the PPC, and due to his origins was deemed the ideal first agent for the new Division of Mpreg. He is a sensible lad with an endearing innocence that Agent Luxury seems determined to relieve him of. Despite the fact that he now has a partner and missions of his own, he is often roped in to help Trojie and Pads when they feel they need bait backup.

As of early-mid 2009, Oscar gained a partner, Agent Iza, formerly of the Department of Mary Sues (and created by [livejournal.com profile] sedri). She is a perky Bajoran ex-bit character from the Trekverse.

Trojie and Pads are technically referred to as 'freelancers', meaning that they are Bad Slash agents who aren't assigned to any particular Division or continuum. They may go where they please, although they specialise in NC-17 fic, fic which is particularly disturbing, fic involving characters with complicated biology, or fic involving dinosaurs. You'd be really surprised how much there is of that last.

We write for other Departments and Divisions of the PPC as well:

The Department of Bad Slash's Division of Bad Het: This is currently staffed by Agent Gypsy Roberts, a browncoat from the Firefly continuum with an itchy trigger finger and a stoic demeanour, and Agent Katie Cray, usually known as Cray, a psychic from the Marvelverse with an affinity for alligators, who belongs to [livejournal.com profile] julyflame. Few mission reports have so far been forthcoming from this pair, but they are extremely suspicious of each other and tend to spend most of their time fighting amongst themselves.

The Department of Character Protective Services, Real Person Division: The two Agents who look after the actors from the Narnia films are Veridian Green, more usually called 'Ridian, an ex-stripper and gentleman of negotiable affection from Ankh-Morpork, and Stevius, an uncanonical Faun and child of Mr Tumnus and a Sue. 'Ridian is the newbie, a soft-touch who loves children, small fluffy animals and Morris dancing, whereas Stevius is an ex-Assassin and tends to project an air of almost Spock-like logic and lack of emotion during missions, but who enjoys playing the panpipes and participating in all kinds of folk dancing during his downtime. They frequently disagree over the subject of Skandar Keynes, whom 'Ridian is ridiculously protective over, which annoys Stevius as it often impedes their work and renders 'Ridian incapable of being objective.

The Department of Angst: Agents Montbretia Tornquist and Lasa Nara deal with excessively angsty fic. Mombi is an overly cheerful twentysomething, blind as a bat without her glasses and with a punch like Captain Carrot's. Lasa is a reclusive, angry teenager who likes Proust and any other author considered by the vast majority of people as being difficult to read. She likes a challenge. Mombi tends to serve as the sole link to the world outside the RC for Lasa, who is rarely seen in public.


Supporting Cast

Various other creatures inhabit the PPC. Ones who are likely to be run across in our chronicles are those that live in Response Centre 45, and the various Heads of PPC Departments, which tend to be giant sentient flowers, or rather, Flowers.

Pets and Minis

Absinthe is Trojie's sniffer dog. She is a green-brindled Great Dane bitch, spawned in a badfic by poor use of the phrase 'green puppy eyes'. Due to unknown forces, possibly the weird passage of time in HQ, she grew rather large, even for a Dane - she stands an even four foot at the shoulder. She's incredibly friendly and lives to slobber on people, which can be alarming if you're experiencing it for the first time. Her talent is the ability to find people and, more usefullly, canon characters, by sniffing them out.

The Unnamed Cat is just that, a cat picked up in a Discworld Suefic in which the Sue resolutely refused to name him. He belongs to Pads, over whom he is somewhat territorial.

Apple, or more formally 'byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple)', is a mini-Chimera from the Fullmetal Alchemist continuum, given to Trojie by Agent Anjilly Ka. She is a hybrid of hawk and Golden Retriever, and is partially engaged in a three-way canine territorial struggle for a place on the bunkbeds with Absinthe and Pads (who slept in her dog form throughout 2008 as a way of stealth-snuggling Trojie).

Madam Pomphrey is a mini-Aragog from the Potterverse and the only mini in the RC capable of speech. She was accidentally deposited there by Oscar when he was flustered by Pads' imminent motherhood and not paying attention to what he was doing. She has settled in just fine under the console, aside from occasionally having to fend off Apple, who wants to know if she's edible.

Edmond is a mini-Dragon from the Narnia continuum who was offered to Trojie by [livejournal.com profile] sedri. Trojie, being a devotee of Edmund Pevensie and incapable of saying no to animals, of course said yes, much to Pads' disgruntlement.

Elebereth is a LOTR-verse mini-Balrog who was accidentally created by [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend who, by way of penitence, dumped her upon their Agents. She and Edmond occasionally have fire-fights, to the general detriment of the already cluttered and damaged RC.

The Quantum Weather Butterflies were brought to the RC from the Discworld as caterpillars by Trojie in a bid to torture captured Author-wraiths. This experiment was found to be too unwieldy and time-consuming, but instead of getting rid of the butterflies, Trojie let them stay. Over the years, they have established a small population in the RC, where they live mostly unassumingly, only occasionally causing small localised patches of inclement weather. This is useful when the tiny thunderstorms occur over places Edmond and Elebereth have set on fire.

Other Beings

The Queen Anne's Lace is the Head of Department of the Department of Bad Slash. Like all Flowers, she is not given to too much sympathy for her Agents, and likes mind-games, but she is at least slightly sensitive to the fact that too much squick damages the efficiency of her employees.

Other Flowers: The Aloe Vera (Department of Angst), the Asphodel (Department of Character Protective Services), the Male Ginkgo (Division of Mpreg), and the Gladiolus (Division of Bad Het) all occasionally turn up in these chronicles as well. The Sunflower Official (Department of Mary Sues) sometimes shows up too.

Luxury is a character from the Original Series of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum - the original Bad Slasher, if you will. She is a nymphomaniac and comes across as a complete ditz, but in missions is extremely good at what she does. She occasionally works with Trojie and Pads.

Doctor Fitzgerald, more commonly known as Doc Fitz, works in Medical. He patches up any canons Trojie and Pads bring him, occasionally with the help of Igor, and has also given them lessons in dubious lubricant fix-up fieldwork.

Glod is a small dwarf from the Discworld who is sworn on as a deity by both Trojie and Pads. He once got them out of a very sticky situation in a Narniaverse fic.

The Ironic Overpower is the other deity featuring prominently in Trojie and Pads' day-to-day life. Like the Lady, it is never deliberately invoked.


The Charges

In case anyone is wondering how we decide on the fics we spork, there are actually criteria. There are two kinds of fic that we spork, usually. The first kind is fic that is so bad as to make us angry. The second kind is fic that is so bad as to make us laugh. We don't usually take on a fic, however anger-making, unless we also see potential to squeeze comedy out of it.

We make a very specific point of not sporking fic simply because it contains Kink A or Situation B. Bad writing and lack of consideration for canon and characters are what we spork - we try very hard not to go around making judgements on other people's taste in porn. If your story is well-written and doesn't completely break canon into tiny pieces, you are safe from us. Who knows, we may very well enjoy your fic ourselves.

The usual set of things that make a fic bad enough for us to consider sporking are below. Please be aware that not all of these charges are Absolutely Bad - they're just usually bad, especially in the continua we generally patrol.

BIOLOGICAL ABERRATIONS

- Not There (PPC terminology for people putting objects in places they shouldn't be. Don't make us draw you a picture)
- Dubious Lube (PPC terminology for, well, dubious lube. If it's being used as a lubricant when it blatantly wouldn't work as one, then it's dubious lube)
- Mpreg (male pregnancy, for anyone who's not come across this term before)
- Not understanding anatomy
- Doing away with aspects of sex and/or gay sex because the author doesn't like them
- Doing away with aspects of sex and/or gay sex because the author doesn't know about them
- Causing bodily fluids to taste like other substances, e.g. 'champagne and strawberries'.
- Writing pairings and/or sexual situations/positions that are physically impossible.
- Giving virgins amazing sexual knowledge and prowess

LINGUISTIC ABERRATIONS

- Poor spelling
- Poor grammar
- Poor punctuation
- Blatantly not having a beta reader or else having an incompetent one
- In-text author's notes
- Inappropriate nicknames
- The Pronoun Problem (PPC terminology for what happens when you lose track of who is the subject and who is the object of any given sentence because both of your protagonists are the same sex)
- Inappropriate synonyms for sexual organs
- Using Suvian narrative devices, for example, the Single Tear

LOGICAL ABERRATIONS

- Using 'aphrodisiac fruit', 'sex-pollen', or other DEM aphrodisiacs to get two characters together
- Ignoring the existence of the significant others of canon characters
- 'High School' AUs (not always a charge (it's not actually always a stupid idea to imagine an AU where all the characters are in high school), but would be in most of the fandoms we work in)
- Assuming, in continua that have animal or anthro characters, that they will have sex like humans do
- Twisting the countryside to provide convenient places for smexing in or perilous locations for rescuing the beloved from, even when the countryside blatantly doesn't work like that.
- Inappropriate crossovers.

CRIMES AGAINST CANON

- Woobifying canonically masculine characters (i.e., making them insufferably weak and helpless. We are aware that this is not the same as the definition of 'woobie' espoused by TVTropes. We don't particularly care.)
- Designating seme and uke in a non-Japanese continuum
- Creating a Designated Abusive Bastard (making a character abuse another for the sake of hurt/comfort etc)
- Creating a Token Homophobic Jerk (making a character, against all canon or reasonable speculation, unreasonably homophobic)
- Creating an Unrealistically Tolerant Pillock (making a character, against all canon or reasonable speculation, really really happy about their friends' slashy relationships in the fic)
- Writing an incest pairing in a canon that does not have canonical incestuous pairings
- Writing unjustified paedophilia because it's 'hawt'
- Writing unjustified rape because it's 'hawt'
- Writing unjustified relationships between canonical enemies because it's 'hawt'
- Thinking things are 'hawt' and that this is a justification for writing them all by itself.
- The word 'hawt'.

WTF MOMENTS

These can vary, but the concept is pretty self-explanatory. Things that make you go 'wtf?' are things we don't want to see in fic.

PISSING OFF THE AGENTS

Sounds like a minor charge, and isn't allowed to be the sole charge, but is usually the very first charge in any mission.

SPECIALIST CHARGES

For most agent pairs, these wouldn't even register, but given Trojie and Pads' eccentricities, they are often used as charges:

- Utterly impossible geological features
- Inaccurate portrayal of dinosaurs
- Inaccurate portrayal of other animals, flora and so on.
- Remus Lupin having relations with anyone who is not Nymphadora Tonks or Sirius Black
- American English in British continua
- Severus Snape naked

Date: 2009-08-11 05:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sedri.livejournal.com
*chuckles* I love you guys, you know that? Really, I should do something like this for my LJ, too...

*pats Edmond on her way out*

Date: 2009-08-11 05:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
We love you too :)

I look forward to seeing your version :)

Date: 2009-08-11 06:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sedri.livejournal.com
Mine would be a lot shorter.

Date: 2009-08-11 07:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
But no less informative!

Date: 2009-08-12 06:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cassie5squared.livejournal.com
Love for the Trojie and Pads.

I should steal this. or make my own. But mine, like Sedri's, would be short. And cover far too many Agents.

Date: 2009-08-12 06:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Short isn't *bad* - in fact, ours is probably too long. Do it anyway - info is always good

Date: 2009-08-12 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] warrior-joe.livejournal.com
I'm totally borrowing this Potential Charges List. I have a feeling it shall be QUITE useful in future work.

Date: 2009-08-12 08:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Heh. We felt that there was need for a more general Bad Slash-centric chargelist, given we don't do Sues and we don't stick to one continuum. Hence this :)

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