Mission: The White Witches deal

[rc45]

Title: The White Witches deal
Author: dudeguy
Obligatory linkage: http://books.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600093602
Rating: Adult++
Sporked by: agenttrojie and tea_fiend
Sporkage rating: R
Summary: Magical gender reassignment and a difficult kill result in divine intervention ... sort of. The Lace's punishment of her two freelance agents for their poor mission procedure starts ramping up.
Thanks to ansela_jonla for betaing.




January 2009 HST


'That hurt,' said Agent Trojie, rubbing her shoulder. 'I landed on the Bag.'

'Well, did you want to be ripped to pieces by the Coitus Interruptus Mob?'

'No. But have you ever landed on an infinite Bag of Holding containing a porcelain kitchen sink?'

'No?'

'I don't advise trying. Anyway, what number punishment is this? I'm losing track.'

'Number four. This one and one more to go.'

'Only forty per cent left, then,' said Trojie, after some painful-looking facial contortions that usually indicated her wrestling with mental arithmetic. She grinned as they stepped into the grey mist preceding the author's note.

'Yes, but Aslan,' her partner reminded her.

'I do wish you'd stop saying that.'

The booming Vox Dei of the author's note interrupted them. Both agents shuddered.

so this is my first story... and for your information this story has a girl grow a dick so if you don't like that then leave... you see the backspace button just press it nice and easy... this also contains incest so if you don't like that then you still have time to leave...

'This does not bode well,' Trojie said, uncovering her ears.

'Agreed. Incest and genderbending?'

'It's going to be Susan and Lucy, isn't it?'

'I expect so,' Pads conceded, 'but I really can't work out why either of them would have a penis.'

Before Trojie had chance to speculate, the fic began, and Aslan's How swirled into being around them. Lucy Pevensie was eyeing the two pillars that had previously held the white witch.

'Still not boding at all well,' Trojie said, but at that Lucy turned and ran out of the room. 'Do we follow her?'

Pads let her eyes unfocus for a moment, then scowled. 'Yes,' she said grimly. 'She needs to be stopped.'

They found Lucy in a quiet room where none of the others to find her, engaged in conversation with, of all people, the White Witch.

"All i want is for you to free me... then I'll give you what you want... the ability to fuck your sister..."

The agents blinked, unable to find words.

"How did you know that i wanted that..." Lucy whispered silently.

'...I - we're going to have to watch this, aren't we?' Trojie asked faintly.

Pads resorted to mathematics in an attempt to distract herself. 'But she's a child! By Lewis's canon she's... ten? Wasn't Edmund meant to be ten in the last one? And there's two years between them so, Christ on a bike, no, she'll be nine...'

'Yes,' Trojie said in a strangled sort of voice, 'but didn't you decide Lewis had worse maths than Rowling? I'm fairly sure I saw some very detailed charts in your locker that handily managed to age Edmund up to nearly sixteen by Dawn Treader.'

'That's as may be, but there's no way she's even thirteen in Prince Caspian.'

'Which begs the question,' Trojie said, her voice sounding a little stronger now that she had some Logic to grapple with, 'why would a prepubescent girl be willing to join the dark side in exchange for a penis with which to violate her own sister?'

'Why do you insist on asking questions that have no answers?'

'I live in hope that one day I'll get an answer.'

Lucy then proceeded to do so not even flinching when she cut her hand.

'I think a nine-year-old girl might flinch a bit when cutting herself,' said Pads. 'After all, it does hurt, you know.'

'Oh Glod,' said Trojie suddenly.

'Are you reading the Words? That's my job.'

'Oh Glod...'

'How bad can it be?'

Trojie nodded towards Lucy: "I want a dick a man's dick that is fully working, i also want to have pheromones that I can control the pheromones will make the person I want horny beyond belief, i also want super strength and a sexier body as well as the ability to hide my dick do that to me and i won't call the guards."

'How does a nine-year-old girl know about fully working men's genitalia, pheromones, the word 'horny'...'

'Can you please stop asking questions?'

Suddenly the time was 'hours later' and Lucy was with her 'Sister'.

'Why is there a nun?'

'I think that's Susan,' said Pads.

'Since when was she a nun?'

'She's not. Look, the world's readjusting itself now that its realised it's a mistake.' And indeed, Susan's habit and wimple had been replaced by more suitable horse-riding attire. Although nothing the universe could do would make it make sense that they were both on the same horse.

And at that point it all started to get more insane.

Lucy did a quick check then knocked them both off the horse they had been riding. While they rolled down the hill Lucy activated her pheromones on her sister and brought her dick out of hiding.

'Um.'

'Don't bother,' said Trojie.

Susan, thanks to the interference of magical hormones, suddenly became incredibly aroused. Lucy's bizarre new appendage was apparently eight inches long.

'She did specifically request a man's penis,' Pads reminded her partner before she could start to complain about things like scale.

"I'm going to make you a woman!"

'Are we talking a level of surgery hitherto unknown in Narnia?' Trojie asked hopefully.

'Nope,' Pads sighed, sitting down and leaning against a tree. 'Just terrible euphemisms. You might as well get comfortable.'

'A nine year old hermaphrodite is orally manipulating her own sister's genitalia not ten feet away from me, and you think I can be comfortable?' Trojie asked incredulously, but she sat nonetheless.

'What surprises me is that Susan's not at all fazed by this,' Pads said, rolling a cigarette and eyeing the canons.

'It's not every day you realise your little sister has a penis,' Trojie said, nodding.

'I meant the incest bit, actually, but that's a good point too. We could write it down?'

'I think this charge list's going to be seared into my brain forever anyway,' Trojie decided, her lip curling in distaste as Susan began fellating her own sister.

'I think an important question for us to be pondering right now,' said Pads evenly, observing the contorted girls in front of her with nothing more than mild distaste on her face, 'is why they couldn't just have had lesbian sex.'

'This is indeed a puzzling question,' said Trojie, who was drawing what appeared to be an anatomical diagram on the chargelist. 'As is how exactly this penis was plumbed in. There are considerable bloodflow issues here, although they can be solved if we can find out whether or not Lucy still has a clitoris.'

'Bagsy not me doing that inspection.'

Trojie shifted slightly to try and get a better view. 'I can't be sure,' she said after a few seconds. 'Susan's in the way.'

'Why does it matter, exactly?'

'Because the penis and the clitoris are homologous structures - you can have one or the other but not both. You can have a penis and a vagina at the same time, and some hermaphrodites do, but you can't have a penis and a clitoris at the same time. So if the author doesn't know this and has given Lucy both ... we have a circulatory system that needs a lot of extra vessels. But if she's just changed one for the other then that's okay.'

'It's okay?'

Trojie flapped a hand. 'It's better than it could have been, at least. Although I'd be quite intrigued to find out whether or not Lucy has functioning ovaries as well as testicles.'

'Well, and I'll accept that Susan probably doesn't know, and it could be heat of the moment pillow talk that she 'wants Lucy's baby', but it appears that the testicles are indeed all present and correct. And producing.'

They watched in silence for a while. Pads rolled another cigarette.

'Lucy's got quite good stamina for a first-timer,' she said at last, as Lucy gave her sister her fifth orgasm without following suit. 'And, oh, Glod, do they all have to cycle through all available orifices as if there's a checklist?'

'Because the author almost certainly has a checklist, yes, yes they do,' said Trojie. 'Be scientific, it's easier. Help me work out how the hell we're going to get Lucy's genitalia back to normal. We can't take her back to Doc Fitz - we're not allowed to go back to HQ, remember?'

'Well, I could always try,' said Pads, producing her wand and twirling it. 'I'm sure it'll come flooding back.'

'Gender-reassignment spells will come flooding back,' said Trojie disbelievingly.

'Well, it's been a while, I admit, but we did used to muck around with them quite a bit...'

'Will Potterverse magic even work here?'

'The canon is stretched enough, and it's a magical world anyway ... I'm prepared to give it a try,' said Pads. 'Unless you want to actually get in there and remodel her with, y'know, scalpels and things.'

'I'd rather not.'

'Excellent.'

'You know,' said Pads, regarding Lucy. 'If we could only find a use for sperm, we could be making a mint. All we'd need is a few bottles. Everyone in fandom seems so keen on splashing the stuff around liberally.'

'It's a pity it has no known uses except in impregnating people. Although we could run a bloody lucrative sperm bank. Do you have any idea what pedigree bull sperm sells for?'

'Quite a bit, I'm guessing.'

'Yep. So how much do you think we could charge for, say, Elf sperm?'

'Don't tempt me, woman. I think running an illicit sperm bank operation behind the Lace's back would probably get us in a lot of trouble. And we don't need more half-Elves running around the multiverse. Particularly not half-Elves whose mothers are PPC agents.'

'If we get fired, though, at least we've got a retirement plan.'

'Look, just get on with the exorcism. I think they're done.'

'Fine.'

Pads prepared to do the bludgeoning, with a copy of the Prince Caspian DVD. 'I'm not going to use the book,' she said to Trojie as she advanced upon the characters. 'It might get irreparably soggy thanks to all this semen, and this is plainly movieverse.'

'Point,' said Trojie, adjusting her grip on the bell. 'All right, let's do this.' She took a deep breath and barrelled towards the two girls currently snuggling in a pool of semen.

'Watch out for the-' cried Pads as she finished smacking Lucy with the DVD. 'Too late.'

Trojie skidded through the puddle and fell over the two girls. The bell didn't stop ringing, however, and although it was slightly muffled as she attempted to extricate herself, Trojie proceeded to exorcise. 'In the name of LEWIS I bid the slashwraith leave! Avaunt, anatomical inaccuracies! Avaunt, PWP! Avaunt, dub-con! I banish incest! By the powers vested in me by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, Department of Bad Slash, and in the name of Clive Staples LEWIS, AVAUNT!'

The wraith grudgingly began to form out of the characters. It whined piteously at the agents.

review love it hate it tell me...

'Hate it,' Trojie told it in no uncertain terms. 'Now begone, foul shade!' She rang her bell once more, and the wraith was blown away by the breeze. She looked down at the canons, both of whom were mercifully unconscious. 'Are you going to do your thing then?' she asked Pads.

The Animagus advanced, wand in hand.

'Did you have a plan for this part?' Trojie asked, seeing her partner hesitate.

'Of course,' said Pads. 'Reducio!'

This reduced the offending organ to a certain extent, but not enough. 'Um. Envaginate!'

'You made that one up.'

'No, honest to Glod, it used to work!'

'In your AU?'

'Yes.'

'Which was a bit ... farfetched.'

'What's your point?'

'Perhaps canonical spells might be better?'

'Never!'

Sixteen failed AU-worthy spells later, and Pads had a bright idea. 'Finite Incantatum!' she cried. This had the useful effect of undoing every single thing she'd managed to do with the previous eighteen spells.

'This is proving to be an issue,' she said pensively.

'I'll get the scalpels,' said Trojie wearily. She put the Bag on the ground and started to burrow. Through the fabric she heard a muffled 'Reparo!' and there was a flash of light. Hurriedly she tried to back out of the Bag.

'What have you done?' she asked, breathless and dragging a large velvet roll similar to that used by mechanics to store their spanners. 'What have you done?'

'Fixed it,' said Pads proudly, waving her wand at the now wholly female canon characters. 'Aren't you proud of me?'

'Reparo works for genitals?'

'Apparently so. Isn't magic a wonderful thing?' Trojie nodded. 'Grab the neuralyser then,' Pads added, twirling her wand before pocketing it, 'and let's get out of here.'

'There's one slight problem with that,' Trojie said, rummaging in the Bag for sunglasses and throwing a pair to her partner. 'Remember how she got the inaccurate bits in the first place?'

'Oh, bugger. What the hell are we going to do about the Witch?'

'Depends. Is she really the White Witch?'

Pads cocked her head, listening. 'I can't hear any screams or explosions or other cheerful sound effects that generally accompany taking over the world, can you?'

'Replacement then. That makes things slightly easier. I suppose we'd better find her then.'

'No problem,' Pads said, and went to dog.

'Hang on, Old Yeller, I've got to neuralyse these two first.' Trojie picked up the pair of sunglasses from where they'd been dropped as Pads transformed, and jammed them on the unfortunate dog's face. 'Better. Now.'

FLASH

'Lucy Pevensie, you have no interest in screwing your sister, or growing a penis. In fact, you are sweet and innocent and know nothing of sex. Susan, ditto. Excellent.'

Trojie stumped off over the hillside, following Pads, who was scenting for the Witch, and grumbled most of the way. After a moment, the Animagus caught a smell on the breeze, and bounded off energetically in the direction of the How.

When Trojie finally caught up, Pads was human again. 'She's still in there,' the agent said. 'Come on.'

Through the twisting corridors they went, Pads leading, until they came to the same small and unidentified room in which Lucy had made her bizarre request and resurrected the Witch.

The Agents faced the Witch. She wasn't aware they were there yet, which was just as well, because Trojie suddenly turned to her partner and said, panic riding on her voice, 'Um, how do we kill a Witch?'

'We- what?'

'She's a Witch, Pads! A Narnian Witch!'

'This ... is a good point. I don't suppose you feel strong enough in your faith to call Aslan?'

'Hardly.'

'Well, just try really hard, okay?' Pads said, and gulped. She fished out her wand again, and leapt in front of the Witch. 'Expelliarmus!'

Behind her, Trojie had backed up against the wall, and was muttering under her breath. 'Oh Glod, oh Glod, we're going to die...'

'Silence, fool!' the Witch bellowed. Behind her, unnoticed, there was a small pop. Trojie did her best to peer round without being spotted.

There appeared to be a dwarf behind the Witch. He wore a round helmet and a large beard, but there the similarity to Narnian dwarfs ended. He was also, she couldn't help noticing, toting a very large horn.

The Witch must have seen Trojie's expression, and half-turned at the same time as Pads's Disarming Charm hit her.

'Quick, quick, hit her!' said Pads frantically. The dwarf looked from the Agent to the Witch, shrugged, and smacked the latter with his horn.

'What on Disc am I doing here?' he then asked, looking distinctly disgruntled. 'One minute I'm in the Drum, the next minute I'm in some cave!'

'Are you Glod Glodsson?' asked Trojie timidly, fishing for her portal device. 'I'm awfully sorry you got-'

The Witch groaned.

Pads hurriedly cast Sectumsempra, and it was over, except for a certain amount of oozing. She quickly transfigured the corpse into a rather less sticky rock, and sat down on it. Then she turned to the dwarf.

'Are you really... the Glod Glodsson?'

The dwarf preened, inasmuch as a dwarf can.

'Truly, the power of faith is awe-inspiring,' Trojie whispered, dropping to her knees and assuming a worshipful pose.

'This is all very flattering, but I had enough of groupies when I toured with Bertie the Balladeer,' said Glod, starting to look mildly alarmed. 'So if you could send me back?'

'Oh, of course,' said Trojie, whipping out the portal generator. 'The Drum, was it?'

A blue glowing doorway appeared. A throwing-axe spun out of it and embedded itself into the wall of the undefined room. Glod hopped through.

'Thank you!' called Pads after him.

'That was lucky,' said Trojie. 'But I hope we don't get in trouble for opening a portal to the Disc...'

'Look, we got it done, didn't we? Come on, last one and then we can go home.'

'Yes, and I can wash the semen out of my uniform.'

'Chance'd be a fine thing.'




Continued in Part Five: How to Remember the Signs
Part One: The two boys
Part Two: Wedding Night
Part Three: Mirror Mirror

Comments

[lady-rilwen.livejournal.com]

Yeuch.

...Pheromones? That is not human. *sics Cavan on the writer* Because the Zeltron is rather proud of his species' pheromones, and would not like them given to a nine-year-old supposedly human badfic hermaphrodite.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Cavan is welcome to kill the author.

[ms-duck.livejournal.com]

Well then... yeeeah...

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Pretty much

[sedri.livejournal.com]

*laughs madly* I don't know WHY this one struck me as so funny, but... BWAHAHA! *squeaks* That was FUNNY. At least the opening.

'why would a prepubescent girl be willing to join the dark side in exchange for a penis with which to violate her own sister?
...I was going to say "hormones", then caught myself. *throws up hands* No idea.

Also, not sure if movieverse Susan wouldn't know anything about sex, considering what a flirt she is... but then, it's all about hope, isn't it?

NEXT!

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

It did have its moments, I agree.

We can hope, can't we?

[sedri.livejournal.com]

Depends if you're a Susan/Caspian fan or not. I don't really mind either way, but I know it's not canonical.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

True.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

OH GLOD. The power of faith is truly a mighty thing. *dies of laughter*

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

We couldn't resist. The only thing we could think of to get rid of the White Witch was something with godlike powers. The only godlike being either of them have any kind of real faith in is Glod, by accident. Plus, calling on Aslan has been done to death in Narnia sporkings. We wanted to be original :)

[chelonianmobile.livejournal.com]

Ew. Just ew. That is all.

Ubercool sporking, though. The bit where they try to repair the morphing ... bwahahaha.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) Yes, it was very, very ew. And inexplicable.

Fortunately, the gross and inexplicable ones often provide very good bits to riff on *trying to find silver linings*

[chelonianmobile.livejournal.com]

I'm just wondering, though; technically this isn't genderbending, because Lucy's just a girl with a minor addition now.

And how does a nine-year-old in the 1940s/50s(?) know the word "pheromones" at all? And why is that bothering me when compared against all the WTFness in the rest of it?

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Because by now you're used to WTF and have realised that there's just no point asking, whereas you can legitimately ask the question about pheromones. Guaranteed you won't get an answer, let alone one that makes sense, but at least it's a *new* question to ask.

[manx-n-shadow.livejournal.com]

...*falls over, just...dead*

This...well, firstly, I have no words, and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to say them because I am laughing so bloody hard.

WOW. I actually wrote that as OWW first time around. Which works. Or maybe EWW. That works too. *shudder*

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Well, we like to turn disgust into humour. So huzzah that we're doing it right :D

[hsavinien.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm just going to start this out with "What. The. HELL." She...she wants to be a Falleen with a retractable penis.

'Lucy's got quite good stamina for a first-timer,' she said at last, as Lucy gave her sister her fifth orgasm without following suit. 'And, oh, Glod, do they all have to cycle through all available orifices as if there's a checklist?' ...*whimper*
Immediately following that thought up with, the heck? It's not THAT easy to get a girl off, especially if you don't have much practice.

Illicit sperm bank operation, ohgods... *giggle* You could make a frickin' MINT.

Definitely a replacement, yeah.

Yay, Glod!

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

We were trying not to think too much about the retractable bit.

It's really not, no.

I know! There so much profit in this idea!

Glod totally saved our arses.

Movieverse?

[hawk-pelt.livejournal.com]

Which movieverse are you referring to? I had to ask because there are technically two different Narnia movieverses: the old one, and the new one. if I had to guess, I would probably say the new one, but I would like to know.

Re: Movieverse?

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

The new one :) The old Narnia movieverse practically used the books as *scripts* (I remember sitting down with the old Voyage of the Dawn Treader film and the book at the age of ten and being delighted to find that there was essentially very little difference between the dialogue in the film and the dialogue in the book), and only the new movieverse does the Jadis-in-a-block-of-ice.

Plus, most vapid fangirls haven't heard of the old movieverse. I'm not sure if that's a pity or not ...