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Title: Black and White UNCUT VERSION!!!
Author: True_enough1549
Obligatory Linkage: http://community.livejournal.com/narnia_slash/396114.html
Rating: R
Sporked By: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend as Agents Veridian Green and Stevius of the Department of Character Protective Services.
Summary/Notes: "Skandar and Will see each other on set of PC, and skandar is no longer is black and white. He's going to take full advantage this time around. Please review! Reviews=love!! Well i promised the uncut version so FINALLY here it is!!" is what the author had to say. 'Ridian and Stevius would prefer it to be summed up as 'inexplicable, badly-written underage smut', as they feel this has a closer relationship with the actual contents of the fic and is more easily comprehensible by people who aren't thirteen year old fanbrats.
The trouble with finishing missions at two in the morning is that our SPaG beta is fast asleep. [livejournal.com profile] cassie5squared, we're betting you'll spot at least five errors that we missed.



March 2009 HST


'I've been thinkin',' said 'Ridian. 'What would you say to tryin' t' get together a Morris side? I mean, surely it's nearly spring somewhere in the Multiverse, and-'

BEEEEP!

'How many times, Veridian, have I pointed out that mentioning leisure activities in front of the console is a bad idea?'

'Not enough, obviously,' said 'Ridian. 'What is it this time?'

'Thankfully not Mr McAvoy,' said Stevius, but he sighed as he said it. 'You are really not going to like this.'

'It's Skandar, isn't it?' 'Ridian's face started to turn a characteristic shade of mauve.

'Unfortunately, he appears to be the central character in almost every Real Person 'ship in this fandom,' said Stevius. 'In this instance, paired with the equally unfortunate young Mr Moseley.'

'... how young?'

'Young enough to be a charge, I suspect,' said Stevius. 'This is set at the onset of filming of Prince Caspian.'

'Just tell me Ben Barnes isn't involved.'

'Mr Barnes appears, mercifully, to be occupied off-screen for the entirety of this fic,' confirmed the Faun. 'But we have a few charges to pick up in the case of young Miss Henley, who is being used as an exposition device once more. It appears that no Narnia badficcer is entirely capable of separating the poor young lady from the character she plays.'

'That's true enough,' said 'Ridian, glumly picking up his exorcism kit. 'Can you sort out disguises for us?'

'No sooner said than done.' Stevius hit a final button, and the portal shimmered into being. 'Now, what is it they say in the Star Wars fandom? Ah, yes. May the Force be with us.'

The two agents stepped through the portal into an Author's note of the worst variety - a long and twisted explanation of why the fic hadn't been posted sooner.

'Do we particularly care that she's moving house, or that her school finals are 'coming up'?' asked Stevius, looking quizzically at 'Ridian.

'Not really. Although she doesn't deserve to be at school if her attitude to it is '( Fuck it if i fail)'.'

'Seconded. And ... I refuse to believe that she was human enough to drive her shot neighbour to the hospital. I simply refuse to.'

'Whether or not it's true isn't the point here,' said 'Ridian. 'The point is, why the hell do we care?'

Mercifully, a scene break interrupted the ranting. However, the scene that it dumped our intrepid heroes into was hardly something they wanted to see - William Moseley entertaining himself with a visit from Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters in front of a computer screen displaying the narnia_slash LJ community, which was incidentally the community on which the Spies had originally found this travesty of a fic.

'Oh, for the love of -'

'Both a serious breach of the Fourth Wall and also unnecessarily tasteless?' asked Stevius, busily noting both things on his charge-list.

'That'll do.'

William first realized he might be in love with his best mate, was when doing an internet search he came across something called Narnia Slash. That night he had wanked off to almost all the Will/ Skandar stories. He didn’t feel ashamed afterwards if anything he wished even more he was the Will in those stories. That’s the first time Will really realized that he just didn’t care about Skandar, he wanted him.

'Well, that is unusual,' commented Stevius. 'Normally they discover those two facts the other way around.'

'I think in this case it's more 'care about Skandar' as a friend, rather than discoverin' he loves him before discoverin' he wants him,' said 'Ridian judiciously.

'Even then,' said Stevius. 'Normally it's 'see, want, like, love', rather than in any other order.'

'You do have a point there,' conceded 'Ridian.

Everytime Will was with Skandar he would catch himself sizing the boy up and down imaging what Skandar would sound like with Will fucking him. He could imagine the face he would give as he came, the sounds that he would mutter. Will always ended those fantasies with Skandar moaning his name waiting for the next round. Oh course after one of those fantasies’s he’s immediately excuse himself and wank off in the bathroom, then come back and pretend nothing was out of the ordinary.

'Because Will runnin' off to the facilities every five minutes didn't affect anyone's work schedule at all, and no-one cared enough to find out why he suddenly had diarrhoea?'

'Apparently not. But again, Veridian, I feel it incumbent upon me to point out that this is badslash. Every character who isn't romantically involved is either completely oblivious or completely accepting, if you'll recall?'

'Curse your logic.'

'I wouldn't curse the only thing likely to get you out of here without killing an actor from World One, if I were you,' said Stevius, raising an eyebrow. 'Thank Aslan one of us has some semblance of logic and self-control.'

'I have self-control!'

'Not where anything small and adorable is concerned,' said Stevius. 'Or anything vulnerable. Or children. Or people who are hurt. Sometimes I think this is the most unsuitable job you could ever have.'

'Look, just because some of us have emotions-'

'I have emotions, I just choose not to be ruled by them. And this discussion is distracting us from the job in hand. So if we could possibly get back to that?'

'You started it,' muttered 'Ridian, as another scene break overtook them.

The next scene began with ... a fashion plate.

It was indeed Skandar, but not the one they knew so many years ago. Yes, he still wore the converse, and the unruly mop of hair, even the freckles that were so becoming on him. Skandar though had grown; he no longer looked so tiny and forlorn. He now looked strong and confident. He slowly walked towards the group waving and smiling, he reached up to take the headphone’s out of his ears and stuff the I Pod into his pants pocket. The group’s eyes, mainly Will’s raked up and down the figure that was approaching them. He wore a black and white stripped hoodie, stripped converse, and the, oh so comical hater blocker sunglasses.

'... I've never seen a fashion-plate character before,' said 'Ridian.

'True, they do tend to turn up more frequently in Mary Sue fics than slash,' allowed Stevius. 'I'm also charging for misplaced apostrophes, bad spelling, and having Mr. Moseley ogle him in public with no-one noticing.'

'The stripped hoodie and converse sound interesting. What's the converse of a hoodie? And how d'you strip one?'

'I suspect that the 'converse' is actually a reference to the World One brand of shoe 'Converse', but I'm not sure the canon has realised this,' said Stevius, noting that the universe, having decided that the converse of a wearing a hoodie was not wearing a hoodie, alternated between Skandar in a hoodie and Skandar with a bare torso. At least, he prsumed that was what was going on. It could have just been reacting to the stripping.

'And 'hater blocker sunglasses'?'

'I have no idea, and it appears that the world doesn't either.' Skandar was wearing a reasonably ordinary-looking pair of sunglasses.

'Although, it does make it sound like they project some kind of magical forcefield that prevents people who hate you from gettin' close,' said 'Ridian thoughtfully. 'I say we nick 'em when we have the chance.'

'Seconded, the motion is carried,' said Stevius. 'They could come in very useful, if your speculation proves correct.'

They watched the ensuing badly-characterised exposition in silence for a while, until 'Ridian, peering over Stevius's shoulder, took issue with one of the charges.

'How can you tell if they're mischaracterised?' he asked. 'You've never met any of 'em.'

'True,' Stevius said, still writing in an elegant script with many unnecessary flourishes. 'But I very much doubt any self-respecting twelve year old girl in this century would utter the words "Yeah, Yeah you have to come it will be no fun without you. You have to come with us Skandy, PLEASE!!!". And I suspect she's a little too old to busy herself counting her co-star's freckles, too.'

'Is that what she's doin'?' 'Ridian asked, peering with interest at Georgie.

'Apparently so. She appears to be possessed by a particularly infantile wraith.'

'This doesn't sound good,' 'Ridian said gloomily.

'Don't fret,' his partner said as Skandar disappeared, but before he could offer any further reassurances that the girl's clothes would be remaining on throughout, they were pulled through another scene break.
“You really should just tell him.” They had just left dinner and now were walking down some dodgy street in Auckland. Ben, Anna and William were all walking ahead on them laughing, as Skandar and Georgie brought up the rear of the group.

“Tell who what Georgie.” Skandar said helping Georgie zip up her green and red plaid coat.

“Will, tell Will that you love him.” Skandar’s hands stilled, “I know you do.”


'Argh, does anyone in the multiverse know any other method of exposition other'n havin' one person 'just know' somethin' and order the conflicted person to do somethin' about it?' cried 'Ridian mildly incoherently as they followed the canons down the street.

'Insofar as I understand what you're going on about, I think the answer is a definite 'not really',' said Stevius, glaring at Georgie Henley as if he could make her revert to the normal character of a twelve year old English girl simply by the power of his mind.

'Why is it always the youngest 'n most innocent member of the group that knows, too?' 'Ridian continued his rant. 'She's twelve. What the hell does she know about faces like wanting to eat William for dinner?'

'I am charging for it, fear not,' said Stevius.

“I’m not eight anymore you know, I have grown up just like you, Anna and William.” Georgie said grabbing Skandar’s hand and twining their fingers together.

'You're twelve, kid,' 'Ridian moaned. 'You might have grown up, but you're still a bit young to be some sort of universal authority on gettin' your end away.'

“I’m scared, what if he thinks of me just as a brother. Whenever asked about me in an interview all he says is “He’s just like a brother’” Skandar let out a little huff of indigence.

'Charging for making Mr Keynes a stalker, and for clearly not understanding the meaning of the word indigence, or indeed indignance,' Stevius said calmly. 'Or what I'm told is called the Westermarck effect.'

'The what?' 'Ridian asked, glaring at the canons.

'An anti-incest trick,' Stevius told him. 'One doesn't tend to be attracted to the people one grows up with. It appears to be being used in the name of cheap angst.'

'Speakin' of not understandin',' 'Ridian said, listening with half an ear to Georgie encouraging Skandar to declare his undying love for his co-star, 'the author doesn't have much clue about child actors. They're walkin' down a seedy street, four famous teenagers, and no minders in sight.'

'An excellent point,' Stevius said, noting it. 'By rights they ought to have been... what's the word? Mobbed by now.'

'Or mugged.'

'Or molested.'

'Or murdered.'

'Chance would be a fine thing,' Stevius muttered, just before the scene break overtook them. On the other side of it, they found themselves outside a nondescript trailer, upon the door of which Skandar Keynes could be seen to knock.

'What on Disc are Aslan looking pj's?' 'Ridian asked, peering at the boy. 'And who goes into the trailer of their crush carryin' a soddin' teddy-bear?'

'People who think that underage teenagers are somehow more attractive because they're not legal and therefore try to play up the juvenile aspect?'

'Argh, don't say it.'

Stevius regarded 'Ridian with a mix of exasperation and fondness. 'You really aren't suited for this job, Veridian.'

'Ridian glared at him. 'Don't say that either.'

The Faun turned away and watched the actors instead. 'How on earth is giving someone a sugary confection going to help them sleep?' he asked, watching Will plying Skandar with ice-cream.

'I dunno. Argh, no build-up, no explanation ... they just kiss,' 'Ridian complained as the two boys did just that.

'Do try to contain your disgust. We certainly do not want them seeing us.'

'Definitely not,' 'Ridian agreed. 'Poor possessed little buggers'd probably want us to join in, they're that randy.' He pulled a face at the idea. 'What happened to bein' nervous?'

'Perhaps the ice-cream is magical,' Stevius suggested, tapping the charge-list with his pen thoughtfully. He eyed the boys, who were by now engaging in some heavy-duty snogging, sans nightshirts. 'I find it rather unlikely Mr Keynes would enjoy having his nipple twisted so were he not under the influence of something.'

'Drugged ice-cream could be useful,' said 'Ridian, and before Stevius could prevent him, he snuck past the couple and grabbed the tub. 'You never know!' he said defensively. 'And we sort of missed grabbing those hate-blocking sunglasses.'

'True. Be careful with that substance, however. Many female Agents have an altogether overly-strong fondness for ice-cream. If that tub got into the wrong hands, I shudder to imagine the repercussions.'

'I'll keep it somewhere safe, I swear,' said 'Ridian, shoving it into a pocket, where it spoilt the line of his coat.

'See that you do.'

They watched the snogging for some time, before Stevius cleared his throat and asked, 'Are we going to do away with this one before Mr Keynes does something he'll regret?'

'He is only fifteen,' said 'Ridian. 'We can't let Will actually have him.'

'And think how mortified Mr Moseley would be if we were to let him,' added Stevius. 'So we're decided, then?'

'Yep.'

'Oh, good.'

At the moan of 'Come on, please' from Skandar, the Agents moved into a now reasonably well-established pattern - 'Ridian going to grab Skandar and Stevius to grab the other partner; in this case, Will. Doing things the other way, they'd found out, usually ended up with the other partner having blunt instrument trauma to the skull.

'Bell,' said Stevius shortly, holding both of Will's arms twisted behind his back as he struggled. The Faun freed one of his own hands to catch the bell as it was tossed to him.

'Avaunt, spirit of Bad Slash! By the power vested in me by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, I banish bad characterisation! I banish underage-kink! I command bad grammar and punctuation to flee! I conjure and bind the laws of physics and of the government of whichever country this is set in to this continuum!'

Like most bad smut-fluff wraiths, this one didn't have much of a hold on the characters - the author hadn't given enough of a description for it to latch onto - and so it was released and dispersed reasonably easily. Putting Will back into his pyjamas and Skandar back in his own trailer and neuralysing both of them was also accomplished reasonably easily, although Stevius did have to threaten to break 'Ridian's fingers if he so much as attempted to tuck the fifteen-year-old into bed:

'He has a mother. Said mother is not you. He is a World One teenager. They seldom enjoy being treated like five-year-olds. And we still have Miss Henley to find and exorcise, so for the love of Aslan, you will put a lid on your blasted maternal instinct and help me get this portal generator set to 'home in on character', if in fact such a setting exists.'

'Ridian acquiesced with bad grace, but they did eventually manage to wrestle the RA into submission. Georgie Henley was, it turned out, still frozen on the disreputable Auckland street with Anna, sans minders, where the story had left them.

'Book ready, 'Ridian?' asked Stevius as the human Agent fumbled The British Yearbook of International Law out of his bag and thwacked it on the ground to attract the dazed and plot-abandoned girls' attention. Stevius went back into exorcism mode.

'Avaunt, matchmaking! Avaunt, mysterious and accepting knowledge of homosexual crushes! Avaunt, poor setup in order to facilitate exposition! I banish the Unrealistically Tolerant characterisation of these girls! AVAUNT!'

However, it seemed the wraith did not want to budge. Stevius kept chanting as 'Ridian went for the candles.

Candles did not do the trick.

'This one's strong!' hissed Stevius as he sought for more things to banish and abjure and so forth. 'You might need to use the book!'

'I have used the damn book!'

'On them, you idiot!'

'Hit a little girl?!'

'If you want her not to spend her life spouting mindless platitudes and encouraging underage gay sex, then yes!'

'Ridian gulped, but stepped up and tapped Lucy smartly upside the ear with the British Yearbook. She folded up like origami, and the wraith left her. This, however, was the least of 'Ridian's worries, as the evacuation of the wraith brought Anna back to her senses, and before he could do a thing to react she'd hit him a decent one in the eye with her tiny sparkly purse.

'Don't you touch her, you bastard!' the older girl said angrily.

'Uh, Stevius? A little help here!' 'Ridian ducked another blow and stepped backwards. 'Like, throwing me the neuralyser?'

The human blessed the fact that he'd kept his sunglasses on, despite the dark of the night in Auckland, and as soon as the slender silver wand was in his hand he pressed the button. Not a moment too soon, either, because it appeared that Miss Popplewell's next action would have been to ring 111 on her cellphone - the New Zealand emergency services number. He gently pried the phone from her stunned fingers, put it back in the purse, and hauled the now-awake Georgie to her feet.

'You two have managed somehow to evade your minders,' he said, hearing hurried footsteps coming up in the distance. He looked at Stevius, who nodded. 'They're just about to catch you. You'll be very penitent and go back to your accommodation with no trouble whatsoever.'

Fading into the shadows just as the minders turned up to lead the girls away, 'Ridian breathed a sigh of relief and found his Faun partner doing the same.

'That was close,' said the Narnian agent fervently.

'Too close,' agreed 'Ridian. 'Next time, we deal with the extras before we go for the main offenders, right?'

'I agree most wholeheartedly,' said Stevius, fumbling for the portal generator. 'For now, though, I feel that some sustenance, a wash, and some sleep would be the most pressing order of the day.'

'A stiff drink an' another go at that Lancrastian reel, y'mean,' said 'Ridian as they stepped through the portal.

'Only if you're going to wear underwear this time,' Stevius said in a stern voice. 'Carting agents who've been exposed to your genitals off to Medical is not my idea of a good time.'

'No more kilts,' 'Ridian said. 'Promise.'
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