rc45: (Default)
[personal profile] rc45
Title: "Please?"
Author: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Rating: R
Author's Notes: Um. We're, uh, not quite sure how to explain this one. [livejournal.com profile] julyflame said something extremely odd, which [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend's mind used as a prompt for a couple of lines of, well, PPC-HQ-based multi-species threeway femmeslash. [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie cackled like the madwoman she is, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Agent Trojanhorse moaned a little, still about 93 per cent asleep, as the warm tongue dragged its way along the side of her knee. As moans went, it was fairly generic, although her lips seemed to be forming themselves around the word "Kurt". She shifted a little, basking in the warmth of the panting breath on the inside of her knee. Then she blinked; reality asserted itself a little, and she sat bolt upright on her bunk.

'Pads!' Trojie squeaked, drawing her neglected blankets up to her chin.

'What in the name of --'

'What?' Agent Paddlebrains complained, when she had transformed back into a shape that had proper vocal chords. 'Your bloody dog does it to me all the time ... '

'Only when you're both the same shape!'

Pads raised an eyebrow. 'We're both the same shape now.'

'That has to be the worst chat-up line I've ever heard.'

''Up' wasn't exactly what I had in mind...'

Trojie glared suspiciously, clinging to the blankets for dear life.

'If anything that's worse. Try again.'

'Um. I love you and want to have your babies?'

' ... Are you sure you're not an ex-Sue? Your knowledge of the mechanics of getting your leg over seems to be a little lacking.'

'You're a girl. I'm a girl. No legs over involved. Unless ... ' Pads's eyes flickered toward Trojie's top drawer.

'I resent the implication. I do not keep strap-ons, for any purposes!'

'What other purposes could there possibly be?'

'Could make a good bludgeon.'

'We're not Assassins.'

'No, but I'm a girl, and you're a girl, and you can't have my babies.'

'Why not?' Pads pouted.

'It's biologically impossible!' Trojie protested.

'Can I have the right to have your babies?' Pads countered, wisely refraining from any comments along the lines of 'I bet that's what Dolly's mums thought too'.

'I'm not calling you Loretta.'


'Well, alright, Loretta, but --'

'No, not 'please call me Loretta', you moron, just ... please?'

'This is very odd, you know. Unexpected is a word I'd use. 'Moron' isn't, by the way, if I were trying to seduce someone.'

'You're just arse at reading body language. This has been coming for ages. Pun intended. Now, please?'

'Well excuse me for not being a Bene Gesserit, but body language wasn't on the curriculum at my uni. And stop with the hands!'

'Well, decide!'

'Decide what? Whether to scream rape or to just smack you?'

Pads slumped, retracting her wandering hands. Trojie noticed their absence, but refused to consider any implications of the suddenly-bereft feeling engendered by not having a couple of nicotine-stained and slightly chilly fingers stroking her ankle.

'Look, you lie in bed moaning, what's a girl supposed to do?'

'Have a cold shower! I rather doubt I'm moaning your name.'

'Well no, it's three syllables, it's hard to moan it.'

'If you're trying to distract me with - stoppit!' Trojie slapped the blankets over her feet. Pads withdrew her hand again with a pout.

'You like it, you know you do.'

'That's ... not the issue at stake here. This is unprofessional!'

'Professionalism here consists of killing fictional characters, eating revolting food and dodging myriad emergencies. Half of all the people who ever worked here got killed by their partners. Getting laid is hardly going to damage your professional reputation. Besides, this is Bad Slash, you can say it's research.'

'Look, you're not very good at talking your prowess up, are you? Bad Slash indeed. Sounds really alluring now.'

'You know what I meant.'

'I always know what you mean.'

'Apart from, apparently, when I want to get into your knickers.'

Trojie looked uncomfortable, and as brain-sharing works both ways, Pads suddenly looked triumphant.

'You're not wearing knickers!'

'I'm in my pyjamas! Of course I'm not wearing knickers!'

'You mean you're ... you're naked under there?'

'In a sense, I suppose, but 'under there' is referring to clothing, so, in the strictest sense, no.'

Pads looked bemused. 'Why in Glod's name are you naked when someone's trying to seduce you?'

'Because 'trying' is the operative word! Success not guaranteed!'

'Methinks thou dost protest too much,' Pads leered, fingers burrowing inexorably under the duvet.

'Ack! Also not a good chat-up line!'

'Sorry,' Pads mumbled, her fingers resuming their former position on Trojie's left foot. 'I didn't get a lot of practice at this in my home continuum. Well, actually, that's a lie, I got plenty of practice at being rejected.'

'What, so, I'm supposed to shag you out of pity?'

'I'd prefer out of uncontrollable lusts, if it's all the same to you.'

'Lusts don't just happen, you know. They have to be nurtured.'


'Well ... You could start by wooing me.'

'I could woo you with my tongue?' Pads suggested, extending the muscle in question and presenting it for inspection. Trojie noted the piercing, and filed that knowledge away for future use.

'That only counts as wooing if you're a barbarian horde or a hooker. Flowers are more traditional. Chocolate. You know, nice stuff.'

'Hang on then.' Pads scrambled down from the bunk and rummaged in the cupboards for a few minutes. She returned with a squashed cardboard box.

'Here! Chocolate!'

'Pads, we stole those from a fic three weeks ago. They're not edible.'

'They're Higgs and Meakins' Luxury Assortment!'


Pads made a pleading face. 'At least tell me if I'm on the right track?'

'You're --' Trojie eyed her partner. '-- not totally hopeless,' she finished. However, she thought she could see a way out of this: set Pads some kind of task that would take long enough for her to realise her folly and cease and desist from this suit.

'So can we --'

'I can possibly be persuaded for large amounts of chocolate. Really large. Huge. That'll take ages to find. So off you go, and I will sleep,' said Trojie, little realising what lack of sleep and overheated hope would induce Pads to do.

The Animagus agent perched on the edge of her partner's bunk for a moment longer, her face thoughtful. Then, seeming to come to a decision, she slithered to the floor, transforming to her dog shape in mid-air, and exited RC#45, nose alert for the aroma of chocolate, and possibly flowers, or, failing those, viagra.

Date: 2008-04-08 01:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] julyflame.livejournal.com
Oh God. XD!

Date: 2008-04-08 04:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agentsara.livejournal.com

Dear Glod, we are going to die.

Date: 2008-04-08 07:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
No, hopefully you're going to giggle :) That's the effect we're going for :) Do tell us if you're wincing, throwing up, or dying, though, because we'd like to avoid those reactions.

Date: 2008-04-08 06:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] katrinbisiani.livejournal.com
It's a bad thing I'm cheering for Pads? Because I understand poor Trojanhorse but I'm inclined to 'morally' support Pads approaches.

Date: 2008-04-08 07:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Not in the slightest. Whatever happens with this bizarre HQ Interlude arc we've started, rest assured that Trojie and Pads will remain friends and continue to patrol the Bad Slash beat together, just maybe or maybe not a little more together than they originally were :)

Date: 2008-04-08 09:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] piink-lemonade.livejournal.com
Brilliant. :-) Go Pads!

Date: 2008-04-08 01:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oozaru-angel.livejournal.com
*punches the air* YES! Femslash! Finally! I loves it! Is this canon or just a joke? if it's canon I will be taking a much deeper interest in your missions from now on. Glod yes.


Date: 2008-04-08 08:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-fiend.livejournal.com
So femmeslash makes our missions more readable? Cool, if indicative of something slightly worrying. We have no objections to being HQ's first lesbian couple, so you never know your luck. It all depends on the standard of Pads's wooing and how well-maintained Trojie's defenses are.

Date: 2008-04-08 11:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oozaru-angel.livejournal.com
*blushes* Sorry. I just don't get good femslash often.

Date: 2008-04-09 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-fiend.livejournal.com
Don't know where to point you for it. Only femmeslash I've ever read is [livejournal.com profile] hyel's Polly/Mal stuff from Monstrous Regiment. Pretty good though.

Hang on. You mean we write good femmeslash?

Date: 2008-04-09 02:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oozaru-angel.livejournal.com
Funny femslash at least. And it was good.

Date: 2008-04-09 02:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
w00t for funny :) We like funny. Believe it or not, we were trying for funny, rather than brain-burning :)

Date: 2008-04-08 08:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
It is canon ... we think.

Date: 2008-04-08 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelonianmobile.livejournal.com
*squee* Aww! In the words of Pottersues, "yay lesbians".

I feel I should try doing something like this now. Sadly my PPC characters consist of two straight females, one female who's probably at least mostly straight but kicks and bites whenever anyone gets close enough to check, one gay male, and two preteen kids, and I don't know if my ficcing conscience will let me label stuff about my own characters "non-canon" ... ah well, dream-sequence and/or futurefic time, I guess. I was planning on doing a webcomic parody dream-sequence fic or two with my lot anyway. (Inspired by noticing that Laburnum and Foxglove bear an inadvertent similarity to Collin and Fox of "Friendly Hostility", which IIRC I hadn't read when I created them.)

And then there's the gender-bender storyline Kit and I are thinking of for both our agents at the OFUR, always potential hijinks there ...

Date: 2008-04-08 09:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
We're pleased that people seem to be liking this; we thought it might be an interesting twist for our pair's future missions :)

Date: 2008-04-08 04:58 pm (UTC)
izzet_engineer: (Default)
From: [personal profile] izzet_engineer
eeeee! Eeeeee! EEEEEEE! Femslash! ;-)
Hmmm...can I justify doing a PPC slash story with my agents (one bisexual guy and one...well, no-one quite knows)?

Date: 2008-04-08 08:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-fiend.livejournal.com
Yep. Just label it backstory. Or Ten Years Hence, if it's set in the future.

Date: 2008-04-09 06:59 am (UTC)
izzet_engineer: (Default)
From: [personal profile] izzet_engineer
Backstory then, I guess. Now, how to do this without copious amounts of alcohol being involved?

Date: 2008-04-08 07:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dracorn-adagio.livejournal.com
*dies laughing* Awesome. Things look like they're going to get interesting...

Date: 2008-04-08 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agent-tomato.livejournal.com
There are no words for how incredibly squeeful I feel right now. That's just made of so much awesomeness.

Date: 2008-04-08 10:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] manx-n-shadow.livejournal.com
First thought: EEEEEEEEEE!!! Brilliant! *cracks up*

Second thought: I could write something with my agents like this!


Fourth thought: ...

Anyway. Love it! ^_^

Date: 2008-04-08 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Do a Ten Years Hence then; they'll be 23/24, which is nice and legal.

Date: 2008-04-11 12:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-fiend.livejournal.com
Sometimes, anyway. Depends on the context.

Date: 2008-04-12 07:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Certainly can be useful ...

Date: 2008-04-09 09:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lysimachia.livejournal.com
*dies laughing* Oh, this is the funniest thing I've read in ages. C'mon Pads, turn on the charm offensive and woo her. XD

Date: 2008-04-25 07:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kunenk.livejournal.com
Brilliant! *applauds*

Date: 2008-10-29 06:16 am (UTC)
ext_85481: (Default)
From: [identity profile] hsavinien.livejournal.com
^_^ Yay. Cute and awkward.

Date: 2008-10-29 06:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
The sequel (set one year later on Trojie's birthday) shows what happened next :)
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