MISSION: Forbidden Love
Dec. 16th, 2005 09:14 pm![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rc45Title: Forbidden Love
Author: Celebrian
Fandom: LOTR
Sporked by: Trojie and Soulshadow
Rating: M
Notes: Trojie's first cowrite, with her original PPC partner, Soulshadow. This mission is the origin of Absinthe the sniffer dog, as well.
Disclaimer: We do not own the PPC; that’s the property of the (sadly now retired) Agents Jay Thorntree and Acacia Bird, and is under the management of Miss Cam. This fic has been made with her permission.
We do not own Middle Earth either; that’s Tolkien’s. And ‘Forbidden Love’ is the property of ‘Celebrian’, who should really know better. She knows the names of the twins! She knows they go out orc-hunting! She’s obviously read the books, even the Appendices, so why? Why this horror?
If you read this, Celebrian, please take our advice to heart. And remember; the tagline is your friend.
NB: Parts of the original fic are in italics.
'When I was an alien
Cultures weren't opinions . . .'
Air guitar was being perpetrated. The strains of Nirvana played at maximum volume filtered the grey corridors of the PPC. Trojie was leaping around her response centre like an idiot. Grunge can do terrible things to an otherwise reasonably sane person. It is at times like these that narrative comedy just has too many choices . . .
A knock came at the door, and at the same time the console 'bip!'-ed.
Grudgingly Trojie turned the music down and opened the door. A familiar figure stood on the other side -- a familiar figure with long, wavy jet-black hair and red eyes, wearing a PPC Bad Slash Dept uniform carefully, if somewhat . . . creatively . . . adjusted to allow for the small bat-wings which protruded from her back.
'Soulshadow?' Trojie adjusted her own PPC uniform, conscious of the fact that it was probably overdue a dry cleaning, and that her knees were ripped from grovelling under the console in search of lost guitar picks. Realising that while she was dallying over her clothing her friend was standing out in the corridor, she yanked the demoness into the response centre and hugged her. ‘What are you doing here?’
Soul disentangled herself with dignity. 'Upstairs said you needed a partner.'
'I didn't know you'd been recruited!'
'Yes, two or three months back. So far I have been working alone and it has not been fun. Upstairs got tired of my complaining -- especially after I almost barbequed Queen Anne's Lace -- so they said I could work with you.'
'Barbequed . . . ?' Trojie wondered if it might be better not to ask. 'You *barbequed* the Queen. Our Head of Department. Soul, do you have a death wish?'
'Yes, barbequed. Almost barbequed.' Soul smiled, displaying short, sharp fangs. 'I got annoyed with her, and at the same time found out about her aversion to fire. In all honesty I think she would have liked to dismiss me from the PPC there and then, but she couldn't -- I suppose you've heard how awfully short-staffed we are?'
'Oh, believe me, I know about it,' Trojie sighed. 'There're so many down in the LOTR department that I've been put on both musician-fic and LOTR bad slash duty, thanks to the Sunflower Official. Whose jurisdiction I am so not under.'
'How wonderful for you.' Soul's voice had a low, cold and slightly oily quality that had made Trojie a little nervous before she'd got to know her. However, Soul had never attacked anything that didn't deserve it (such as spamwraiths and Mary-Sues -- and apparently now Queen Anne's Lace as well, but she probably deserved it too), as far as Trojie knew, so she put her worries to the back of her mind and concentrated on how much better life was going to be with a partner. What's more, she realized, she had a partner she liked and knew she could get along with. Better not let Upstairs know about that one, she thought with an internal grin. Outwardly though, she grimaced in reply to Soul's flippant comment.
'Oh, yes, wonderful. Now I have to deal with the usual run of rapist orcs and angst-ridden hobbits AS WELL as the members of Zep shagging vast numbers of roadies backstage before playing Madison Square Gardens; and that's no errand for the faint hearted, I can tell you. Did you bring your gear?' This was a not-so-crafty attempt to find out if Soul had brought her bow; ostentatiously named 'The Nemesis', and a weapon of mass destruction in its own right. If the Nemesis had tagged along, then the only safe place to be was directly behind Soul. The words 'trigger happy' come to mind.
Soul nodded curtly and ducked out of the response centre. Trojie heard her yelling something that sounded oddly like, 'Hurry up, you useless metal cretins!' but decided it was probably better not to comment, once again. A moment or two later her questions were answered anyway, when two small metal robots, each one about the size of a football and sporting a long crocodile clip-like arrangement on the end of a rotating arm that protruded from the centre of its metal hemisphere. One was dragging a small suitcase on wheels; the other had been entrusted to the care of the hard case the Nemesis was kept in when she wasn't needed. Trojie couldn't help herself. 'What the hell are they?’
'Skutters.' Soul's grin could be quite scary, thanks to the fangs, but the beam she flashed to Trojie now was nothing less than agreeable. 'I scowled at Makes-Things until he let me borrow them. They come from the Red Dwarf universe . . . useful little things; it's a pity I have to send them back. Right!' she added sharply to the two skutters, who had carefully put down their loads and were now circling one another in some kind of crazy square-dance. 'Be gone, foul shades. Otherwise known as useless metal cretins, underdeveloped microwaves, and everything else I've yelled at you between my old office and here. Go on, shoo, Makes-Things'll think I've kidnapped you.'
The skutters whizzed away down the corridor, looking quite grateful to be released from obligations. Insofar as they could actually look anything, that is.
'Ah, shall we go for it with the latest, then?' Trojie indicated the console, which was still 'bip'-ing relentlessly. 'It'll only get more insistent if we don't go and see to it.'
As if to prove the point, the console emitted a more piercing 'beep'. Soul scowled at it.
'All right. What've we got?'
Trojie scanned the readout. 'Legolas and Elrohir engaging in incredibly painful sex while side-stepping massive plotholes and too many random implausibilities to even begin to consider. Oh, and Elrond is Not Very Nice.'
'What?' Soul growled. Anyone who messed with Elrond (or a handful of others) on her watch was likely to get maimed. 'Right. Let us go forth and exorcise. Do we need disguises?'
'Err . . . I don't always bother, but these are so OOC it's probably a good idea, just in case they can see us. Elves do?'
Soul peered over Trojie's shoulder at the readout. 'Yes, we seem to be mostly in Imladris, though they do go to Lórien for a bit . . . Elves it is.'
Trojie set the disguises quickly while Soul made sure they had the essentials to hand in a bag. 'Aren't you a shapechanger anyway?' Trojie asked conversationally as she did her best to figure out the best place to portal in. She knew Soul from one of their mutual haunts, the Tolkien_Silliness list, and as far as she could understand, the demoness was one of those annoying types who could change her appearance to fit.
'Yes, but the disguises hide us from canons' eyes . . . It doesn't matter who or what I am; I still need to be out of phase and the disguises do that. Besides, I'm not brilliant at hiding the wings: they tend to show no matter what. Do you have the disguises set up yet?'
'Yep.' Trojie nodded her understanding of Soul's explanation and pressed the button to open the portal. 'After you, dear partner.'
'Why, thank you,' Soul said dryly, stepping through into . . . Rivendell forest, apparently. Trojie picked up the bag with the remote activator, Canon Analysis Device, notebook, bell, candles and hardback Lord of the Rings trilogy in and followed suit. After quickly eyeing each other to ensure the disguises were all right (Soul was rather impressed with her new pointed ears), they took a look around. It didn't take them long to find Legolas, standing perfectly still with his head on one side, studying a 'very old' tree with a detached, thoughtful expression. 'He looks somewhat . . . mindless,' Soul noted.
'Yep. Dumb as a post. It's the backlash from the movie 'Captain Obvious' Legolas incarnation,' the dark haired 'elf' snorted and hefted the bag onto her shoulder. Things jangled inside it. Trojie took a quick look at the Words and took the opportunity to add to her previous statement. 'Actually, he's wondering.'
'What about?'
'Your guess is as good as mine. According to the Words, he's wondering through Rivendell forest.'
'That explains precisely nothing.'
'I thought so, too. And that first paragraph was one sentence. ONE SENTENCE. Arrgh, some people should just not be allowed word processors.'
"It was a present" came an as-yet-disembodied voice from not far away.
'Period!' hissed Soul. Trojie raised an eyebrow, which on an Elf is a most impressive expression. 'I'm sorry, but punctuation errors REALLY annoy me.'
'Me too. But get used to them. This fic is rife with the buggers. Spelling errors too.'
The disembodied voice soon attached itself to an owner: Elrohir, who was introduced in the next badly structured, run-on sentence.
Both Legolas and Elrohir looked up at the tree in perfect sync. 'What the . . . ?' Soul began.
Trojie sighed. 'Bloody stage directions. I don't think she uses a single explanatory sentence from here on in. And her taglines are few and far between, as well.'
'What?' Soul frowned, confused, and scanned the Words. 'Oh,' she said softly as realisation dawned. 'Oh, Elbereth. So the canon's trying to allow for every eventuality? They're both going to do everything?'
Trojie, who was quite a lot further on in the Words than Soul, grimaced. 'I really hope not.'
'Ah. Is it that . . . terrible?'
'Yep. Graphic, badly spelled, implausible, and . . . dear Lord! No! Nonononononononono!' Trojie shut her eyes, stuffed her fingers in her ears and began to sing under her breath. 'Been dazed and confused for so long it's not true . . .'
'Troj?'
'Wanted a woman, never bargained for you . . .'
'Trojie?'
'Lots of people talkin'--'
'TROJANHORSE!'
Trojie took her fingers out of her ears and opened her eyes.
'What?'
'Come on. We have a fic to fix.' Soul hesitated. 'Is it really that bad?'
'Yes.' Trojie took a deep breath and whispered 'No lubricant.'
Soul winced, but her only comment was, 'Disturbing,' which Trojie privately thought had to rank pretty high in this century's list of greatest understatements. 'Well . . . as disturbing as that is, we ought to be listening in to Elrohir . . . or whoever he is . . .'
'Whatever,' Trojie corrected darkly.
"I used to hide in it's branches when my father was angry at me...I felt safe up there."
Soul blinked. 'Angry at me'? Is this the correct way of phrasing the sentiment according to the Elven syntax?'
Trojie shook her head in despair. 'I'm pretty sure it's not the correct way of phrasing the sentiment in any syntax. Except possibly American slang. 'Angry with me' I could accept . . .' She sighed deeply. 'It gets worse.'
"Is your father upset at you?" asked Legolas looking at him.
Smiling "No...Thanks Elbereth. No..." looked at him.
'You're welcome, dear!' A voice like tinkly silver bells manifested itself in everyone's head.
Soul turned to Trojie, a small suspicious frown wrinkling her forehead. 'Did you say that?'
'Nope. I thought it was you.'
'Sorry to disappoint. Wait a moment, I'll check the Words.' Quickly, Soul did so, and after a moment's thought had a theory. 'Elbereth must be a very polite deity to say 'you're welcome' when someone thanks her personally . . .'
Trojie grinned. 'Or else she doesn't get a lot of gratitude.'
'Could be.' Soul shrugged. 'You think the canons heard that?'
'I hope not. We don't want them going around starting a new religion or something, based on words from one of their gods . . .'
'From what I have read of the Words and the information you have just imparted to me,' Soul said darkly, 'they're too busy angsting and fornicating to worry about new religions.'
Trojie suppressed a shudder, memories of what she'd read in the Words still burnt onto her brain. Soul patted her shoulder in an uncharacteristically sympathetic gesture. 'It can't get any worse than this, Trojie, now can it?'
'No lubricant,' Trojie said in a pained voice.
'True . . .' Soul bit her lower lip thoughtfully. 'We-ell . . . It can't get any worse than that, can it?'
'I don't even want to imagine it if it can.'
'Nor do I,' Soul said vehemently. 'Believe me, my friend, nor do I. Damn,' she added petulantly, 'we missed some of their dialogue. Elrohir's been called away by . . . err, someone . . . and is wandering off now.'
'Damn,' Trojie echoed. 'Well, never mind, I doubt we missed anything earth-shattering. Shall we portal?' she enquired over Elrohir's supremely intelligent parting shot and abrupt disappearance.
"Excuse me .....I must go...." He left. Legolas eyes followed him until he was out of sight, caressing the trunk for the last time to continue his expedition.
‘Who can we talk to about sending this girl to OFUM?’ Trojie asked. ‘She calls herself Celebrian, so there’d be fun times to be had watching what Elrond does to her. And GrammarBootCamp . . . Miss Cam and Miss Dwimordene would have an absolute BALL with this girl.’ She sighed slightly, remembering that she’d been too late to sign up to OFUM for this year. ‘Well, shall we go on then?’
'Wait a moment,' Soul ordered. She and Trojie watched with morbid interest as Legolas' eyes neatly detached themselves from his optic nerves, jumped to the ground and trotted merrily after Elrohir, while his body -- apparently unaffected by being separated from its eyes -- caressed the tree trunk and wandered off. Soul raised an incredulous eyebrow and turned to Trojie. Her partner, however, wasn't looking at her, she was staring at the escapee eyeballs with amazement and joy. 'Soul? Can we keep them? They're kind of cute, in a weird way . . . We could store them in jars, ooh, we could use them to spy on people . . .'
'Trojie, they are a part of a canon. We cannot keep them any more than we can take an oliphaunt for a pet. Apart from which, the very concept of having live, ostensibly still seeing eyes kept in jars in our response centre is quite disturbing.'
'So says the girl with the fangs,' Trojie muttered. Soul smiled and shrugged.
'I'm not the one who put the poster of naked women on the wall,' she shot back
'That is SO not the point of the poster! It's the Pink Floyd back-catalogue! Album covers painted on models' backs! It's CLEVER!'
'I'm just pointing out that perhaps some of us have a strange idea of what constitutes 'normal'. And I do hate to break it to you, but keeping disembodied eyes in jars is not normal. Besides, he needs them back. At least, I hope he gets them back. Legolas with no eyes is a little disconcerting in itself.'
'They're still sort of cute.'
'If you say so.' Soul shook her head; she was certain she would never understand humans. They were, for the most part, nice enough; they were also just plain weird. 'Now shall we portal?' she suggested.
'Sure,' Trojie said, digging the remote activator out of the bottom of her bag. 'Where to?' For a moment, both scanned the Words thoughtfully. 'Ooh . . . let's get up to the Last Homely House,' Trojie said after a pause; 'and fast. There's an elaborated desk in there I'd kill to see.'
'Elaborated--?!' Soul had time to repeat before Trojie hit the button and they portalled to Lord Elrond's study.
**
" You call for us?....."entering the room the twins stood in front a big elaborated wooden desk; very neat but full of papers, books and old documents. Elrond stood up from his chair and walked to the window.
'Why would Elrond, lore-master and lover of books, keep said books in a desk?' asked Soul. Trojie, whose tastes in furniture were eclectic, to say the least, was admiring the elaborated desk.
'Look, Soul, it's got GARGOYLES! And seven legs--'
'I mean, think about it: there are probably some valuable documents there, very valuable, but they're just shoved haphazardly into the drawers and things--'
'--and buttresses, and a wine goblet holder--'
'I mean, documents in a desk is understandable, commendable even; but scrolls? They'll be destroyed! They'll get crushed beyond all recognition!'
Trojie grabbed Soul's elbow. 'He's gonna say something!'
"Yes....I wish for you two to stay at Imladris instead of going to perform your orc hunt of the season, and attend the council." "It is also one of your duties as princes of this land...."
Trojie emitted a sound half-way between a squeal and a gasp. 'What? How dare she? Rivendell isn't a kingdom, Elrond isn't a king, the twins can't be princes! They aren't bloody princes!' She realised that Soul was being worryingly quiet for someone who would simply not stand for any canon errors against Elrond. 'Err . . . Soul?'
'Yessss . . . ?' Soul's voice, fairly low at the best of times, had dropped another octave, and came out as a throaty hiss.
Trojie bit her lower lip. Soul's demoness persona was a reality in the PPC-verse and the fanfic continuums, and that carried with it some interesting occupational hazards for anyone hanging around her. 'Soul, I really don't like it when you hiss your 's's.'
'Sssorry. I am merely frustrated that this fool has attempted to imply that they are princesss...'
'That makes two of us, but, er, could you please not hiss about it?'
Soul blinked. 'My apologiesss . . . er, apologies.' She grinned nervously, and Trojie was suddenly rather glad that she was currently an Elf maiden and therefore didn't have fangs. 'Shall we go on?'
'I think we'd better. Princes! I'm going to torture her for that one!'
'The authoressss?'
'Err . . . if we ever get our hands on her . . .'
'Once your torture is complete, may I kill her?'
'Certainly.' Trojie shuddered. She didn't like killing things herself, but was more than willing to let Soul go at it if she was willing. If it provided an outlet for Soul's inner demon, well, all the better. Trojie was starting to get the feeling Soul's inner unreconstructed demon thingy kind of needed an outlet. She plotted to introduce the demoness to the music of the Clash. Punk might help.
Soul's eyes glazed over happily; she was already devising hellish demonic death-rites to perform on the authoress if they ever got to catch her. She barely even noticed when Trojie grabbed her arm again and dragged her through a temporal/spatial plothole; something that usually produced motion sickness, at the very least. They landed in the library, and from the lamps and the drawn curtains they surmised that it was evening.
Legolas and Elrohir were sitting opposite one another in armchairs before the fire, each cradling a goblet of miruvor, discussing their own and their father's attitudes to, well, life in general -- currently what it took to rule a kingdom -- with the typically bad grammar and sentence structure the PPC agents had by now come to expect of them. Legolas was saying something about Thranduil's views as Trojie and Soul slipped close enough to listen in.
"No...he believes that in order to become a good warrior and king, you only need to be aware of court business and dominate all war skill."
'And do what?' Trojie commented softly, then added thoughtfully, 'That's nasty.' Soul's jaw was set so hard Trojie thought she might break something, and she was actually starting to smoulder a little. Grey wisps of smoke were curling from her arms and back. 'Soul?' Trojie murmured worriedly. 'Er, you might want to stop smoking before you set the place on fire . . .'
Soul grimaced, ignoring Trojie's suggestion -- and indeed the fact that she had spoken at all -- completely. 'Thranduil is not a blind politically-minded over-testosteroned warrior fool!'
'I agree completely, but seriously, stop smouldering. We're in a library, Soul, you're going to set something on fire.'
Soul seemed to snap back to the moment. 'I'm smouldering? Damn. Sorry, Trojie.' With some effort, she managed to stop the smoke curls. 'Am I to assume you would prefer it if I curbed that habit, as well as the hissing?'
'Well, I'm sure Elrond wouldn't thank you for razing his library to the ground.'
'A fair point.' Soul looked thoughtful for a moment. 'Although to be honest, he's so far out of character in this . . . abomination . . . that I am honestly not certain he would either notice or care . . .'
'He would when we exorcised the authoress-shades and canon snapped back to normal,' Trojie pointed out. 'And then you'd have one very annoyed lore-master.'
Soul accepted this with a curt nod. 'Good point, well made. Still . . . can we add throwing Thranduil out of character to the charge list?'
'Already done,' Trojie grinned. Having a partner was fun.
Soul smiled slightly in return, one eyebrow raising slightly. 'Trojie -- is this scene going anywhere?'
Trojie consulted the Words and shook her head. 'No. And there's a very abrupt ending, too -- do you think we can get away with adding that to the charge list somehow?'
Soul cocked her head and fixed her gaze in the middle distance, also checking the Words. 'Hmm . . . perhaps if we call it an unreasonable lack of character development?'
'Sounds good to me,' Trojie agreed. Soul nodded curtly.
'Good. Can we portal out of this, then, or is there anything we need to see?'
'I think we can portal. Now let me see . . .' Trojie thought for a while, scanning the Words while Soul kept an eye on the two canons. 'There's a bit of shooting goes on -- presumably tomorrow, though there's little mention of the intervening time . . .'
'Shooting?' Soul visibly perked up. 'Archery?'
'Yep.'
Soul's eyes, even though they were murky green with her Elven disguise, were glowing with all the ferocity they could when her irises were scarlet. 'Portal to there.'
**
"you should lift a little your right arm...try again..."
Soul closed her eyes, unable to watch. Trojie glanced over, worried. 'Soul? Are you all right? I mean, the grammar's bad, but we've seen worse . . .'
'Fine,' Soul growled. 'Just tell me when it's over.'
'When what's over?'
'The archery. I cannot and will not watch shooting scenes where the authoress has not done adequate research. I am almost beginning to regret my request to portal to here . . .'
Trojie blinked. Soul dared crack an eyelid open.
'Is he supposed to be shooting left-handed or right?' she asked. Trojie shrugged.
'No idea.' Apparently the canon had no idea, either; Elrohir was flickering, alternating: one second holding the bow in his right hand, the next in his left. Soul winced and swore softly in some demonic tongue. 'Does it matter?' Trojie enquired genially.
Soul nodded emphatically. 'Yes, it does matter. If he's shooting left-handed raising his right arm will make the arrow even more off. And Legolas would know that.' She considered for a moment, then shook her head, sighing. 'The authoress should at least have said which hand he's holding the bow in. Might've made this almost bearable.'
'Soul, I doubt anything could make this bearable,' Trojie said, patting her partner's shoulder sympathetically.
'True,' Soul sighed. 'Might I be able to shoot for a bit when they leave the range?'
Trojie bit her lower lip. 'I suppose . . . if I stay with them, and you don't take too long . . . Did you bring the Nemesis?'
'No. I thought Upstairs might think I was intending to kill something. Which I gladly would do at this moment in time, but I don't want to land in much more trouble than I'm in after the singeing of the Queen . . . Still, I can use one of theirs, if I can get my hands on it . . .'
Trojie shrugged. 'Can't hurt, I suppose. Just don't be long, all right? We need to stay with them if we can, at least mostly.'
'As you wish.' Soul's unrelenting formality was marred slightly by her wide grin.
Elrohir took the shoot, which was deviated by his trembling hand. )
"I will never be as good as you at this......" he murmured, turning his face a little to face Legolas.
Both agents' jaws dropped. 'I thought both El-twins were good at archery and swordplay?' Soul murmured.
Trojie shook her head in amazed defeat. 'I don't know. Maybe they aren't as good as Legolas, but they're not that useless. Where'd his arrow go?'
Soul squinted down the range. 'Several inches off the gold . . .'
Trojie shook her head. 'No . . . no, I refuse to believe that. And why is Elrohir trembling like a daisy? Hello, we are dealing with a seasoned warrior here!'
'We were,' Soul corrected. 'Before this authoress got in and messed everything up.'
'True,' Trojie concurred miserably. 'Still don't think he should be trembling like that, mind you . . . oh wait, hang on. Implausible sex coming up. Outdoors. Do I even need to articulate all the nasty things that could go wrong here? Like, for example, unexpected hedgehogs?’ She shook her head despairingly, then turned to the other agent. ‘ Anyway, wanna skip ahead?'
Soul shuddered. 'Most definitely. Implausible sex is not something any reasonably sane person ought to wish to see. . I think I shall forgo the archery this time. Is there a convenient plothole nearby?'
'If there isn't,' Trojie said with a shudder of her own, 'I'll make one.'
**
True to her word, Trojie somehow managed to produce a 'convenient plothole'; unfortunately, she miscalculated slightly and the two agents stumbled out at the other end into a scene of what was unmistakably smut. 'Trojie!' Soul hissed, furious; the hissed 's's returned with a vengeance. 'I sssaid no reasonably ssane person would wish to ssee gratuitous sssex -- and you land us here, with our two dearly beloved sstarsss obviousssly about to--'
Trojie reddened slightly, noting the return of the hissed 's's and realising she should probably apologise, fast. 'Sorry, Soul . . . Believe me, I'm not too pleased with the situation, either. Still--' Ever the optimist, Trojie brightened. 'You never know what we might pick up for the charge list here, as long as we get out before they start . . .'
Soul's lips pursed into a thin line and she scowled, but Trojie barely noticed. Something new and far more interesting (if certainly not less dangerous) than an annoyed demoness had caught her attention.
Cupping Elrohir's face in his hands Legolas kissed him and looked into green puppy eyes. "I love the way you look at me.....I love the way you kiss me , I love the way you touch me....."pulling a braid behind Elrohir´s shoulder. "I love you....I am in love with you Elrohir....."finding his eyes again.
'AAAWW!! It's sweet!!'
'What is?' Soul blinked, distracted from her fury by Trojie's cry. 'Trojie?'
'The green puppy!'
Soul looked around. Sure enough, the awful phrasing of the previous paragraph had done nothing for the colour of Elrohir's eyes, and instead produced a small green puppy. 'What is it?'
'Looks like a Great Dane to me, but a very young one.' Trojie swooped on the puppy and picked it up before the canon could realise it had made a mistake. 'Aww, Soul, seriously, can we keep her?'
Soul shrugged, averting her eyes from the cooing lovers by the window. 'If you like.'
'Yay! Thank you! What are we going to call her?'
'Absssinthe,' Soul said dryly, arching an eyebrow. She was not expecting the joyous shriek this elicited from Trojie.
'That's perfect! Aw, hello, Absinthe!'
**
When the gratuitous sex inevitably began, Soul started humming 'Mars' from the Planets Suite very loudly and reading the Words; when she ran out of Words she started studying the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the universe. Trojie amused herself getting acquainted with Absinthe. A pounding at the door startled them both back to the moment, however, and Soul's eyes widened. 'Tell me this isn't the part where Elrond comes in and . . .' She trailed off. 'Tell me it isn't.'
'It isn't,' Trojie lied through her teeth, standing up and leaning against the wall with Absinthe in her arms, just as Elrond slammed into the room, already furious.
'I had a feeling I wouldn't want to see this,' Soul muttered with a shudder. 'Honestly . . .'
'Shush,' Trojie said softly, petting Absinthe distantly. 'It gets worse.'
"Father....."Elrohir replied scared, jumping out of bed to put some clothe on.
'What's a clothe?' Soul hissed. The canon had not recognised a clothe as any type of clothing, and so Elrohir, poor dear, was still in his previous undressed state. Not that Soul or Trojie particularly minded.
'We didn't think to bring a Polaroid, did we?' Trojie muttered. Soul looked at her scathingly. 'I was JOKING, Soul . . .'
"I want you away from MY SON!!..." he ordered to the prince with commanding voice.
Soul's usual frown deepened to a look of concern. 'Oh, peredhil, what has she done to you?'
'Complete character mutilation?' Trojie offered. Working on a sudden flash of inspiration, she whipped out the CAD and waved it in Elrond's general direction. It immediately started to emit a piercingly loud beep, indicative of a complete character rupture.
'Silence it!' Soul hissed. 'Before they notice!'
'I'm not sure I can! Where's the mute button?!'
'On the left-hand--' Soul didn't get a chance to finish her directions, as at that moment the CAD's whine wound down to a low growl and ended with a 'pfft'. 'Oh, excellent,' Soul said sarcastically. 'It burnt out. Yet another visit to Makes-Things is in order now, and he already hates me for the skutter incident . . .'
'Look, I'll take it back to him. I'd rather you didn't get fired. In fact, I ban you from talking to ANYONE with influence until you learn to be tactful.'
Soul blinked. 'But Trojie--'
'No buts. If you get fired who knows who I'll end up with as a partner. I could even be assigned Sean.'
Soul shrugged; she would never actually admit defeat, but it did as a gesture of acquiescence. 'We ought to stop gossiping, we're missing one hell of a floor show.'
This was certainly true. While both Legolas and Elrohir chorused, 'I LOVE your son, my lord' -- the Words hadn't distinguished who said it, so the ever-obliging canon simply did the best it could -- and Elrond responded with a nicely homophobic tirade, Trojie worked hard to hold Soul back from leaping on the peredhil and trying to physically shake some sense into him, while also keeping Absinthe -- who was one hell of a wriggly puppy -- from falling out of her grip. 'Soul?' she said at last, when she was sure she was going to lose her hold on one or both of them. 'Soul, calm down . . .'
'She -- he -- how dare she -- bloody homophobe -- nothing bloody said against--'
'Soul!'
'--bloody burning hellfires, nothing was ever--'
'Soulshadow!' Trojie released her grip on the demoness' shoulder for long enough to yank her hair, hard. 'Calm down! Everything will return to normal once we get Elrohir and Legolas exorcised! It'll be okay, really!'
Soul stopped her frantic wriggling and became deathly still. Trojie was starting to worry she'd somehow instantly become petrified, when she breathed, 'I'm going to kill her. . .'
'That's better, dear,' Trojie said comfortingly. Soul murderous she could cope with; Soul fighting to get to a horrendously OOC Elrond was something she hadn't had to deal with before, and wasn't too sure she liked.
Soul made no sign that she had heard. She continued her diatribe in a furious, hissing whisper: 'I'm going to hunt this authoresssss down and I'm going to kill her . . . ssslowly . . . painfully . . .'
'Now, now,' Trojie said soothingly. 'We can't kill the authors, Soul, you know that. Although . . .' She grinned at her partner, an evil glint in her eye. 'We can catch her author-wraith and keep it in a jar . . . If we can get hold of the apparatus from the Miller-Urey experiment we can electrocute her at some point . . .'
'And jussst where are we going to find apparatus for the Miller-Urey experiment?' Soul raised an eyebrow, still half-watching the awful scene going on before them in the closest thing any demon could get to abject mortification and despair.
'I'll find it,' Trojie said menacingly. 'When the need arises, I will find it. Even if it means sneaking back to my uni on Earth and stealing it from the bio lab.' She shook her head sadly. 'Terrible. Really terrible. This ought to be criminal. Shall we portal?'
'I think we ought to,' Soul breathed, dangerously quiet. 'I sssseriously thing we ought to.'
'Right.' Trojie agreed wholeheartedly. 'There's not a lot else happening . . . Elrond drags Elrohir off to his study, Elrohir runs crying to Elladan--'
'Twinssssscesst?' Soul hissed, half-hopeful.
Trojie -- not a twin-shipper herself -- gratefully shook her head. 'No. Although there are some pretty damning hints, if you read between the lines . . .' She grinned briefly. 'But no, we're not dealing with twincest. You know, I think the best thing we could do would be to portal to a few hours before they leave--'
'Leave?' Soul cocked her head, apparently having missed that in the Words. Trojie nodded.
'Yep. They trot off to Lórien on some pointless errand for their father -- ooh, we can get them for screwing with the timeline, too, since it supposedly takes them a month or more to get there and back and Legolas is still here when they return.' Trojie wrinkled her nose. 'Which makes no sense whatsoever,' she added thoughtfully. 'Oh well, never mind. Come on, we'll portal forward a few hours and bed down for the night.'
Soul's eyes narrowed slightly with thought. 'For the night?'
Trojie nodded. 'Yep. You wouldn't think it, but we've actually been in here about a day. All the portalling around must've left us disorientated, but I for one am getting tired.'
'Oh.' Soul thought about this. 'Oh well . . . all right, hand me the remote activator and I'll portal; then you sleep, I'll . . . think of something to do . . .'
**
Midnight.
Leaving in the middle of the night Elrohir saw Legolas staring at him from the balcony of his bedroom.
Soul had thought of 'something to do'. She wasn't sure Trojie would approve, or particularly like being woken up less than two hours after she had got to sleep, but little things like that had never stopped her before. Shaking her partner's shoulder firmly, she imparted good-morning pleasantries into her ear in a fierce whisper. 'Rise and shine! Trojie! Trojie, wake up!'
'Wha . . . ?' Trojie sighed. 'Soul, we bedded down for the night an hour and a half ago. I'm an early riser I know, but this is just wrong . . .'
'They're leaving,' Soul said, her eyes shining with excitement. 'In the middle of the night. Which has got to be one of the least safe things they could possibly do, especially considering the small issue of the rise of Sauron and the shadow in the East . . . Come on, let's follow them.'
Trojie, knowing it was useless to argue, got up and smoothed down her clothes. 'All right, fine,' she sighed, picking up the bag. 'Lessgo.'
"It seems that the prince of Mirkwood can not sleep." Elladan marked.
Sighting Elrohir fastened his footsteps to the stables, where their horses were ready to begin the journey to Loth Lórien.
Ignoring -- for now -- the fact that fastening one's footsteps to a stable had to hurt, and that Lothlórien was one word, Soul darted ahead, following the path the horses would most likely take. She wasn't disappointed; a few minutes later two horses, with twin riders, came along the trail. Trojie was a little unnerved by the low growling noise that Soul made deep in her throat as they passed. 'Soul?' she whispered. 'I thought you liked the twins?'
'I do,' Soul whispered back. 'I just thought it might be fun to show them how dangerous travelling at night can be . . .'
Trojie's eyes lit up. 'I see,' she said, and tried a growl of her own. The twins glanced at one another, duly unnerved. Emboldened, Trojie took a deep breath and roared, lion-like.
'Trojie, since when were there lions in Middle Earth?'
'I can't do wolves, ok? Can do cats, lions, sheep, horses and canaries, just not wolves.'
Soul coughed softly to clear her throat, then opened her mouth wide and let off a long, low howl which fluctuated in pitch and intensity for a seemingly interminable time. After half a minute or more of howling and yapping, Trojie poked her partner in the ribs worriedly. 'Soul, it helps to breathe, you know . . .'
Soul glared at her, shaking her head. 'I'm fine. Can you howl?'
'Ok, point taken.'
Soul didn't answer, merely set off following the twins, occasionally howling softly. Trojie walked alongside, growling and joining in the howling as much as she could. The twins were now looking seriously freaked. Soul paused in a volley of impressive sharp barks and grinned. 'Think we're proving the point?'
'Yes, as well as scaring Absinthe shitless.'
'Oh.' Soul paused and looked at the green puppy in Trojie's arms. 'Sorry, Absinthe. Oh well . . . They've probably got the point by now, in any case.' She let loose another long, low howl for effect; Absinthe snuffled and burrowed her head into Trojie's chest. 'That'll do. Want to portal?'
'I was kind of hoping we'd get some sleep, Soul.'
'But if we sleep here, they'll be Elbereth-only-knows-where when we wake up.'
Trojie sighed; it was a fair point. 'All right. Let's portal.'
'I'll do it,' Soul said, mindful of the last time Trojie had portalled them.
**
Unfortunately, Soul had little more success than Trojie, this time around. She completely missed out Galadriel's comforting talk with Elrohir, a piece of spectacularly ripped Lord Alfred Douglas poetry, the twins' return to Imladris and Elrohir's attempt to talk to Legolas, and managed to portal them right back to a bridge over the river in Imladris, where Legolas and Elrohir were talking. Trojie shot her a Look. 'I'm not going to get any sleep till this is over, am I?'
Soul shrugged nonchalantly. 'Perhaps not. Does that bother you?'
Trojie sighed and rolled her eyes. 'It won't have to, will it?' She wondered if she had anything in her bag that had a lot of caffeine in it. A flask of coffee perhaps? She was sure she'd put some coffee in . . .
'Trojie! Stop rootling in your bag and listen to this. We could pick up any number of charges here. This is awful.' Trojie looked up, but to her surprise Soul had vanished after delivering this short rant. Blinking in mild surprise, she returned to her hunt for caffeine, and was rewarded when her Thermos came into view. Coffee! Hurrah! She juggled Absinthe into the crook of her arm and started pouring herself a cup.
Meanwhile Legolas approached Elrohir, complete with stage-direction taglines and utterly messed-up tenses. "I thought you had company" resting next to him on the rail. "I hear you talking"
"Nipredil was here" tried unsuccessfully to locate the dog in the darkness of the night.
'Dog?' Trojie said. 'Another one?'
Soul wasn't listening; she was several metres away in the shadow of the trees on the riverbank, petting what looked like a very large shaggy Warg. Trojie bit back a gasp, almost dropping Absinthe and the lid of her Thermos -- now full of wonderful hot coffee -- in surprise. 'Soul!' she hissed. 'What the hell's that doing here?'
'This beauty is Nipredil,' Soul hissed back. 'They didn't have dogs in Imladris, so I suppose the canon just did the best it could. Since our dogs were bred from wolves, it must have thought its best bet was something like a Warg. Isn't she beautiful?'
'She's a Warg, Soul.' Trojie refrained from adding, 'Step away from the servant-of-darkness dog-thing,' but only just. 'She is quite nice,' the rocker allowed grudgingly. 'But still, Warg.'
'No, she isn't a Warg,' Soul argued. 'The Words say she's a dog; she just looks very Warg-like because Imladris Elves didn't have dogs. And because the few dogs Middle-earth did have -- Farmer Maggot's, for example -- were somewhat fierce.' Soul paused to think about the implications of this, still petting the . . . creature. 'Trojie . . . that means we can keep her.'
'Does it?'
'Yes. She's non-canonical, technically -- to the best of my knowledge, nobody ever said anything about the Imladris Elves having dogs -- so we can kill her or keep her.'
Trojie sighed. 'Absinthe and a Warg-thing. Upstairs are going to murder us.' She shook her head. 'All right, all right, keep her, but that one's your responsibility. If she even attempts to eat Absinthe . . . '
Soul looked positively thrilled. 'She won't, I promise you. She needs a new name, though. I refuse to call her Nipredil. Especially when it should be Niphredil. And I'm not calling her that, either. Snowdrop, indeed. A Warg called Snowdrop. I think not.'
'A Warg called . . . ' Trojie tried to think of a suitable name. 'You could shorten it to Niphred, which is 'fear', I think . . .'
Soul wrinkled her nose. 'Hmm . . . maybe . . .' Her expression clearly said 'or maybe not.'
Trojie wracked her brains for another idea. 'Or perhaps Deimos?'
Soul glanced at her thoughtfully before turning back to the Warg. 'Deimos? Interesting. I like it. The question is . . . ' She addressed the attentive creature. ' . . .do you?' The Warg cocked her head; after a moment, she opened her mouth -- displaying a few too many sharp pointed teeth for Trojie's immediate liking -- and licked Soul's cheek. 'I'm going to take that as affirmative,' the demoness said with a fanged grin of her own.
Trojie nodded sharply. 'All right, Deimos it is. And she's your creature, remember. And for goodness' sake keep her to heel; I don't want her where Absinthe and I can't see her.' She paused and glared meaningfully at the lovers. 'Soul? Here, I think, is where we stop things,' she said. Soul nodded vehemently.
'OI!' Trojie yelled. The canons looked up at the two 'Elves' who materialized in front of them.
Soul held out a hand. 'Book.'
'Check.'
'Gaffer tape.'
'Check.'
'Candles? Bells?'
'You grab the canons. I'll take care of the ambience.' Trojie grinned. Matches fun.
'Which one do you want?'
'Well, since you're the archer, I'll let you take Legolas.'
'Twin-fancier.'
'Oh, save it. You can't tell me you don't wanna give Legolas a ding around the earhole for the archery incident.'
'Correction. I want to give the AUTHOR a 'ding around the earhole' for the archery incident.'
Legolas and Elrohir, still wrapped around each other in a very R rated manner, looked on in amazement as one of the Elves surrounded them with candles, which she proceeded to light with every symptom of glee. This distracted them from the other Elf, who advanced cautiously but speedily, and grabbed each canon by the throat.
'You will NOT attempt to fight back,' she gritted out into their stunned faces. When they displayed a complete lack of struggling she sighed. 'Completely out of character, the pair of them,' she muttered despondently, and began to wrap them in a broad silver tape with a curious sticky backing.
Trojie looked up from the candles. 'When they're back in character they're gonna be scarred for life if you leave them tied up together like *that.*' She looked meaningfully at the pair.
Soul scowled. 'Very well,' she muttered in annoyance, unwinding the gaffer tape and wrenching the two canons apart. 'Hands to yourselves, gentlemen,' she said, and reached for Legolas's wrists. Elrohir took this opportunity to attempt to escape. 'Trojie! He's getting away!'
As the Elf rushed past Trojie swung the bell. 'I bet that bruises,' Soul said as he crumpled. 'We're not supposed to damage them, remember?'
'He'll heal.' Trojie fished a roll of tape and a hardback copy of The Fellowship of the Ring out of the bag and followed Soul's example. Shortly the two canons were trussed up like prize turkeys.
'So, shall we use the traditional chant?'
'What else is there?'
'You're right. We should write something a bit more interesting.'
'Come on, let's get on with it then.'
The two PPC agents waved their books in the canon Elves' faces.
'Get thee gone, o fiend of implausible Slash! You have no more power here! Get thee behind me Angst!' Soul cried. Trojie was a little unnerved to find her voice actually seemed to echo a little, despite the stunning lack of anything for it to echo off.
'The power of Tolkien compels you!' Trojie added in sepulchral tones. 'Get thee behind me PWP!'
'Get thee behind me CTPWAVLBP!'
Trojie looked at Soul. 'Couldn't Touch a Plot With A Very Long Barge Pole,' whispered Soul, sotto voce.
'Ahhh. Ok. A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four . . .'
'THE POWER OF TOLKIEN COMPELS YOU!' they shouted in unison. Slowly, melodramatically, the Author-wraith started to condense above them. Soul leapt for it, and Trojie rummaged frantically in the bag and produced a jar.
'Quick, quick!' Soul stuffed the hissing cloud of . . . stuff . . . into the jar.
'What are these things made of, anyway?'
'No idea. Let's get back, before those two wake up and ask questions.'
A portal was duly opened, and the two agents, the puppy and the Warg tumbled through, complete with jar of Author.
'Has anyone ever actually studied these things before?'
'I have no idea.' Soul, now no longer hissing and homicidal since the exorcism, shrugged. 'Certainly no-one I've ever met has. I don't imagine they would wish to, either . . .'
'What say you to us being the first?'
'An interesting proposition,' Soul said with a slow grin. Since her disguise had dissipated when she stepped through the portal, this was a grin with fangs, but Trojie found herself grinning back nevertheless. 'Shall we get started?'
'In a minute or two.' Trojie was a little disappointed they'd have to wait, but there were Things to be Done. 'First off give me the CAD and I'll take it up to Makes-Things. And while I'm gone, you can get a litter tray in here for the Warg.'
Soul glanced sharply at Trojie. 'A litter tray? She's a Warg, not a house-cat!'
'When was the last time you saw any kind of 'outdoors' for her to take a dump in? At least, an outdoors that wasn't in a continuum. It's litter tray or nothing, Soul -- and you're cleaning it.'
'Oh joy,' Soul muttered dryly, glaring half-heartedly. 'Well, you're cleaning up everything Absinthe comes up with when you're house-training her.'
Trojie smiled beatifically in return and set off with the CAD for Makes-Things' lab, still cradling Absinthe. Soul watched her go curiously, then shook her head and patted the grizzling Warg on the head before setting off to find an industrial-size litter tray, idly wondering if Warg litter was in production or if she would have to settle for kitty litter instead . . .
****************************************
Trojanhorse’s A/N
Whee! I’ve got a partner! The lovely Soulshadow kindly volunteered to keep me company on the Bad Slash watch, and keep me under control. Look, we’ve got a disclaimer and everything!
Anyway, this author was terrible. Really, truly terrible. She had two, count ‘em, two beta readers, and presumably a spell-check on her computer, and yet the errors in this fic were so frequent that it was impossible to pick them all up and comment on them all at once.
The ‘unexpected hedgehogs’ line is of course from the godlike Terry Pratchett’s creation Nanny Ogg.
Oh, and as we’re both biology students, stay tuned for experiments into the nature of Author-wraiths.
Soulshadow's A/N
There's little I can add to that, but may I correct that to painful experiments on Author-wraiths, the aim of which shall be to determine their nature by the most excruciating methods possible. And that is officially the first time I've ever been called 'lovely', so thank you very much, Trojie . . . I'm sure I will enjoy working with someone who can live through me hissing, smoking and adopting a Warg-thing on the very first mission, and still call me lovely. *insert pleasant fanged grin here*
Author: Celebrian
Fandom: LOTR
Sporked by: Trojie and Soulshadow
Rating: M
Notes: Trojie's first cowrite, with her original PPC partner, Soulshadow. This mission is the origin of Absinthe the sniffer dog, as well.
Disclaimer: We do not own the PPC; that’s the property of the (sadly now retired) Agents Jay Thorntree and Acacia Bird, and is under the management of Miss Cam. This fic has been made with her permission.
We do not own Middle Earth either; that’s Tolkien’s. And ‘Forbidden Love’ is the property of ‘Celebrian’, who should really know better. She knows the names of the twins! She knows they go out orc-hunting! She’s obviously read the books, even the Appendices, so why? Why this horror?
If you read this, Celebrian, please take our advice to heart. And remember; the tagline is your friend.
NB: Parts of the original fic are in italics.
'When I was an alien
Cultures weren't opinions . . .'
Air guitar was being perpetrated. The strains of Nirvana played at maximum volume filtered the grey corridors of the PPC. Trojie was leaping around her response centre like an idiot. Grunge can do terrible things to an otherwise reasonably sane person. It is at times like these that narrative comedy just has too many choices . . .
A knock came at the door, and at the same time the console 'bip!'-ed.
Grudgingly Trojie turned the music down and opened the door. A familiar figure stood on the other side -- a familiar figure with long, wavy jet-black hair and red eyes, wearing a PPC Bad Slash Dept uniform carefully, if somewhat . . . creatively . . . adjusted to allow for the small bat-wings which protruded from her back.
'Soulshadow?' Trojie adjusted her own PPC uniform, conscious of the fact that it was probably overdue a dry cleaning, and that her knees were ripped from grovelling under the console in search of lost guitar picks. Realising that while she was dallying over her clothing her friend was standing out in the corridor, she yanked the demoness into the response centre and hugged her. ‘What are you doing here?’
Soul disentangled herself with dignity. 'Upstairs said you needed a partner.'
'I didn't know you'd been recruited!'
'Yes, two or three months back. So far I have been working alone and it has not been fun. Upstairs got tired of my complaining -- especially after I almost barbequed Queen Anne's Lace -- so they said I could work with you.'
'Barbequed . . . ?' Trojie wondered if it might be better not to ask. 'You *barbequed* the Queen. Our Head of Department. Soul, do you have a death wish?'
'Yes, barbequed. Almost barbequed.' Soul smiled, displaying short, sharp fangs. 'I got annoyed with her, and at the same time found out about her aversion to fire. In all honesty I think she would have liked to dismiss me from the PPC there and then, but she couldn't -- I suppose you've heard how awfully short-staffed we are?'
'Oh, believe me, I know about it,' Trojie sighed. 'There're so many down in the LOTR department that I've been put on both musician-fic and LOTR bad slash duty, thanks to the Sunflower Official. Whose jurisdiction I am so not under.'
'How wonderful for you.' Soul's voice had a low, cold and slightly oily quality that had made Trojie a little nervous before she'd got to know her. However, Soul had never attacked anything that didn't deserve it (such as spamwraiths and Mary-Sues -- and apparently now Queen Anne's Lace as well, but she probably deserved it too), as far as Trojie knew, so she put her worries to the back of her mind and concentrated on how much better life was going to be with a partner. What's more, she realized, she had a partner she liked and knew she could get along with. Better not let Upstairs know about that one, she thought with an internal grin. Outwardly though, she grimaced in reply to Soul's flippant comment.
'Oh, yes, wonderful. Now I have to deal with the usual run of rapist orcs and angst-ridden hobbits AS WELL as the members of Zep shagging vast numbers of roadies backstage before playing Madison Square Gardens; and that's no errand for the faint hearted, I can tell you. Did you bring your gear?' This was a not-so-crafty attempt to find out if Soul had brought her bow; ostentatiously named 'The Nemesis', and a weapon of mass destruction in its own right. If the Nemesis had tagged along, then the only safe place to be was directly behind Soul. The words 'trigger happy' come to mind.
Soul nodded curtly and ducked out of the response centre. Trojie heard her yelling something that sounded oddly like, 'Hurry up, you useless metal cretins!' but decided it was probably better not to comment, once again. A moment or two later her questions were answered anyway, when two small metal robots, each one about the size of a football and sporting a long crocodile clip-like arrangement on the end of a rotating arm that protruded from the centre of its metal hemisphere. One was dragging a small suitcase on wheels; the other had been entrusted to the care of the hard case the Nemesis was kept in when she wasn't needed. Trojie couldn't help herself. 'What the hell are they?’
'Skutters.' Soul's grin could be quite scary, thanks to the fangs, but the beam she flashed to Trojie now was nothing less than agreeable. 'I scowled at Makes-Things until he let me borrow them. They come from the Red Dwarf universe . . . useful little things; it's a pity I have to send them back. Right!' she added sharply to the two skutters, who had carefully put down their loads and were now circling one another in some kind of crazy square-dance. 'Be gone, foul shades. Otherwise known as useless metal cretins, underdeveloped microwaves, and everything else I've yelled at you between my old office and here. Go on, shoo, Makes-Things'll think I've kidnapped you.'
The skutters whizzed away down the corridor, looking quite grateful to be released from obligations. Insofar as they could actually look anything, that is.
'Ah, shall we go for it with the latest, then?' Trojie indicated the console, which was still 'bip'-ing relentlessly. 'It'll only get more insistent if we don't go and see to it.'
As if to prove the point, the console emitted a more piercing 'beep'. Soul scowled at it.
'All right. What've we got?'
Trojie scanned the readout. 'Legolas and Elrohir engaging in incredibly painful sex while side-stepping massive plotholes and too many random implausibilities to even begin to consider. Oh, and Elrond is Not Very Nice.'
'What?' Soul growled. Anyone who messed with Elrond (or a handful of others) on her watch was likely to get maimed. 'Right. Let us go forth and exorcise. Do we need disguises?'
'Err . . . I don't always bother, but these are so OOC it's probably a good idea, just in case they can see us. Elves do?'
Soul peered over Trojie's shoulder at the readout. 'Yes, we seem to be mostly in Imladris, though they do go to Lórien for a bit . . . Elves it is.'
Trojie set the disguises quickly while Soul made sure they had the essentials to hand in a bag. 'Aren't you a shapechanger anyway?' Trojie asked conversationally as she did her best to figure out the best place to portal in. She knew Soul from one of their mutual haunts, the Tolkien_Silliness list, and as far as she could understand, the demoness was one of those annoying types who could change her appearance to fit.
'Yes, but the disguises hide us from canons' eyes . . . It doesn't matter who or what I am; I still need to be out of phase and the disguises do that. Besides, I'm not brilliant at hiding the wings: they tend to show no matter what. Do you have the disguises set up yet?'
'Yep.' Trojie nodded her understanding of Soul's explanation and pressed the button to open the portal. 'After you, dear partner.'
'Why, thank you,' Soul said dryly, stepping through into . . . Rivendell forest, apparently. Trojie picked up the bag with the remote activator, Canon Analysis Device, notebook, bell, candles and hardback Lord of the Rings trilogy in and followed suit. After quickly eyeing each other to ensure the disguises were all right (Soul was rather impressed with her new pointed ears), they took a look around. It didn't take them long to find Legolas, standing perfectly still with his head on one side, studying a 'very old' tree with a detached, thoughtful expression. 'He looks somewhat . . . mindless,' Soul noted.
'Yep. Dumb as a post. It's the backlash from the movie 'Captain Obvious' Legolas incarnation,' the dark haired 'elf' snorted and hefted the bag onto her shoulder. Things jangled inside it. Trojie took a quick look at the Words and took the opportunity to add to her previous statement. 'Actually, he's wondering.'
'What about?'
'Your guess is as good as mine. According to the Words, he's wondering through Rivendell forest.'
'That explains precisely nothing.'
'I thought so, too. And that first paragraph was one sentence. ONE SENTENCE. Arrgh, some people should just not be allowed word processors.'
"It was a present" came an as-yet-disembodied voice from not far away.
'Period!' hissed Soul. Trojie raised an eyebrow, which on an Elf is a most impressive expression. 'I'm sorry, but punctuation errors REALLY annoy me.'
'Me too. But get used to them. This fic is rife with the buggers. Spelling errors too.'
The disembodied voice soon attached itself to an owner: Elrohir, who was introduced in the next badly structured, run-on sentence.
Both Legolas and Elrohir looked up at the tree in perfect sync. 'What the . . . ?' Soul began.
Trojie sighed. 'Bloody stage directions. I don't think she uses a single explanatory sentence from here on in. And her taglines are few and far between, as well.'
'What?' Soul frowned, confused, and scanned the Words. 'Oh,' she said softly as realisation dawned. 'Oh, Elbereth. So the canon's trying to allow for every eventuality? They're both going to do everything?'
Trojie, who was quite a lot further on in the Words than Soul, grimaced. 'I really hope not.'
'Ah. Is it that . . . terrible?'
'Yep. Graphic, badly spelled, implausible, and . . . dear Lord! No! Nonononononononono!' Trojie shut her eyes, stuffed her fingers in her ears and began to sing under her breath. 'Been dazed and confused for so long it's not true . . .'
'Troj?'
'Wanted a woman, never bargained for you . . .'
'Trojie?'
'Lots of people talkin'--'
'TROJANHORSE!'
Trojie took her fingers out of her ears and opened her eyes.
'What?'
'Come on. We have a fic to fix.' Soul hesitated. 'Is it really that bad?'
'Yes.' Trojie took a deep breath and whispered 'No lubricant.'
Soul winced, but her only comment was, 'Disturbing,' which Trojie privately thought had to rank pretty high in this century's list of greatest understatements. 'Well . . . as disturbing as that is, we ought to be listening in to Elrohir . . . or whoever he is . . .'
'Whatever,' Trojie corrected darkly.
"I used to hide in it's branches when my father was angry at me...I felt safe up there."
Soul blinked. 'Angry at me'? Is this the correct way of phrasing the sentiment according to the Elven syntax?'
Trojie shook her head in despair. 'I'm pretty sure it's not the correct way of phrasing the sentiment in any syntax. Except possibly American slang. 'Angry with me' I could accept . . .' She sighed deeply. 'It gets worse.'
"Is your father upset at you?" asked Legolas looking at him.
Smiling "No...Thanks Elbereth. No..." looked at him.
'You're welcome, dear!' A voice like tinkly silver bells manifested itself in everyone's head.
Soul turned to Trojie, a small suspicious frown wrinkling her forehead. 'Did you say that?'
'Nope. I thought it was you.'
'Sorry to disappoint. Wait a moment, I'll check the Words.' Quickly, Soul did so, and after a moment's thought had a theory. 'Elbereth must be a very polite deity to say 'you're welcome' when someone thanks her personally . . .'
Trojie grinned. 'Or else she doesn't get a lot of gratitude.'
'Could be.' Soul shrugged. 'You think the canons heard that?'
'I hope not. We don't want them going around starting a new religion or something, based on words from one of their gods . . .'
'From what I have read of the Words and the information you have just imparted to me,' Soul said darkly, 'they're too busy angsting and fornicating to worry about new religions.'
Trojie suppressed a shudder, memories of what she'd read in the Words still burnt onto her brain. Soul patted her shoulder in an uncharacteristically sympathetic gesture. 'It can't get any worse than this, Trojie, now can it?'
'No lubricant,' Trojie said in a pained voice.
'True . . .' Soul bit her lower lip thoughtfully. 'We-ell . . . It can't get any worse than that, can it?'
'I don't even want to imagine it if it can.'
'Nor do I,' Soul said vehemently. 'Believe me, my friend, nor do I. Damn,' she added petulantly, 'we missed some of their dialogue. Elrohir's been called away by . . . err, someone . . . and is wandering off now.'
'Damn,' Trojie echoed. 'Well, never mind, I doubt we missed anything earth-shattering. Shall we portal?' she enquired over Elrohir's supremely intelligent parting shot and abrupt disappearance.
"Excuse me .....I must go...." He left. Legolas eyes followed him until he was out of sight, caressing the trunk for the last time to continue his expedition.
‘Who can we talk to about sending this girl to OFUM?’ Trojie asked. ‘She calls herself Celebrian, so there’d be fun times to be had watching what Elrond does to her. And GrammarBootCamp . . . Miss Cam and Miss Dwimordene would have an absolute BALL with this girl.’ She sighed slightly, remembering that she’d been too late to sign up to OFUM for this year. ‘Well, shall we go on then?’
'Wait a moment,' Soul ordered. She and Trojie watched with morbid interest as Legolas' eyes neatly detached themselves from his optic nerves, jumped to the ground and trotted merrily after Elrohir, while his body -- apparently unaffected by being separated from its eyes -- caressed the tree trunk and wandered off. Soul raised an incredulous eyebrow and turned to Trojie. Her partner, however, wasn't looking at her, she was staring at the escapee eyeballs with amazement and joy. 'Soul? Can we keep them? They're kind of cute, in a weird way . . . We could store them in jars, ooh, we could use them to spy on people . . .'
'Trojie, they are a part of a canon. We cannot keep them any more than we can take an oliphaunt for a pet. Apart from which, the very concept of having live, ostensibly still seeing eyes kept in jars in our response centre is quite disturbing.'
'So says the girl with the fangs,' Trojie muttered. Soul smiled and shrugged.
'I'm not the one who put the poster of naked women on the wall,' she shot back
'That is SO not the point of the poster! It's the Pink Floyd back-catalogue! Album covers painted on models' backs! It's CLEVER!'
'I'm just pointing out that perhaps some of us have a strange idea of what constitutes 'normal'. And I do hate to break it to you, but keeping disembodied eyes in jars is not normal. Besides, he needs them back. At least, I hope he gets them back. Legolas with no eyes is a little disconcerting in itself.'
'They're still sort of cute.'
'If you say so.' Soul shook her head; she was certain she would never understand humans. They were, for the most part, nice enough; they were also just plain weird. 'Now shall we portal?' she suggested.
'Sure,' Trojie said, digging the remote activator out of the bottom of her bag. 'Where to?' For a moment, both scanned the Words thoughtfully. 'Ooh . . . let's get up to the Last Homely House,' Trojie said after a pause; 'and fast. There's an elaborated desk in there I'd kill to see.'
'Elaborated--?!' Soul had time to repeat before Trojie hit the button and they portalled to Lord Elrond's study.
**
" You call for us?....."entering the room the twins stood in front a big elaborated wooden desk; very neat but full of papers, books and old documents. Elrond stood up from his chair and walked to the window.
'Why would Elrond, lore-master and lover of books, keep said books in a desk?' asked Soul. Trojie, whose tastes in furniture were eclectic, to say the least, was admiring the elaborated desk.
'Look, Soul, it's got GARGOYLES! And seven legs--'
'I mean, think about it: there are probably some valuable documents there, very valuable, but they're just shoved haphazardly into the drawers and things--'
'--and buttresses, and a wine goblet holder--'
'I mean, documents in a desk is understandable, commendable even; but scrolls? They'll be destroyed! They'll get crushed beyond all recognition!'
Trojie grabbed Soul's elbow. 'He's gonna say something!'
"Yes....I wish for you two to stay at Imladris instead of going to perform your orc hunt of the season, and attend the council." "It is also one of your duties as princes of this land...."
Trojie emitted a sound half-way between a squeal and a gasp. 'What? How dare she? Rivendell isn't a kingdom, Elrond isn't a king, the twins can't be princes! They aren't bloody princes!' She realised that Soul was being worryingly quiet for someone who would simply not stand for any canon errors against Elrond. 'Err . . . Soul?'
'Yessss . . . ?' Soul's voice, fairly low at the best of times, had dropped another octave, and came out as a throaty hiss.
Trojie bit her lower lip. Soul's demoness persona was a reality in the PPC-verse and the fanfic continuums, and that carried with it some interesting occupational hazards for anyone hanging around her. 'Soul, I really don't like it when you hiss your 's's.'
'Sssorry. I am merely frustrated that this fool has attempted to imply that they are princesss...'
'That makes two of us, but, er, could you please not hiss about it?'
Soul blinked. 'My apologiesss . . . er, apologies.' She grinned nervously, and Trojie was suddenly rather glad that she was currently an Elf maiden and therefore didn't have fangs. 'Shall we go on?'
'I think we'd better. Princes! I'm going to torture her for that one!'
'The authoressss?'
'Err . . . if we ever get our hands on her . . .'
'Once your torture is complete, may I kill her?'
'Certainly.' Trojie shuddered. She didn't like killing things herself, but was more than willing to let Soul go at it if she was willing. If it provided an outlet for Soul's inner demon, well, all the better. Trojie was starting to get the feeling Soul's inner unreconstructed demon thingy kind of needed an outlet. She plotted to introduce the demoness to the music of the Clash. Punk might help.
Soul's eyes glazed over happily; she was already devising hellish demonic death-rites to perform on the authoress if they ever got to catch her. She barely even noticed when Trojie grabbed her arm again and dragged her through a temporal/spatial plothole; something that usually produced motion sickness, at the very least. They landed in the library, and from the lamps and the drawn curtains they surmised that it was evening.
Legolas and Elrohir were sitting opposite one another in armchairs before the fire, each cradling a goblet of miruvor, discussing their own and their father's attitudes to, well, life in general -- currently what it took to rule a kingdom -- with the typically bad grammar and sentence structure the PPC agents had by now come to expect of them. Legolas was saying something about Thranduil's views as Trojie and Soul slipped close enough to listen in.
"No...he believes that in order to become a good warrior and king, you only need to be aware of court business and dominate all war skill."
'And do what?' Trojie commented softly, then added thoughtfully, 'That's nasty.' Soul's jaw was set so hard Trojie thought she might break something, and she was actually starting to smoulder a little. Grey wisps of smoke were curling from her arms and back. 'Soul?' Trojie murmured worriedly. 'Er, you might want to stop smoking before you set the place on fire . . .'
Soul grimaced, ignoring Trojie's suggestion -- and indeed the fact that she had spoken at all -- completely. 'Thranduil is not a blind politically-minded over-testosteroned warrior fool!'
'I agree completely, but seriously, stop smouldering. We're in a library, Soul, you're going to set something on fire.'
Soul seemed to snap back to the moment. 'I'm smouldering? Damn. Sorry, Trojie.' With some effort, she managed to stop the smoke curls. 'Am I to assume you would prefer it if I curbed that habit, as well as the hissing?'
'Well, I'm sure Elrond wouldn't thank you for razing his library to the ground.'
'A fair point.' Soul looked thoughtful for a moment. 'Although to be honest, he's so far out of character in this . . . abomination . . . that I am honestly not certain he would either notice or care . . .'
'He would when we exorcised the authoress-shades and canon snapped back to normal,' Trojie pointed out. 'And then you'd have one very annoyed lore-master.'
Soul accepted this with a curt nod. 'Good point, well made. Still . . . can we add throwing Thranduil out of character to the charge list?'
'Already done,' Trojie grinned. Having a partner was fun.
Soul smiled slightly in return, one eyebrow raising slightly. 'Trojie -- is this scene going anywhere?'
Trojie consulted the Words and shook her head. 'No. And there's a very abrupt ending, too -- do you think we can get away with adding that to the charge list somehow?'
Soul cocked her head and fixed her gaze in the middle distance, also checking the Words. 'Hmm . . . perhaps if we call it an unreasonable lack of character development?'
'Sounds good to me,' Trojie agreed. Soul nodded curtly.
'Good. Can we portal out of this, then, or is there anything we need to see?'
'I think we can portal. Now let me see . . .' Trojie thought for a while, scanning the Words while Soul kept an eye on the two canons. 'There's a bit of shooting goes on -- presumably tomorrow, though there's little mention of the intervening time . . .'
'Shooting?' Soul visibly perked up. 'Archery?'
'Yep.'
Soul's eyes, even though they were murky green with her Elven disguise, were glowing with all the ferocity they could when her irises were scarlet. 'Portal to there.'
**
"you should lift a little your right arm...try again..."
Soul closed her eyes, unable to watch. Trojie glanced over, worried. 'Soul? Are you all right? I mean, the grammar's bad, but we've seen worse . . .'
'Fine,' Soul growled. 'Just tell me when it's over.'
'When what's over?'
'The archery. I cannot and will not watch shooting scenes where the authoress has not done adequate research. I am almost beginning to regret my request to portal to here . . .'
Trojie blinked. Soul dared crack an eyelid open.
'Is he supposed to be shooting left-handed or right?' she asked. Trojie shrugged.
'No idea.' Apparently the canon had no idea, either; Elrohir was flickering, alternating: one second holding the bow in his right hand, the next in his left. Soul winced and swore softly in some demonic tongue. 'Does it matter?' Trojie enquired genially.
Soul nodded emphatically. 'Yes, it does matter. If he's shooting left-handed raising his right arm will make the arrow even more off. And Legolas would know that.' She considered for a moment, then shook her head, sighing. 'The authoress should at least have said which hand he's holding the bow in. Might've made this almost bearable.'
'Soul, I doubt anything could make this bearable,' Trojie said, patting her partner's shoulder sympathetically.
'True,' Soul sighed. 'Might I be able to shoot for a bit when they leave the range?'
Trojie bit her lower lip. 'I suppose . . . if I stay with them, and you don't take too long . . . Did you bring the Nemesis?'
'No. I thought Upstairs might think I was intending to kill something. Which I gladly would do at this moment in time, but I don't want to land in much more trouble than I'm in after the singeing of the Queen . . . Still, I can use one of theirs, if I can get my hands on it . . .'
Trojie shrugged. 'Can't hurt, I suppose. Just don't be long, all right? We need to stay with them if we can, at least mostly.'
'As you wish.' Soul's unrelenting formality was marred slightly by her wide grin.
Elrohir took the shoot, which was deviated by his trembling hand. )
"I will never be as good as you at this......" he murmured, turning his face a little to face Legolas.
Both agents' jaws dropped. 'I thought both El-twins were good at archery and swordplay?' Soul murmured.
Trojie shook her head in amazed defeat. 'I don't know. Maybe they aren't as good as Legolas, but they're not that useless. Where'd his arrow go?'
Soul squinted down the range. 'Several inches off the gold . . .'
Trojie shook her head. 'No . . . no, I refuse to believe that. And why is Elrohir trembling like a daisy? Hello, we are dealing with a seasoned warrior here!'
'We were,' Soul corrected. 'Before this authoress got in and messed everything up.'
'True,' Trojie concurred miserably. 'Still don't think he should be trembling like that, mind you . . . oh wait, hang on. Implausible sex coming up. Outdoors. Do I even need to articulate all the nasty things that could go wrong here? Like, for example, unexpected hedgehogs?’ She shook her head despairingly, then turned to the other agent. ‘ Anyway, wanna skip ahead?'
Soul shuddered. 'Most definitely. Implausible sex is not something any reasonably sane person ought to wish to see. . I think I shall forgo the archery this time. Is there a convenient plothole nearby?'
'If there isn't,' Trojie said with a shudder of her own, 'I'll make one.'
**
True to her word, Trojie somehow managed to produce a 'convenient plothole'; unfortunately, she miscalculated slightly and the two agents stumbled out at the other end into a scene of what was unmistakably smut. 'Trojie!' Soul hissed, furious; the hissed 's's returned with a vengeance. 'I sssaid no reasonably ssane person would wish to ssee gratuitous sssex -- and you land us here, with our two dearly beloved sstarsss obviousssly about to--'
Trojie reddened slightly, noting the return of the hissed 's's and realising she should probably apologise, fast. 'Sorry, Soul . . . Believe me, I'm not too pleased with the situation, either. Still--' Ever the optimist, Trojie brightened. 'You never know what we might pick up for the charge list here, as long as we get out before they start . . .'
Soul's lips pursed into a thin line and she scowled, but Trojie barely noticed. Something new and far more interesting (if certainly not less dangerous) than an annoyed demoness had caught her attention.
Cupping Elrohir's face in his hands Legolas kissed him and looked into green puppy eyes. "I love the way you look at me.....I love the way you kiss me , I love the way you touch me....."pulling a braid behind Elrohir´s shoulder. "I love you....I am in love with you Elrohir....."finding his eyes again.
'AAAWW!! It's sweet!!'
'What is?' Soul blinked, distracted from her fury by Trojie's cry. 'Trojie?'
'The green puppy!'
Soul looked around. Sure enough, the awful phrasing of the previous paragraph had done nothing for the colour of Elrohir's eyes, and instead produced a small green puppy. 'What is it?'
'Looks like a Great Dane to me, but a very young one.' Trojie swooped on the puppy and picked it up before the canon could realise it had made a mistake. 'Aww, Soul, seriously, can we keep her?'
Soul shrugged, averting her eyes from the cooing lovers by the window. 'If you like.'
'Yay! Thank you! What are we going to call her?'
'Absssinthe,' Soul said dryly, arching an eyebrow. She was not expecting the joyous shriek this elicited from Trojie.
'That's perfect! Aw, hello, Absinthe!'
**
When the gratuitous sex inevitably began, Soul started humming 'Mars' from the Planets Suite very loudly and reading the Words; when she ran out of Words she started studying the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the universe. Trojie amused herself getting acquainted with Absinthe. A pounding at the door startled them both back to the moment, however, and Soul's eyes widened. 'Tell me this isn't the part where Elrond comes in and . . .' She trailed off. 'Tell me it isn't.'
'It isn't,' Trojie lied through her teeth, standing up and leaning against the wall with Absinthe in her arms, just as Elrond slammed into the room, already furious.
'I had a feeling I wouldn't want to see this,' Soul muttered with a shudder. 'Honestly . . .'
'Shush,' Trojie said softly, petting Absinthe distantly. 'It gets worse.'
"Father....."Elrohir replied scared, jumping out of bed to put some clothe on.
'What's a clothe?' Soul hissed. The canon had not recognised a clothe as any type of clothing, and so Elrohir, poor dear, was still in his previous undressed state. Not that Soul or Trojie particularly minded.
'We didn't think to bring a Polaroid, did we?' Trojie muttered. Soul looked at her scathingly. 'I was JOKING, Soul . . .'
"I want you away from MY SON!!..." he ordered to the prince with commanding voice.
Soul's usual frown deepened to a look of concern. 'Oh, peredhil, what has she done to you?'
'Complete character mutilation?' Trojie offered. Working on a sudden flash of inspiration, she whipped out the CAD and waved it in Elrond's general direction. It immediately started to emit a piercingly loud beep, indicative of a complete character rupture.
'Silence it!' Soul hissed. 'Before they notice!'
'I'm not sure I can! Where's the mute button?!'
'On the left-hand--' Soul didn't get a chance to finish her directions, as at that moment the CAD's whine wound down to a low growl and ended with a 'pfft'. 'Oh, excellent,' Soul said sarcastically. 'It burnt out. Yet another visit to Makes-Things is in order now, and he already hates me for the skutter incident . . .'
'Look, I'll take it back to him. I'd rather you didn't get fired. In fact, I ban you from talking to ANYONE with influence until you learn to be tactful.'
Soul blinked. 'But Trojie--'
'No buts. If you get fired who knows who I'll end up with as a partner. I could even be assigned Sean.'
Soul shrugged; she would never actually admit defeat, but it did as a gesture of acquiescence. 'We ought to stop gossiping, we're missing one hell of a floor show.'
This was certainly true. While both Legolas and Elrohir chorused, 'I LOVE your son, my lord' -- the Words hadn't distinguished who said it, so the ever-obliging canon simply did the best it could -- and Elrond responded with a nicely homophobic tirade, Trojie worked hard to hold Soul back from leaping on the peredhil and trying to physically shake some sense into him, while also keeping Absinthe -- who was one hell of a wriggly puppy -- from falling out of her grip. 'Soul?' she said at last, when she was sure she was going to lose her hold on one or both of them. 'Soul, calm down . . .'
'She -- he -- how dare she -- bloody homophobe -- nothing bloody said against--'
'Soul!'
'--bloody burning hellfires, nothing was ever--'
'Soulshadow!' Trojie released her grip on the demoness' shoulder for long enough to yank her hair, hard. 'Calm down! Everything will return to normal once we get Elrohir and Legolas exorcised! It'll be okay, really!'
Soul stopped her frantic wriggling and became deathly still. Trojie was starting to worry she'd somehow instantly become petrified, when she breathed, 'I'm going to kill her. . .'
'That's better, dear,' Trojie said comfortingly. Soul murderous she could cope with; Soul fighting to get to a horrendously OOC Elrond was something she hadn't had to deal with before, and wasn't too sure she liked.
Soul made no sign that she had heard. She continued her diatribe in a furious, hissing whisper: 'I'm going to hunt this authoresssss down and I'm going to kill her . . . ssslowly . . . painfully . . .'
'Now, now,' Trojie said soothingly. 'We can't kill the authors, Soul, you know that. Although . . .' She grinned at her partner, an evil glint in her eye. 'We can catch her author-wraith and keep it in a jar . . . If we can get hold of the apparatus from the Miller-Urey experiment we can electrocute her at some point . . .'
'And jussst where are we going to find apparatus for the Miller-Urey experiment?' Soul raised an eyebrow, still half-watching the awful scene going on before them in the closest thing any demon could get to abject mortification and despair.
'I'll find it,' Trojie said menacingly. 'When the need arises, I will find it. Even if it means sneaking back to my uni on Earth and stealing it from the bio lab.' She shook her head sadly. 'Terrible. Really terrible. This ought to be criminal. Shall we portal?'
'I think we ought to,' Soul breathed, dangerously quiet. 'I sssseriously thing we ought to.'
'Right.' Trojie agreed wholeheartedly. 'There's not a lot else happening . . . Elrond drags Elrohir off to his study, Elrohir runs crying to Elladan--'
'Twinssssscesst?' Soul hissed, half-hopeful.
Trojie -- not a twin-shipper herself -- gratefully shook her head. 'No. Although there are some pretty damning hints, if you read between the lines . . .' She grinned briefly. 'But no, we're not dealing with twincest. You know, I think the best thing we could do would be to portal to a few hours before they leave--'
'Leave?' Soul cocked her head, apparently having missed that in the Words. Trojie nodded.
'Yep. They trot off to Lórien on some pointless errand for their father -- ooh, we can get them for screwing with the timeline, too, since it supposedly takes them a month or more to get there and back and Legolas is still here when they return.' Trojie wrinkled her nose. 'Which makes no sense whatsoever,' she added thoughtfully. 'Oh well, never mind. Come on, we'll portal forward a few hours and bed down for the night.'
Soul's eyes narrowed slightly with thought. 'For the night?'
Trojie nodded. 'Yep. You wouldn't think it, but we've actually been in here about a day. All the portalling around must've left us disorientated, but I for one am getting tired.'
'Oh.' Soul thought about this. 'Oh well . . . all right, hand me the remote activator and I'll portal; then you sleep, I'll . . . think of something to do . . .'
**
Midnight.
Leaving in the middle of the night Elrohir saw Legolas staring at him from the balcony of his bedroom.
Soul had thought of 'something to do'. She wasn't sure Trojie would approve, or particularly like being woken up less than two hours after she had got to sleep, but little things like that had never stopped her before. Shaking her partner's shoulder firmly, she imparted good-morning pleasantries into her ear in a fierce whisper. 'Rise and shine! Trojie! Trojie, wake up!'
'Wha . . . ?' Trojie sighed. 'Soul, we bedded down for the night an hour and a half ago. I'm an early riser I know, but this is just wrong . . .'
'They're leaving,' Soul said, her eyes shining with excitement. 'In the middle of the night. Which has got to be one of the least safe things they could possibly do, especially considering the small issue of the rise of Sauron and the shadow in the East . . . Come on, let's follow them.'
Trojie, knowing it was useless to argue, got up and smoothed down her clothes. 'All right, fine,' she sighed, picking up the bag. 'Lessgo.'
"It seems that the prince of Mirkwood can not sleep." Elladan marked.
Sighting Elrohir fastened his footsteps to the stables, where their horses were ready to begin the journey to Loth Lórien.
Ignoring -- for now -- the fact that fastening one's footsteps to a stable had to hurt, and that Lothlórien was one word, Soul darted ahead, following the path the horses would most likely take. She wasn't disappointed; a few minutes later two horses, with twin riders, came along the trail. Trojie was a little unnerved by the low growling noise that Soul made deep in her throat as they passed. 'Soul?' she whispered. 'I thought you liked the twins?'
'I do,' Soul whispered back. 'I just thought it might be fun to show them how dangerous travelling at night can be . . .'
Trojie's eyes lit up. 'I see,' she said, and tried a growl of her own. The twins glanced at one another, duly unnerved. Emboldened, Trojie took a deep breath and roared, lion-like.
'Trojie, since when were there lions in Middle Earth?'
'I can't do wolves, ok? Can do cats, lions, sheep, horses and canaries, just not wolves.'
Soul coughed softly to clear her throat, then opened her mouth wide and let off a long, low howl which fluctuated in pitch and intensity for a seemingly interminable time. After half a minute or more of howling and yapping, Trojie poked her partner in the ribs worriedly. 'Soul, it helps to breathe, you know . . .'
Soul glared at her, shaking her head. 'I'm fine. Can you howl?'
'Ok, point taken.'
Soul didn't answer, merely set off following the twins, occasionally howling softly. Trojie walked alongside, growling and joining in the howling as much as she could. The twins were now looking seriously freaked. Soul paused in a volley of impressive sharp barks and grinned. 'Think we're proving the point?'
'Yes, as well as scaring Absinthe shitless.'
'Oh.' Soul paused and looked at the green puppy in Trojie's arms. 'Sorry, Absinthe. Oh well . . . They've probably got the point by now, in any case.' She let loose another long, low howl for effect; Absinthe snuffled and burrowed her head into Trojie's chest. 'That'll do. Want to portal?'
'I was kind of hoping we'd get some sleep, Soul.'
'But if we sleep here, they'll be Elbereth-only-knows-where when we wake up.'
Trojie sighed; it was a fair point. 'All right. Let's portal.'
'I'll do it,' Soul said, mindful of the last time Trojie had portalled them.
**
Unfortunately, Soul had little more success than Trojie, this time around. She completely missed out Galadriel's comforting talk with Elrohir, a piece of spectacularly ripped Lord Alfred Douglas poetry, the twins' return to Imladris and Elrohir's attempt to talk to Legolas, and managed to portal them right back to a bridge over the river in Imladris, where Legolas and Elrohir were talking. Trojie shot her a Look. 'I'm not going to get any sleep till this is over, am I?'
Soul shrugged nonchalantly. 'Perhaps not. Does that bother you?'
Trojie sighed and rolled her eyes. 'It won't have to, will it?' She wondered if she had anything in her bag that had a lot of caffeine in it. A flask of coffee perhaps? She was sure she'd put some coffee in . . .
'Trojie! Stop rootling in your bag and listen to this. We could pick up any number of charges here. This is awful.' Trojie looked up, but to her surprise Soul had vanished after delivering this short rant. Blinking in mild surprise, she returned to her hunt for caffeine, and was rewarded when her Thermos came into view. Coffee! Hurrah! She juggled Absinthe into the crook of her arm and started pouring herself a cup.
Meanwhile Legolas approached Elrohir, complete with stage-direction taglines and utterly messed-up tenses. "I thought you had company" resting next to him on the rail. "I hear you talking"
"Nipredil was here" tried unsuccessfully to locate the dog in the darkness of the night.
'Dog?' Trojie said. 'Another one?'
Soul wasn't listening; she was several metres away in the shadow of the trees on the riverbank, petting what looked like a very large shaggy Warg. Trojie bit back a gasp, almost dropping Absinthe and the lid of her Thermos -- now full of wonderful hot coffee -- in surprise. 'Soul!' she hissed. 'What the hell's that doing here?'
'This beauty is Nipredil,' Soul hissed back. 'They didn't have dogs in Imladris, so I suppose the canon just did the best it could. Since our dogs were bred from wolves, it must have thought its best bet was something like a Warg. Isn't she beautiful?'
'She's a Warg, Soul.' Trojie refrained from adding, 'Step away from the servant-of-darkness dog-thing,' but only just. 'She is quite nice,' the rocker allowed grudgingly. 'But still, Warg.'
'No, she isn't a Warg,' Soul argued. 'The Words say she's a dog; she just looks very Warg-like because Imladris Elves didn't have dogs. And because the few dogs Middle-earth did have -- Farmer Maggot's, for example -- were somewhat fierce.' Soul paused to think about the implications of this, still petting the . . . creature. 'Trojie . . . that means we can keep her.'
'Does it?'
'Yes. She's non-canonical, technically -- to the best of my knowledge, nobody ever said anything about the Imladris Elves having dogs -- so we can kill her or keep her.'
Trojie sighed. 'Absinthe and a Warg-thing. Upstairs are going to murder us.' She shook her head. 'All right, all right, keep her, but that one's your responsibility. If she even attempts to eat Absinthe . . . '
Soul looked positively thrilled. 'She won't, I promise you. She needs a new name, though. I refuse to call her Nipredil. Especially when it should be Niphredil. And I'm not calling her that, either. Snowdrop, indeed. A Warg called Snowdrop. I think not.'
'A Warg called . . . ' Trojie tried to think of a suitable name. 'You could shorten it to Niphred, which is 'fear', I think . . .'
Soul wrinkled her nose. 'Hmm . . . maybe . . .' Her expression clearly said 'or maybe not.'
Trojie wracked her brains for another idea. 'Or perhaps Deimos?'
Soul glanced at her thoughtfully before turning back to the Warg. 'Deimos? Interesting. I like it. The question is . . . ' She addressed the attentive creature. ' . . .do you?' The Warg cocked her head; after a moment, she opened her mouth -- displaying a few too many sharp pointed teeth for Trojie's immediate liking -- and licked Soul's cheek. 'I'm going to take that as affirmative,' the demoness said with a fanged grin of her own.
Trojie nodded sharply. 'All right, Deimos it is. And she's your creature, remember. And for goodness' sake keep her to heel; I don't want her where Absinthe and I can't see her.' She paused and glared meaningfully at the lovers. 'Soul? Here, I think, is where we stop things,' she said. Soul nodded vehemently.
'OI!' Trojie yelled. The canons looked up at the two 'Elves' who materialized in front of them.
Soul held out a hand. 'Book.'
'Check.'
'Gaffer tape.'
'Check.'
'Candles? Bells?'
'You grab the canons. I'll take care of the ambience.' Trojie grinned. Matches fun.
'Which one do you want?'
'Well, since you're the archer, I'll let you take Legolas.'
'Twin-fancier.'
'Oh, save it. You can't tell me you don't wanna give Legolas a ding around the earhole for the archery incident.'
'Correction. I want to give the AUTHOR a 'ding around the earhole' for the archery incident.'
Legolas and Elrohir, still wrapped around each other in a very R rated manner, looked on in amazement as one of the Elves surrounded them with candles, which she proceeded to light with every symptom of glee. This distracted them from the other Elf, who advanced cautiously but speedily, and grabbed each canon by the throat.
'You will NOT attempt to fight back,' she gritted out into their stunned faces. When they displayed a complete lack of struggling she sighed. 'Completely out of character, the pair of them,' she muttered despondently, and began to wrap them in a broad silver tape with a curious sticky backing.
Trojie looked up from the candles. 'When they're back in character they're gonna be scarred for life if you leave them tied up together like *that.*' She looked meaningfully at the pair.
Soul scowled. 'Very well,' she muttered in annoyance, unwinding the gaffer tape and wrenching the two canons apart. 'Hands to yourselves, gentlemen,' she said, and reached for Legolas's wrists. Elrohir took this opportunity to attempt to escape. 'Trojie! He's getting away!'
As the Elf rushed past Trojie swung the bell. 'I bet that bruises,' Soul said as he crumpled. 'We're not supposed to damage them, remember?'
'He'll heal.' Trojie fished a roll of tape and a hardback copy of The Fellowship of the Ring out of the bag and followed Soul's example. Shortly the two canons were trussed up like prize turkeys.
'So, shall we use the traditional chant?'
'What else is there?'
'You're right. We should write something a bit more interesting.'
'Come on, let's get on with it then.'
The two PPC agents waved their books in the canon Elves' faces.
'Get thee gone, o fiend of implausible Slash! You have no more power here! Get thee behind me Angst!' Soul cried. Trojie was a little unnerved to find her voice actually seemed to echo a little, despite the stunning lack of anything for it to echo off.
'The power of Tolkien compels you!' Trojie added in sepulchral tones. 'Get thee behind me PWP!'
'Get thee behind me CTPWAVLBP!'
Trojie looked at Soul. 'Couldn't Touch a Plot With A Very Long Barge Pole,' whispered Soul, sotto voce.
'Ahhh. Ok. A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four . . .'
'THE POWER OF TOLKIEN COMPELS YOU!' they shouted in unison. Slowly, melodramatically, the Author-wraith started to condense above them. Soul leapt for it, and Trojie rummaged frantically in the bag and produced a jar.
'Quick, quick!' Soul stuffed the hissing cloud of . . . stuff . . . into the jar.
'What are these things made of, anyway?'
'No idea. Let's get back, before those two wake up and ask questions.'
A portal was duly opened, and the two agents, the puppy and the Warg tumbled through, complete with jar of Author.
'Has anyone ever actually studied these things before?'
'I have no idea.' Soul, now no longer hissing and homicidal since the exorcism, shrugged. 'Certainly no-one I've ever met has. I don't imagine they would wish to, either . . .'
'What say you to us being the first?'
'An interesting proposition,' Soul said with a slow grin. Since her disguise had dissipated when she stepped through the portal, this was a grin with fangs, but Trojie found herself grinning back nevertheless. 'Shall we get started?'
'In a minute or two.' Trojie was a little disappointed they'd have to wait, but there were Things to be Done. 'First off give me the CAD and I'll take it up to Makes-Things. And while I'm gone, you can get a litter tray in here for the Warg.'
Soul glanced sharply at Trojie. 'A litter tray? She's a Warg, not a house-cat!'
'When was the last time you saw any kind of 'outdoors' for her to take a dump in? At least, an outdoors that wasn't in a continuum. It's litter tray or nothing, Soul -- and you're cleaning it.'
'Oh joy,' Soul muttered dryly, glaring half-heartedly. 'Well, you're cleaning up everything Absinthe comes up with when you're house-training her.'
Trojie smiled beatifically in return and set off with the CAD for Makes-Things' lab, still cradling Absinthe. Soul watched her go curiously, then shook her head and patted the grizzling Warg on the head before setting off to find an industrial-size litter tray, idly wondering if Warg litter was in production or if she would have to settle for kitty litter instead . . .
****************************************
Trojanhorse’s A/N
Whee! I’ve got a partner! The lovely Soulshadow kindly volunteered to keep me company on the Bad Slash watch, and keep me under control. Look, we’ve got a disclaimer and everything!
Anyway, this author was terrible. Really, truly terrible. She had two, count ‘em, two beta readers, and presumably a spell-check on her computer, and yet the errors in this fic were so frequent that it was impossible to pick them all up and comment on them all at once.
The ‘unexpected hedgehogs’ line is of course from the godlike Terry Pratchett’s creation Nanny Ogg.
Oh, and as we’re both biology students, stay tuned for experiments into the nature of Author-wraiths.
Soulshadow's A/N
There's little I can add to that, but may I correct that to painful experiments on Author-wraiths, the aim of which shall be to determine their nature by the most excruciating methods possible. And that is officially the first time I've ever been called 'lovely', so thank you very much, Trojie . . . I'm sure I will enjoy working with someone who can live through me hissing, smoking and adopting a Warg-thing on the very first mission, and still call me lovely. *insert pleasant fanged grin here*
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no subject
Date: 2009-02-12 08:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-12 08:29 am (UTC)(on a serious note though, I've written about Absinthe for so many years now that if I ever DO get the Great Dane of my dreams, she *will* be named Absinthe, and anyone who gives me funny looks can just go and boil their heads :D)
no subject
Date: 2009-02-12 08:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-12 08:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-12 08:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-12 08:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-12 08:39 am (UTC)