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[personal profile] rc45
Title: How To Remember The Signs
Author: GuardianOfLight
Obligatory linkage: http://books.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=544211791
Rating: NC-17
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rating: R
Summary: The punishment saga comes to a climax (pun not really intended but disturbingly accurate) with god/human pornography.

January 2009 HST

'This is disgusting. And it smells,' said Trojie, plucking irritably at her uniform jacket.

'Yes, well, perhaps it would behoove you to remember that apparently the Ironic Overpower has it in for you and that it does leave these little banana skins in the path of your life,' said Pads, crossing her arms. 'Stop bitching. This is the big one.'

Trojie shut her eyes momentarily. 'I know.'

'So come on and let's get it over with.'

They were on the cliff at the edge of Narnia, Aslan was teaching Jill Pole the four signs that would help her and Eustace in their quest.

'So we're Silver Chair time-period, then?' said Trojie. 'Not my favourite of the novels. It always used to frighten me as a child.'

'Well, there's no time to be frightened. This is a quick-and-dirty, very much literally.'

'This gung-ho attitude, it's an act, isn't it?' said Trojie shrewdly. 'You're just as nervous as I am.'

'Well, it's not every day you have to smack Jesus-as-a-lion around the head with a book, now, is it?'

'That's if he really is Aslan, and not a replacement. What's he going to do in this, anyway? You've been remarkably quiet about it so far.'

'He's going to help Jill remember the signs,' Pads said, shifting uncomfortably.

'Yes? So far, so canonical.'

Pads sighed. 'Just watch.'

Trojie did so as Jill ran through the signs, stumbling over them entirely canonically.

“Repeat the signs again child, but be warned, every time you get a sign wrong you must forfeit an article of clothing.”

'What?' the veteran spluttered. 'I don't remember that from the book.'

'Well, no, dear ol' C.S. was rather quiet on things like God playing the equivalent of strip-poker with his flock.'

'Jill seems a bit bemused,' said Trojie. 'I can't say I blame her, really. But, oh, right, she tries to say no-'

'And Aslan frightens her into doing it anyway. I'd call this non-con.'

'Is it going to turn into sex?'

'What do you think?'

'That's a yes then. Okay, there is sex ... does she say no to the actual sex?'

Pads rolled her eyes. 'Same question as above.'

'Silly of me to ask, wasn't it? Okay then, I'd call that dub-con, not straight non-con.'

'I bow to your expertise. Dammit, Jill was not this poor at remembering the signs. She got them off just fine in canon - she only forgot them after stopping practising for days.'

'Yes, but if she'd been competent, Aslan wouldn't be able to loosely justify doing that,' said Trojie, indicating where Aslan was forcing Jill to remove shoes and socks. After one more fumbled answer he ripped her blouse off.

'Oh, for crying in a bucket,' Trojie said, sinking wearily to the grass. 'What are we going to do about this?'

'I don't know.' Pads frowned. 'We don't even get to stop it early in case of internal damage.'

'But he's a lion!' Trojie wailed.

'Yes, but he's a magical lion,' Pads reminded her.

'I don't want to know,' Trojie declared. 'Tell me how we're going to kill him.'

'Alright,' Pads said, flopping down beside her partner and resolutely refusing to look at the canons. Jill was now naked except for her underwear, and stuttering. 'We're going to ... knock him unconscious and cut his throat?'

'Don't think gods can be knocked unconscious,' said Trojie dolefully. 'And I don't think that calling upon Glod Glodsson will help this time.'

'Point. Don't suppose you have any landmines left in that Bag?'

'We used them all in LBT.'


'Portal him somewhere else?'


'Some continuum that doesn't have any gods and does have people who kill lions?'

'Can you think of one?'

'Not ... off the top of my head, no.'

'We're doomed. The Lace just couldn't be bothered with the paperwork to send us back to our old lives ... she's just trying to kill us off.'

'Don't be like that.' Pads leant in for a cuddle, braced for the smack that was almost certainly coming.

It didn't come.

And so it was that two black-clad PPC agents sat entwined on the top of the cliff overlooking Narnia and watched Aslan, an enormous divine Lion, lick portions of Jill Pole's anatomy, and by the power of smut turn her objections into enthusiastic participation.

'By 'cherry', I take it the author means 'hymen',' said Pads after a short time. 'What with the constant references to Aslan miraculously not breaking it.'

'I'm going to say so, yes,' said Trojie, resting her head on Pads's shoulder. 'On the plus side, at least she's finally remembered those blasted signs.'

'On the other hand,' Pads pointed out, 'Aslan now appears to be mounting her.'

'There is that,' Trojie said, burying her face in her partner's shoulder so she wouldn't have to watch. 'What do you think would happen if we just threw ourselves off this cliff?'

'We'd splash,' Pads said. 'Eventually. Giving up is not the answer. Come on! There must be some way we can deal with a randy Aslan.'

Trojie sat up again and considered. The Words caught her eye, and she frowned. 'Aslan has an eighteen inch penis?'

'How long is his body?'

'Uh, a normal lion can be up to eight feet in length. I don't know any stats on penis length, I'm afraid.'

'Well, size accuracy aside, eighteen inches is long enough to seriously cripple Jill.'

'Not to mention the fact that lions have spiny penises.'

'They what?'

'You heard me.'

'Oh Glod.'

'She's going to be a mess,' Trojie said gloomily. Then she brightened. 'But that means we can stop this now instead of waiting for the end!'

'Nope,' Pads told her sadly. 'Magical penis, remember. It's not damaging her at all. Look, she's enjoying it.'

And indeed she was. All manner of writhing, flailing and moaning was going on. Trojie turned away in distaste. 'There has to be a way to kill him,' she said. 'There has to. He's a god, they always have a weak spot.'

Pads opened her mouth to answer, and then stopped, frowning. 'There is,' she said. 'The White Witch managed it.'

'If you think we're bringing her back...'

'No, but there's the Knife she used. It could be worth a try.'

'To Ramandu's island!' Trojie cried, and turned around as if to make haste. She stopped short at the edge of the cliff. 'Er...'

'How warped would you say the canon is?' Pads asked, taking Trojie's hand.

'Aslan just violated Jill,' Trojie reminded her.

'Excellent. Hold on tight.'

'What are you -'

With a gentle pop, both agents disappeared.

They reappeared a moment later on Ramandu's Island, by a long table covered with food.

'What the hell was that?' Trojie shouted, rounding on her partner.

'I Apparated,' said Pads calmly, reaching for an apple.

'And if it hadn't worked? Would we have popped into the ether? Or left bits behind?'

'It probably just wouldn't have worked,' said Pads. 'Come on, we've got a Knife to collect.'

No-one noticed them as, cloaked by canon, - or what was left of it, at least - Pads picked the Stone Knife up off the table.

'I've just remembered something,' she said, waving the Knife. 'Aren't you supposed to fall asleep after picking up the Stone Knife?'

'Only if it's not right for you to do so,' said Trojie. 'I'm guessing the canon wants this abominable Aslan gone as much as we do.' She took the Knife and stowed it in the top stratum of the Bag, and then took Pads's hand.


'Don't say anything. This is not a meaningful gesture. Just get me back to that bloody clifftop so we can kill that bloody lion and I can finally go home and wash my bloody uniform.'

'Roger that, boss,' Pads said, and spun around.

Back on the cliff, Jill had just about pulled herself together, and was once again clothed.

'Quick!' Trojie hissed. 'Before he starts blowing!'

'Not a good line to hear in a badslash,' Pads said with a grimace, but she nonetheless brandished her wand and leapt in front of the Lion. 'Avaunt!' she cried, then, looking sidelong at Trojie, 'Er, what now?'

'I don't know! Stun him, or something!' Trojie said, grabbing Jill and thwacking her round the head with her bell.

Pads whirled. 'Petrificus Totalus!'

Aslan froze.

'I don't know how long this is going hold!' cried Pads. 'Knife, knife now, for the love of Glod and a bucket of Billywigs!'

Trojie tossed her the Knife. 'Through the eye and into the brain, Pads!' she called, wrestling with the struggling Jill. 'None of this shit about hearts. Brain!'

It was all over with a thin line of blood trickling from the lion's eyesocket. Jill subsided, looking so traumatised that Trojie almost wanted to hug her.

'That wasn't really Aslan, sweetie,' she said to the girl, pulling her into a sitting position. 'Pads, for Glod's sake get that corpse out of here and I'll neuralyse her and hopefully the real Aslan will turn up soon and do this properly.'

Pads pushed and pulled at the Aslan-corpse, dragging it to the cliff's edge. 'This would be easier with help,' she pointed out, wiping sweat from her eyes. 'Come on.'

Trojie, with a reluctant look at the catatonic Jill, went to help. Together, the Agents managed to shove the body off the cliff.

'Sadly, we don't have time to wait around and see if it splashes,' said Pads. The Knife appeared to have vanished, presumably to reappear on Ramandu's Island, with the removal of the canon-warping presence.

'Yes, but it's going straight down. It's going to land in the sea. Of course it's going to splash, you sadist.' Trojie tossed Pads her sunglasses for the fifth and hopefully last time in this nightmare, and pulled out her neuralyser.


'Jill Pole-'

'I will take care of her.' An enormous golden lion padded into view. Trojie and Pads backed off hurriedly.

'Um, Aslan-'

'Yes, Daughter of Eve? Or Son of Adam, I see,' said Aslan, smiling at Pads. 'And Beast sometimes, too.'

'We were just leaving,' said Trojie. 'Will she be alright?'

'Jill will be fine,' said Aslan. 'She has faith, and the aid of her friends.'

'I... guess we're done, then?' Pads asked, turning to Trojie. 'Home?'

'And a bath,' Trojie added, grinning. Pads shuddered. 'And then lots and lots of lovely Bleeprin, and sleep.'

'Sounds like a plan. Do the honours?'

Trojie opened the portal, and, with once last glance at Aslan and Jill, ushered her partner back to HQ.

Concluded in Part Six: The Genderbending Interlude
Part One: The Two Boys
Part Two: Wedding Night
Part Three: Mirror Mirror
Part Four: The White Witches deal

Date: 2009-02-20 04:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lady-rilwen.livejournal.com
Er, wow. That is a truly dreadful pairing.
Still, at least it's the final punishment mission, no?

Date: 2009-02-20 04:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
It is indeed. And the next thing to be posted is hilarity. Hopefully.

Date: 2009-02-20 04:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ms-duck.livejournal.com
... *drools in a brain dead manner* bleeeepriiin... pleeeease...

Date: 2009-02-20 04:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
You'll have to report to the General Store for that, I'm afraid :)

We took out all the nasty, I promise! What's in the sporking is the bare bones of the incidents detailed.

Date: 2009-02-20 04:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ms-duck.livejournal.com
I'm better now. I have chocolate.

It's probably a good thing you did, otherwise the insanity rate would've gone up. ^^;

Date: 2009-02-20 04:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Definitely. We have to remove most of the actual content of most of the fics we spork, actually.

Date: 2009-02-20 05:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sedri.livejournal.com
Strip poker... eesh.

*is dazed* I'll just be moving on to the last bit, now....

Date: 2009-02-20 05:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Um ... the next bit might break your brain entirely ...

Date: 2009-02-20 05:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sedri.livejournal.com
Well, this one didn't break my brain. Beastiality and anatomical inaccuracies... meh. You two have strengthened my stomach considerably. And I'm no Aslan fan.

Date: 2009-02-20 05:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Yay, we didn't break our Sedri!

Date: 2009-02-20 05:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sedri.livejournal.com
YOUR Sedri? Having just read your interlude, I don't want to be anything CLOSE to resembling "your Sedri".

That said, I accept the inclusive familiarity in a very platonic, neighbourly sort of way. (I would've said "sisterly" but after that Susan/Lucy fic... bleh)

Date: 2009-02-20 05:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
It was meant in a sisterly way :P

Date: 2009-02-20 06:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sedri.livejournal.com
*hugs sister Trojie and sister Pads... the latter somewhat more carefully*

Date: 2009-02-20 09:14 am (UTC)
ext_42328: Language is my playground (Default)
From: [identity profile] ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com
Look, WHO THE HELL THOUGHT OF THAT? So far, the basic Bad Idea has made *some kind of sense*, but this is something Else.

Date: 2009-02-20 09:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-fiend.livejournal.com
This is, of course, what one gets for trawling the Uber Pit for badfics. I saw the title, and I saw the warning for bestiality, and somehow I could just see exactly how the thing was going to play out...

Date: 2009-02-21 06:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Someone WEIRD thought of it.

Date: 2009-02-20 02:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dracorn-adagio.livejournal.com
And now I'm getting flashbacks to "The Problem of Susan." Except that was at least well-written, while this particular fic... isn't.

Nice mission!

Date: 2009-02-21 06:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
The Problem of Susan had a *point*. Plus, it had the power of Gaiman behind it. THis was just PWP.

Glad you liked!

Date: 2009-02-21 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] manx-n-shadow.livejournal.com

*fetal position* *dies*

Date: 2009-02-21 06:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com

*gives bleeprin*

Date: 2009-02-25 10:34 am (UTC)
ext_85481: (Default)
From: [identity profile] hsavinien.livejournal.com

On the upside, yay for Real Aslan. I really like the way he addresses Pads. *coos*

Date: 2009-02-25 06:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
He's canonically supposed to be there, so much as we dislike invoking REAL Deus ex machina, he kind of had to turn up. I like to think he would have been mildly confused by Pads for a short while, at least.


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