Mission: An Elf's Worst Nightmare

[rc45]

Title: An Elf's Worst Nightmare
Author: AJ Matthews
Rating: T
Obligatory linkage: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/587988/3/An_Elfs_Worst_Nightmare
Sporked by: agenttrojie and tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: R for Lux's inappropriatenesses
Sporkers' notes: Pads is doing Mpreg missions only in order to protect her unborn sprog, and so she continues the training of young Oscar while Trojie and Lux take on this travesty. This runs concurrently with 'Extending the Family'



Late December HST

'I don't like this,' confided Trojie to Lux as they hopped through the portal into Middle-Earth. 'What if she gives birth?'

'She won't,' said Lux. 'She's in an Mpreg. She'll be fine.' The blonde agent was busily checking her supplies and weaponry. 'Come on, we have a wildly OOC Fellowship to chase.'

Trojie jogged after Lux, noting how much more focussed the other agent was when she was on a mission. Admittedly, her pace of choice appeared to be a sort of tango adapted for one person and broken ground, and her uniform was nothing more than a black bikini with a three-eyed duck pattern, but still. For Lux, very professional.

Legolas and Aragorn were standing next to a waterfall, being soppy.

Legolas licked his lips before speaking. ‘Aragorn… I-I’m in love with you,’ the elf confessed, waiting for Aragorn’s reaction.

Gladness and joy sang through Aragorn’s heart at those words, before he forced himself to remember Arwen. ‘Legolas, I’m glad you told me but…’ Legolas’s shoulders sagged in defeat as Aragorn continued speaking. ‘I’m engaged to Arwen.’

'This does not bode well,' Trojie announced. 'Canonical engagement to Arwen may be a good thing, but Legolas getting involved never ends well.'

'There's someone hiding in the bushes, look,' Lux pointed out. And indeed, the rest of the Fellowship were peering at Legolas from behind a conveniently placed thicket.

'Nosy little buggers,' Trojie commented. 'Whatever happened to privacy?'

'Privacy, privacy...' Lux mused. 'That's one of those things everyone's always saying is so important, isn't it?'

Before Trojie had opportunity to explain to her temporary partner that, yes, most people of the Prime Multiverse did in fact appreciate not having an audience when being sappily overemotional or engaged in explicit sex acts, they were jerked roughly into the next scene.

'Why are the Hobbits sharing food?' asked Lux. 'That's really most unhobbitlike.'

'I... have no idea.'

'They are adorable, though. They really are. Aw, bless, Frodo's offering to keep Legolas warm at night!'

'Lux...'

'I know, I know, it's badslash, it's OOC, blah, blah, are you writing it down?'

'Yes.'

'Then I can pass all the comments I like.'

'So can I then, and that is revolting,' Trojie said, looking disdainfully at Gimli, who was gazing at Legolas in worship.

'Honestly, you're such a prude,' Lux complained, skipping over to the campfire and pinching a rasher of bacon from under Merry's nose.

'What are you doing? You can't eat that, it could be drugged!'

Lux looked round at the canons, all of whom appeared to have ravishing and debauchery aforethought. 'I think I'll be alright. You should try some,' she added, popping the meat into her mouth. 'Might do you some good.'

'And what do you mean by that?'

'Well, it can't be healthy to be so frigid and, y'know, frustrated all the time,' said Lux, chewing industriously.

Trojie gaped, scowled, and turned back to the fic. 'I don't know what you're talking about, I'm sure. Look at this! Merry's burnt Legolas. That's not on.'

'Kinky, though bacon fat wouldn't be my first choice...'

'Honestly, Lux, can we concentrate on the fact that Legolas now has second degree burns and that it's a bad thing?'

'I know it's a bad thing. He and Merry didn't even agree on a safeword beforehand!'

Trojie sighed mightily.

Suddenly, Legolas's shirt disappeared just so that Boromir could fondle his bare back.

“What’s going on, Gandalf?” Aragorn asked. “Why are they all acting so strangely?”

'Very good question,' Trojie murmered, scribbling notes. 'If this was Pegasus I'd say alien sex pollen, but it's Middle-Earth.'

'Alien sex pollen? Is that what it sounds like? You could definitely do with some of that.'

'It's exactly what it sounds like, and I think I'll be perfectly alright without any, thank you,' Trojie said haughtily, pulling her jacket tighter around herself defensively.

'Not for you, silly!'

'Then who? Oh... No, Lux. We're not date-raping any Flowers!'

'Not date-rape! We could just get them to loosen up a bit, let their fronds down, have a bit more fun...'

'Remind me never to take you to Pegasus,' Trojie said, shuddering.

Gandalf turned to him, a sly look in his eyes. “Well, Legolas is beautiful and a prince, Aragorn. When it was discovered that you rejected him last night, everyone else decided to leap at their chance to catch him. You see, the knowledge that the elf liked you was what held them back.”

'This,' said Trojie, 'is about as likely as, as...'

'As the sun rising in the West?' asked Lux.

'Close, but no cigar.'

'As likely as Legolas crying?'

'Well, yes.'

'Well, he apparently cried his eyes out for hours after Aragorn rejected him,' said Lux, pointing out Gandalf and his explanation.

'Oh Glod.'

“I’m the group wizard, so I get first dibs!” Gandalf shouted.

'I repeat, oh Glod.' Trojie crossed herself, and closed her eyes. When she opened them again a moment later, Legolas was clutching an inexplicably broken bow for dear life, while the hobbits clung to his legs.

'If they can't share why don't they just have an orgy?' Lux asked, perplexed.

'Because Tolkien was a devout Catholic. No orgies in Middle-Earth,' Trojie said sternly. 'Which means get away from those hobbits. Don't think I can't see what you're thinking.'

'But they're so cute when they're all horny and clingy! Don't you just want to take one home?'

'Not especially. I've enough pets for the time being.'

Aragorn fortuitously chose that moment to begin chivvying the Fellowship onwards, although why it was his part to do so when Gandalf was still about was anybody's guess. Legolas propelled himself up into the branches above their heads, and disappeared among the foliage. The Fellowship followed, and Trojie hitched her Bag up on her shoulder.

'Tally-ho,' she said, and the agents meandered after the mutilated canons into chapter two.

Aragorn was all alone, because Legolas had disappeared and the rest of the Fellowship had wandered off to find him. Or so it appeared.

“What are you doing in my bed?” Aragorn finally asked, as he looked into Legolas’s green eyes.

Legolas, it transpired, was hiding in Aragorn's bed because the rest of their companions were all in his bed.

'And Aragorn didn't notice this?' asked Trojie. 'Lux?'

Lux was preparing to dive into Legolas's bedroll.

'Lux! Get back here!'

The blonde pouted. 'You are so no fun anymore.'

Trojie dragged Lux back to Aragorn and Legolas, where hurt/comfort was occuring.

The burns on his arms were red and swollen, for the others had unintentionally been grabbing them each time they’d grabbed him by the arms.

'I absolutely refuse to believe that any member of the Fellowship would do this to any other member of the Fellowship,' said Trojie.

Lux nodded. 'There's kinky and then there's just downright inconsiderate,' she said.

The elf yawned, for he had been chased all day and was weary from it. “And I still need to make a new bow.”

'Out of what?' Trojie demanded. 'Bows take a lot of skill to make. You can't just tie a bit of string to a bendy sapling and hope for the best. They haven't got time to be farting about making bows. And why on earth did his old one break anyway?'

Lux shrugged, paying more attention to Legolas and Aragorn than to her partner. Aragorn was sprinkling herbs on the Elf's arm. 'First bacon, now herbs,' she noted. 'Are they going to eat him?'

'Only metaphorically, I suspect,' Trojie growled.

Without warning, the rest of the Fellowship appeared to notice that the sublime Firstborn body they had been groping was in fact composed of their own miscellaneous bodies, and they left Legolas's bedroll as one, and leapt for the Elf. Who immediately legged it.

'Can't say I blame him,' Trojie commented.

Instead of doing something useful, Aragorn angsted about how it was All His Fault.

'Well, we're not going to get anything done by sitting here with King Mopey-pants,' Trojie said with a sigh. 'Let's go after Legolas.'

'Ooh, yes! Let's hunt some- mmff!'

Trojie, hand clamped over Lux's mouth, glared. 'Don't. Even. Think about it.'

'Mmph!'

'Fine.'

They trudged off after the stampede of Free Peoples, and encountered them just in time to hear Sam, of all people, declare:

“Hobbits are best at climbing, for we can reach the top branches.”

And then Legolas fell out of the tree.

'Oh, for crying in a bucket,' said Trojie, sighing.

'It could be worse,' said Lux. 'We could have had to climb up there to catch him.'

An argument over whose droit de seigneur warranted first exercise ensued. Legolas took the opportunity to disappear once more. The agents let him go, and wandered back to Aragorn, reasoning that, as it was only the second chapter, he probably wasn't about to be caught and ravished just yet.

'But he could be,' Lux protested, as Trojie shepherded her back to Aragorn's campfire. 'I bet I can run much faster than the hobbits can.'

'Yes, but you're not allowed to molest canons, remember?'

'Oh, he's obviously gagging for it.'

'And you're such an expert in telling when someone is gagging for it?'

'Yes!'

'Explain the lack of willing partners for the past however-long-time-in-HQ, then!'

'Well, I'm better at it than you,' said Lux, giggling.

'We are so very much not having this discussion,' said Trojie, conveniently forgetting she'd started it. 'And oh look, there's Legolas.'

Legolas ran into the camp and fell over, for no other reason than it allowed Aragorn to pick him up.

'Aragorn's not really doing a good job of not-leading-Legolas-on,' said Lux judiciously. 'I mean, where I come from, being cuddled and put in someone else's bed is a pretty blatant invitation.'

'Lux, to you, a handshake is a pretty blatant invitation.'

'Not the way you shake hands,' Lux pouted. But before Trojie could ask what that was supposed to mean, a temporal/spatial distortion landed them in Isengard. Or rather, in "Isenguard". Presumably it was a typographical error rather than a hitherto-unknown bastion of evil, because Saruman was present, and bitching like a petulant three year old.

He glared at the orcs. “Bring me the pretty elf!”

'And the Ring,' Trojie prompted. 'You know? The Ultimate Shiny? The thing that's corrupted you and made you turn your back on the Light and the Free Peoples?'

“And don’t come back without him!”

Trojie heaved an enormous sigh.

'If you're going to get in this much of a tizzy about the canon-rape,' Lux pointed out, 'there's always Gandalf still being alive.'

'That's true. And they don't seem to have gone through Moria. Thank Glod.'

Lux nodded. 'The Balrog mansexing anyone might be overdoing it a little.'

'A little?!'

Chapter three chose that moment to engulf them, and the agents once more found themselves beside Aragorn's campfire. Legolas was sleeping peacefully. In Aragorn's bed.

'Can we charge for him having an actual bed out in the wilderness, please?'

'Of course we can. Although kudos to him for thinking ahead,' said Lux, smirking.

Meanwhile, Aragorn was threatening physical violence to anyone who touched Legolas. Apart, it seemed, from Frodo.

"That's not fair! Frodo gets everything just `cause his stupid uncle gave him the One Ring!"

'I think you'll find that Bilbo was Frodo's cousin, not his uncle...' said Trojie. 'Although my memory is rusty and it was sometimes hard to tell with Hobbits.'

While the rest of the Fellowship got in a fight over who Legolas belonged to, none of them noticed that the Orcs had made their way into the camp.

'Oh. My. Glod.' said Trojie faintly.

"Uh... Which one is the elf?" the lead orc asked.

"Look for pointed ears," one advised.

'That's Vulcans! Elves have leaf-shaped ears!' Trojie wailed. Lux slid an arm round her shoulders and gave her a sympathetic squeeze.

'Pointy, leaf-shaped, who cares? It's all the same when you're nibbling one in the throes of passion. They really like that, you know.'

'That's Ferengi!'

'Elves too,' said Lux. Suddenly Trojie squeaked and wriggled out of the blonde's grasp.

'And not me!' she said, clamping her hands over her ears. 'No nibbling!'

Lux pouted. Aragorn suddenly noticed Orcs attempting to take Legolas away.

'Why hasn't he noticed this before? It makes no sense!' moaned Trojie, hands still over her ears.

'Because the author is AJ Matthews and he thinks it's funny?' said Lux, as if this should have been obvious.

'It's who?' Trojie demanded, dropping her hands to her sides and clenching them into fists at the mention of her sometime archnemesis.

'AJ Matthews, whoever that is.'

'I should have known. No one else abuses Tolkien's work so horribly. Can we burn it?'

'We could burn Gandalf. He's supposed to be dead and getting resurrected, so he won't really notice. Although, you know, that's kind of a strange kink. Does Pads know about it?'

'What have my kinks got to do with her? And who says I've got kinks anyway?' Trojie sniffed.

'She thinks you do, you know. She's looking forward to finding out all about them.'

'That's as may be, but I'm not entirely sure why you've been discussing my hypothetical kinks.'

'Someone's got to,' Lux said, smiling beatifically.

The Orcs, meanwhile, had trussed Legolas up, gagged him, and begun running away. The Fellowship were giving chase, and so, rather than pursue this unproductive and not a little disturbing line of conversation, Trojie elected to follow them. It didn't take long to catch up, because:

a tree root caught his feet and yanked him out of the Orc's arms. Legolas used his Elven agility and grace to stand, and began hopping back towards the camp, as his feet were bound together too tightly for him to run.

Trojie did an abrupt about-turn as the Elf hopped past, all canon dignity gone, and chased him back to the camp, where Lux sat on the edge of Aragorn's bed, amidst everyone else's dishevelled bedrolls, looking smug.

'You can't escape me forever, you know,' the blonde said.

'Just bloody well charge for making Legolas hop,' wheezed Trojie.

Aragorn tried to get Legolas to stop, but Orcs grabbed him again and ran off. Again. Lux started humming the Benny Hill theme as Trojie once more set off in hot pursuit. She was getting severely out of breath, and wheezing like a dog with a sixty a day habit, when Aragorn decided to pull an uncanonical bow out of hammerspace and shoot the Orc that was currently making off with Legolas. Unfortunately, this gave the hobbits chance to swoop in. They grabbed the Elf and, holding him aloft, made for the boats.

'The what?' Trojie gasped, clutching the stitch in her side. 'They've been through Lorien then? What in Eru's name is Gandalf doing here? And if Legolas is so bloody irresistible, why didn't Galadriel kidnap him?'

Gimli, Boromir and Gandalf leapt into the water after the boat full of Hobbits and Legolas, leaving Aragorn to fight off the Orcs. The Fellowship, by this point, had managed to almost capsize the little boat, and Legolas was overboard and sinking fast. Naturally Aragorn dove in, armour, sword and all, to rescue him. Trojie stood on the dock panting (and when had a dock featured in the quest anywhere except Lothlorien, anyway?).

'Bugger that for a game of soldiers,' she said as Lux padded over to join her. 'I never signed up for the triathlon.'

'Um,' said Lux, pointing to where Aragorn had hauled Legolas out of the water, 'would they have known about CPR?'

Aragorn then ripped the gag off the elf's mouth. His lips were blue, and Aragorn immediately began CPR. After a minute, Legolas choked up water and breathed hoarsely. "Where did the mermaids go?" he asked.

'Okay, there's crack, and then there's pure unadulterated Slab,' said Troije. 'Whiskey tango foxtrot? Honestly.'

Legolas complained about the state of his hair, the hobbits offered to throw him some sort of slumber party complete with makeup and pigtails, and Aragorn used a bloody great sword to cut the bindings round Legolas's ankles.

'DoDAEG will be in raptures,' Lux said, looking on the bright side.

'You could power the Death Star with the amount of spinning Tolkien must be doing,' Trojie agreed. 'Watch out, temporal/spatial distortion again.'

Lux braced herself, and clutched hold of Trojie, 'just in case'.

'In case of what?' Trojie asked as 'Isenguard' swirled into being around them. 'And an arm would have been perfectly adequate; I hardly think my bottom's going to end up in a different location to the rest of me.'

'You should never become complacent about that,' said Lux virtuously.

Somehow the Orcs had already got back to 'Isenguard', which was obviously just round the corner; probably just past the off-licence and the shops, if the warping of canon was anything like as serious as it appeared to be. And Saruman was speaking in a manner more often used by Gollum, a fact the Orcs picked up on, although when they had ever run into Gollum, neither agent was entirely sure.

Trojie noticed the next distortion coming up before Lux did, and grabbed hold of the seat of her own pants. 'No, honestly, I can hold onto it myself this time,' she said as the world whirled around them.

Lux pouted. 'Didn't your mother teach you to share?'

'I think there's obviously something in the air here,' said Trojie. 'And I don't like it. Next time I come on a mission with you, missy, you're going to be in a full hazmat suit.'

They were back in 'the camp', again, and Legolas was hiding from his supposed friends by the amazingly clever gambit of hiding behind Aragorn.

`I would be grateful if you would not move for a few moments,' Legolas whispered in Elvish.

'See!' Lux crowed. 'Obviously gagging for it! He's just after an excuse to get up close and personal with Aragorn's bum!'

'Yes, Aragorn's. Not yours. So keep your hands where I can see them.'

Lux held both hands high in a placatory manner, though Trojie was almost sure the Ranger would be able to feel her lecherous gaze. That said, he appeared totally oblivious to Boromir sneaking up behind him and grabbing Legolas, so perhaps not.

Legolas flailed a bit. Aragorn watched, mildly annoyed. But still not doing anything, which was what was chiefly mystifying both Trojie and Lux, albeit for different reasons.

And then a horse galloped up. An Elvish horse.

'How the hell is the horse Elvish?' asked Trojie, bewildered.

'Well, they do have pointed ears,' said Lux. 'Which as we both know is all it takes to be an elf in some ficcers' worlds.'

'Yes, but they also have -' Trojie flailed - 'Tails! And hooves!'

'And huge penises!' said Lux, attempting to join in.

'What?'

'Well, compared to human ones, at least.'

'Elves don't - wait, this is badslash.' Trojie sighed. 'No, you're not allowed to check,' she said, whiplash fast, as Lux made as if to reach towards Legolas.

'It's for science!'

'Bullshit. Hands in pockets, now!'.

'Have you even heard of fun?'

'I've read about it in books,' said Trojie with a resolute expression. There was a thump. 'What was that?'

'Legolas just ran into a tree, poor baby,' Lux said, clucking sympathetically.

'Oh dear,' Trojie moaned. 'I can see where this is going...'

Merry exclaimed, "We can play doctor with Legolas!"

'I'm game,' Lux said brightly as the hobbits made another leap in Legolas's direction.

'No, you idiot, you're going to sit right here and help me bitch,' said Trojie, failing to recognise the fact that she really didn't need any assistance in that regard.

Legolas ran into a second tree, and the stranger with the Elvish horse offered to take him back to Rivendell, not for medical treatment for what was almost certainly concussion, but so that they could "...get to know each other better..."

At this point, Aragorn picked Legolas up. And Legolas, after spouting some anachronistic phrases along the lines of "I'm just peachy, thanks", fainted.

Trojie was about to say something, when a portal opened unexpectedly, and young Oscar fell through it, incoherently babbling something.

'What? Speak up, you loon.'

'Pads, Sirius, giving birth, both of them, help!'

'She's what?!' Trojie yelped.

'The author made Sirius go into labour prematurely!'

'Oh, no...'

'And he's in bed with a werewolf!'

'You left Pads giving birth with a werewolf?!'

'No, the other Sirius! But she's there too! And there's all ooze and yuk!' shouted Oscar, really quite upset now. 'Come ON!'

'We have to deal with this one first,' said Trojie. 'Lux, duct tape! I don't care that we're not halfway, if anyone tries to tell me we haven't reached a major canon breach yet I'll strangle them.'

Lux gleefully restrained the canons, and Trojie produced her bell. This exorcism was obviously going to take place in record time.

'Spirit of AJ Matthews, rogue slashthor and serial rapist of the Tolkien Continuum, I bid thee AVAUNT! Be cast from this place, you profane and disgusting piece of maggot-riddled Warg dung. I banish your complete and total disregard for canon, for decency, for the feelings of the characters you've infected. I banish non-con. I banish harrasment. I banish making Hobbits good at climbing trees! In the name of TOLKIEN, avaunt! AVAUNT!'

The wraith slowly gave up its hold. It appeared to be about to speak, but Trojie waved her bell through its foggy mass and dissipated it before it had a chance. 'You don't get last words,' she muttered, before turning to Lux and accepting the neuralyser. It was fortunate that both Oscar and Lux had the sense to shut their eyes, because Trojie wasn't about to waste time on finding sunglasses. She screwed her own eyes shut tight.

FLASH

'Right, what have we got?' she said, eyeing the assembled duct-taped canons. 'Aragorn, you're leading the Fellowship. You're not secretly lusting after Legolas, and you're... you... you follow canon, alright?' She gave him a thwack round the head with Rings in lieu of actually explaining his circumstances. 'Hobbits, you neither share food nor lust after Elves. Boromir, ditto, and you're not a rapist.'

'What about this guy?' Lux said, indicating the hooded figure with the Elvish horse. Trojie peered at it.

'Elrond, you should be fretting in Rivendell.' There was a pop as both Elrond and his horse vanished. 'And Gandalf, you're... I don't know where you are right now. You're probably dead, or fighting the Balrog. Or being carted about by an Eagle. Either way, you're not here, okay?' On cue, Gandalf also disappeared.

'Right, that's everyone sorted, now, open me a bloody portal,' said Trojie to Oscar, rolling up her sleeves. 'This instant. Or in the holy name of Kurt Cobain, I swear I will tear you a new one. Lux, for Glod's sake, go back to your own RC.'

'No, I'm coming. You'll need my help!' said Lux.

'For what, precisely?' asked Trojie, exasperated, as Oscar fiddled with the Remote Activator.

'Well, it's obvious you've never had any practical experience with women before.'

'Is that so? So you'll be able to point out the cervix for me, will you?'

'You know, cervixes aren't really my forté. I wasn't born in a badslash.'

'Hurry up!' Oscar cried, finally succeeding in opening a portal. He dived through, immediately followed by Trojie. Lux cast an eye over the canons, then followed the agents through into the Potterverse.

The portal closed.

All was quiet in Middle-Earth, no sound but the rippling of waves on the shores of Nen Hithoel and the tweeting of birds. Presently, another noise, slightly less pastoral and rather more plasticky, was heard, as the duct-taped Fellowship began to struggle ineffectually at their bonds.

Comments

[sedri.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this. Didn't know what mission to read first and ended up literally reading them both at once, but what the hell? *grins* Actually, I'm not finished with the other yet, so most of my comments will go there.


Lux nodded. 'There's kinky and then there's just downright inconsiderate,' she said.

I like Lux... in a very platonic, very VERY distant sort of way.


You know, you guys' missions always send me to the dictionary at least once. Do you do that on purpose?
Actually, this time it was the encyclopedia - "droit de seigneur" - but same applies.

But I must nitpick the "alright" - please, please use "all right", would you? *pouty lip*

[dracorn-adagio.livejournal.com]

Hee, Lux. And she didn't even grope any of the canonical characters this time!

So is someone going to have to go back to Middle-earth to retrieve the duct tape?

[lycaenion.livejournal.com]

Wonderful.

Read the one with Pads first, which was equally amusing; loved how you worked all the time-warps into your plot.

My brain is still not entirely sure what in the hells the actual fanfiction was supposed to be. Must be some meltdown-preventing mechanism. So I focused a lot more on the Agents, which was pretty rewarding.

The ear-nibbling bit was probably my favorite. (Not like I'm a gutter-minded Trekkie or anything...)

Love the ending, too– being left duct-taped is still preferable to what that damned author was doing. Have never heard of him before, but am not overly saddened by this.

[lady-rilwen.livejournal.com]

Heee...this is great. I like Lux, though it seems the Laws of Comedy have ensured she and Cavan not encounter each other yet. Bit of a pity, really. That'd distract both of them for a while.

[lily-winterwood.livejournal.com]

Started reading this one yesterday, but parental units crowbarred me away from the computer.

Very good sporking! Wow, AJ Matthews has no sense of Canon, huh? "Hobbits are best at climbing trees", wtf? What is he on?

Lily, excitedly awaiting the next mission and questioning her sanity.