Mission: Another Drink

[rc45]

Title: Another Drink
Author: Zarier99
Obligatory Linkage: http://lotr.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600080203
Sporked by: agenttrojie and tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: R
Sporkers' notes: Not the most imaginative way of getting Frodo and Sam together, this fic nevertheless had some stunning reimagining of the concept of 'vital fluids'. Beta-read by the lovely cassie5squared.



April 2009 HST

As usual, the Console waited until Trojie and Pads had plans before it told them of their next mission.

'- so we'll meet outside the Nursery at -'

BEEEEEEP!

'Oh, for the love of Glod.'

'Check that, would you?' said Trojie, making a face. 'I suppose this means I need to jettison The Very Hungry Caterpillar in favour of something a bit more verbose?'

'Could be a film-canon,' said Pads. She tapped a few buttons on the Console, and her face fell. 'But it's not.'

'So what will I be installing in the Bag?' Trojie called from over by the quantum cupboards.

'Lord of the Rings,' Pads said. 'Specifically Return of the King. And grab my fags, I'm going to need them.'

'Aragorn, I'm guessing?'

'Wrong.'

'Oh?'

'You're not going to like this.'

'Do I ever?'

'No, you're really not going to like this,' said Pads. 'I can't say I'm best pleased either.'

'Alright, who is it?' Trojie asked, tossing a packet of cigarettes over.

'Er, Frodo and Sam?'

'...Frodo and Sam, during RotK?'

'Yep,' said Pads, sparking up and inhaling deeply with her eyes closed.

'When they're in the territory of their most powerful enemy, dodging his troops, and being guided by someone they don't even slightly trust,' Trojie continued, her expression becoming more and more disheartened as the sentence progressed.

'Pretty much. Although Gollum's not in it, thank Glod.'

'Argh.'

'Well said, partner-mine. Well said. Shall we portal?'

'Let's get it over with,' said Trojie, hefting the Bag and stepping through.

They found themselves up a fairly generic mountain. Which one was anybody's guess, though the timing of the fic suggested Orodruin was a likely bet. Mordor stretched out in front of them into the hazy distance, and the agents regarded the view.

'You know, it's actually quite pretty,' Trojie decided at last.

'What, Mordor?'

'Yeah. I've never really been up here before, since you don't tend to get Elves up this way. I mean, just look at this rhyolite, it's stunning. The scoria's a particularly nice shade of red, don't you think? Ooh, do you think we'll still be here when the lava starts coming? I mean, it could be a bit explosive, and the ash blanket's not going to be fun, but given the activity at the moment and the steam and everything there probably won't be a lahar, which is good.'

Pads nodded. 'Or we could get on with it and get back to our children. Shouldn't there be some hobbits about somewhere? Perhaps in that likely-looking cave?'

'If we must,' Trojie said, leading the way and exclaiming about the complete illogicality of a cave in a stratovolcano of this kind, or in fact of any kind, but that said, how pretty it was and what a lovely effect the layers of successive lava flows made as they entered.

Fortunately, and unsurprisingly given how short and plotless the fic was, Frodo and Sam were sitting in the convenient cave.

Frodo's first line indicated just how OOC he was:

" Sam! I'm thirsty. We don't have any more water so where are we going to get another damn drink!?"

This did not bode well. The agents shuffled into a corner of the cave, and Pads whipped out her notebook to scribble down wildly OOC hobbits and making Frodo Baggins swear.

'Don't forget to charge for the cave too,' Trojie reminded her in a low voice.

'And for the abuse of punctuation, yes, I know. You just keep your eyes on the hobbits in case they do anything liable to end in acute peritonitis.'

" Well, Um Mr. Frodo, we could, um....." Sam stuttered, the idea coming to mind was pleasant to him but probably wouldn't be to his master....

" Speak!"

" We, we could.... perform a sexual act on eachother, to thirst our needs...." Sam flinched awaiting the thrashing and yelling of his master.

'Incorrect use of verbs,' said Pads, noting it. 'Thirsting needs. Is that like making one's needs thirsty? By, say, refusing to satisfy said needs?'

'If only. And don't forget to charge for Sam saying sexual act,' Trojie hurriedly added.

'How could I?'

Frodo was silent, the idea had'nt occured to him. " It shall do. However you are going first."

'Frodo is going to be so traumatised when he finds out what he's been ordering his faithful Sam to do... we'd best be speedy with the neuralysation,' Pads pointed out, shaking her head sadly at the scene.

Trojie watched with narrowed eyes as Frodo began taking his clothes off. 'We're probably going to have to give them some water too. This... really isn't going to quench their thirst, if my admittedly limited experience is anything to go by.'

'They do need enough moisture left in them to make it up Mount Doom,' Pads said, nodding. 'And preferably without vile and distracting tastes in their mouths.'

'Quite.'

'Wait a minute,' said Pads, ceasing her scribbles for a moment and staring at the Words in the murky depths of the cave.

Frodo took his well endowed length in his hand and started massaging it, starting at the base then up to the corona.

The Animagus tapped the chargelist thoughtfully, then shook her head. 'No, beer will leave them just as thirsty. Unless that's a different sort of corona.' She gave Trojie a nudge. 'Have a look, there's a dear, and see if his penis is actually a star?'

Trojie peered. 'No, looks ordinary enough to me. Hang on, shall we do a proper check?'

'In what way?' asked Pads doubtfully. 'If this involves rubber gloves, I'm offski.'

'No, not like that. Here.' Trojie handed Pads the end of a piece of abseiling rope, the other end of which she was busily hauling from the Bag and tying around her waist. 'One tug for "coming back", two tugs for "help, pull me out", and three tugs for "HOLY SHIT SOMETHING'S EATING MY FEET GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!"'

And with that, she crawled into the Bag.

Pads watched Sam fellating Frodo with an expression of boredom on her face, whilst ignoring the strange clanking noises coming from the Bag. Eventually there was a tug, and then another tug. The Animagus hauled on the rope.

Trojie emerged from the mouth of her luggage with the cover of an old and rather dusty book between her teeth. 'Bleh,' she said. 'Old paper tastes horrible. Anyway, now, let's check on the terminology status of corona.'

The book, Pads noted, was Gray's Anatomy. Trojie flipped through its well-thumbed pages quickly, aided by the fact that the spine appeared to be particularly creased at the relevant point in the book.

'Well, it looks like it is a proper term - the corona glandis is the edge of the glans penis.' The book was thumped shut and tossed back into the Bag, which Trojie then heaved back over her shoulder. 'But I'm willing to bet the slash author didn't actually know that.'

'Considering the author can't even spell tongue,' Pads said with a wave at the canons, 'you may be right. Look.'

Frodo had'nt had enough time to finish his sentence, Sam had engulfed his member all the way to the bottom. The head was in his throat, Sam's tougne ran up and down the shaft in a extremely sensual manner.

'Tougne?' Trojie repeated. 'That's a new one on me. And when did Sam Gamgee learn to deep throat anyway?'

'Presumably in the same place he learnt that semen's good for quenching your thirst.'

'If that's the sort of survival skills he brought on this Quest, I'm amazed they've even made it this far.'

'Casts his urge to bring a lot of rope along in a new light though,' Pads mused, then shuddered at the mental image.

Frodo cried out, " S-S-Saam I'm gonna, I'm gonna cum!"

'The anachronism, it hurts,' Pads whimpered. Trojie took the notebook from her as she slumped against the wall in despair.

It wasn't long before she was scribbling just as frantically as her partner had been.

Frodo shot his load into the mouth of his servant, quenching the unquietable carnal desires of the body that had to be fed.

'The sheer volume of anachronistic and OOC dialogue in such a small fic is mindboggling,' she said to the huddled and shuddering Pads. 'Shall we get in there before Sam manages to give Frodo a facewash?'

Pads lurched to her feet and grabbed Sam, holding his hands above his head, not a difficult feat when she was nearly twice his height. Frodo put up no resistance, thanks to the Author's insistence that the post-coital glow removed all energy.

Trojie swung her bell at the two characters with gusto, and began to exorcise, not caring that the volume of the thing was magnified in the echoey and illogical cave.

'Avaunt, foul Authorwraith and breeder of anachronism! I banish uncanonical sexual knowlege, I banish creation of uncanonical caves! I banish creation of uncanonical timeframe in which to enter said caves and exercise said knowledge! I banish OOC Frodo and Sam! I - have run out of things to banish. But that's okay! I banish this entire thing!'

'Getting a bit informal in our old age, are we?' Pads said, bopping Sam over the head gently with Return of the King.

'You and I have appointments at the Nursery to see our dear children, which I am determined not to miss,' said Trojie. 'Short and sweet, therefore, ought to be our motto.'

'I'm not disagreeing with you on any point,' said Pads. 'Though short and sour, or possibly salty, might be more appropriate in this case. I just don't fancy another punishment. Our boys and girl could do with mothers with their sanity intact.'

'True,' Trojie conceded, stuffing the books back into the Bag and fishing around for the neuralyser, and a bottle of water to wash away the taste. 'Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, if you'd care to look this way?'

Sam was unconscious, and Frodo was too busy gibbering to pay much attention, so it took a fair amount of manhandling on Pads's part to get each mouth rinsed and all four eyes held open and looking in the right direction. This achieved, she shut her own, and nodded at Trojie to get on with it.

FLASH

'You two are currently racing to get the Ring to Mount Doom, where you will destroy it. You have no time for distractions, and while your water rations are insufficient to get you to your destination, you have amazing hobbit resilience, and the Crack of Doom is just up this mountain. So get on with it, and do your breeches up first. Thank you and goodnight.'

The two agents briskly manhandled both Hobbits fully back into their clothing and shoved them gently out of the cave, which popped out of existence behind them.

'Portal?' Pads asked, as Trojie ran her hands over the rock face.

'I thought you'd never ask.'

Pads reached for the RA, and then thought a second. 'Hmm. I think,' she said, fiddling with the controls, 'that a more direct approach is called for here.'

The portal opened, and Pads ushered Trojie through... into the Nursery.

'Good thinking, Pads,' Trojie said, heading towards the older children's classroom. Pads followed her, intending to spend a little time with Marsha before checking on their infant sons.

'Nice to see somewhere that's not the RC or covered in semen for once,' Trojie commented, taking her partner's hand as they walked.

There was a distant BEEEEEEP from the Nursery offices. Both Agents ignored it, thankful that for once it had nothing to do with them, until a querulous voice from the offices called out:

'Er, are Agents Trojanhorse and Paddlebrains here? Only there's a mission sitting on our Console for them...'