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[personal profile] rc45
Title: of hot tubs and weevils
Author: punksbitch
Obligatory Linkage: http://tv.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600094490
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: R
Sporkers' notes: See Jack and Ianto. See Jack and Ianto run away from weevils. See Jack and Ianto stop to have sex in a hot tub. No, we don't really want to either. Contains no spoilers for Children of Earth, so don't worry. Betaed by [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla. Warning: contains gratuitous manlove and Science.



March 2009 HST

'My mind may never be the same again,' Agent Trojanhorse complained, her voice somewhat muffled by the pillow she was currently burying her face in.

'There, there,' her partner soothed, distracted by the minis. Edmond and Elebereth were engrossed in round seventy three of their ongoing competition to see who could set Madam Pomphrey on fire. The mini-Aragog was doing its best to avoid the entire situation, and had secreted itself under the depths of the console. The Nameless Cat watched from atop the bunk beds. Pads, perched in her chair, was idly wondering where the fire extinguisher had got to.

'Do you think you can actually get steel wool for your brain?' Trojie continued.

'It'd probably hurt.' Pads frowned, thinking. 'And you might get, you know, gack dribbling out your nose for a while afterwards.'

'It'd be worth it.'

'You realise Upstairs probably did it on purpose?' Pads pointed out. 'I mean, do you really want to sneak into the Disc again after seeing Carcer doing that to Teatime?'

'Point,' Trojie said, and rolled over.

'Anyway, look on the bright side. If you could cope with that, you can cope with anything.'

Trojie snorted. 'Famous last words.' Then she shifted onto her side to peer suspiciously at the console. 'That's weird.'

'What?'

'It didn't beep.'

'Maybe the Ironic Overpower's on holiday?'

'That or just taking a deep breath before throwing something really awful at -'

BEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Pads shot Trojie a poisonous look. 'If this is noncon, I'm never speaking to you again,' she said, leaning over and hitting the print button. 'And before you say anything, I don't need to speak to get in your knickers.'

Trojie looked like she might protest at that, but then thought better of it, and shrugged. 'So what have we got?'

'Torchwood,' the Animagus announced. 'This should be fun.'

'Isn't that the one with the Coat?'

'Yeah.'

'And the gratuitous manlove?'

'Yeah.'

'And the really distracting pterodactyl?'

'Ye- What?'

'Someone showed me a clip of it once,' Trojie said. She sat up with a sigh, and slithered off the bunk. 'There was a CGI pteranodon, which was quite pretty, but then someone called it a dinosaur. I, er, got a bit mad. Apparently there were two blokes snogging behind it, but I didn't notice.' She had the grace to look mildly sheepish.

'So all you know of Torchwood is that it has a pterodactyl and an excellent coat. Brilliant.'

'Let's get on with it, then,' Trojie said, and conjured a portal. Pausing only to thwap the minis on the nose with the rolled-up printout, she headed through, closely followed by her partner. On the other side, surrounded by murky greyness, Pads whipped out a notebook as they waited for the author's note to start.

this is just a short oneshot that i wrote because i made a little jack and ianto sim family and they were in the hot tub and a plot bunny was born and latched on tightly! hope you enjoy!

'This does not bode well,' the veteran agent commented.

'Charging for it,' her partner reassured her, scribbling incomprehensible notes. A moment later, a Welsh street coalesced into being around them. Running footsteps could be heard. 'That'll be our canons.'

Ianto and Jack pelted down the street, nearly colliding with the Agents in the process.

"Aren't we supposed to be chasing them?" Ianto Jones panted

Trojie squinted at the Words as they gave chase. 'Hang on, weevils are small beetles that eat flour and such. Why are two fully grown human males running from them? Is it a plague?'

'Um. No. They're sort of, um. Aliens.'

'Aliens. That live in flour and eat people.'

'This is Torchwood,' Pads reminded her. 'Although these ones actually live in sewers.'

'Don't tell me they live off excrement?'

'Alright then,' Pads said, cutting off that xenobiology rant before it could even get started. 'Look, they're trespassing!'

The canons had nipped through a gate into someone's garden, and it had started to rain heavily. The agents shivered. 'Is this normal weather, or a charge?' Trojie wanted to know.

'It's Wales,' said Pads, hunching her shoulders against the monsoon-like conditions. 'Just be thankful there aren't any sheep.'

Trojie peered at the Words, squinted at the canons, one of whom was apparently flirting, and the other attempting respectfully to tell him off. She sniffed.

'I am thankful,' she said. 'Sexual tension ratcheted up so high by Author influence that you can smell it. That's no atmosphere for an innocent sheep to be in.'

Pads gave her a sideways look. 'That'd be Jack's fifty first century pheromones you're smelling,' she said, deciding against educating Trojie about the butt of many British jokes for the time being. 'They're so good they'll turn you.'

'Turn you?' Trojie echoed, frowning. 'What, as in gay?'

'Yeah.' Pads chewed her lip thoughtfully. 'To be honest it is a bit of a cliché, but then, there is a rumour going round that Uncle Rusty was actually spawned in the Pit...'

'Who?'

'Never mind. Just watch the incompetent flirting for charges, there's a love.'

'Well, there's apostrophe abuse for a start,' said Trojie, fishing in her Bag for something. She passed a small syringe of the kind normally used for sampling liquids to Pads. 'Hold on to that for a moment for me, would you?' She next turned up a bottle with a rubber valve on the neck.

'What are we doing?' Pads asked interestedly as Trojie took the syringe back.

'Sampling these pheromones,' said Trojie with a determined note in her voice. 'Okay, how easily distracted is this Jack character? Because 'we're running for our lives, ooh, hot tub!' would be a charge for most characters.'

'He's had a lot of practice. It'd probably give him distracting ideas, but he wouldn't act on them and leave a load of weevils running about. He's got wossnames.'

'Priorities?'

'Yeah, those things,' Pads said. 'Are you just planning to jump him or something?' she added, eyeing the syringe.

'I'm waiting for the opportune moment,' Trojie assured her, and turned back to the canons with the steely glint of Science in her eye.

"You find EVERYTHING sexy, Jack. You even found that two headed, purple skinned alien with tentacles, sexy."

'Would it be normal for Ianto to call Jack 'sexy'?' asked Trojie. 'And I fail to see why it's relevant that Jack found a two-headed, purple-skinned alien with tentacles. Surely they were discussing the sexiness of things?'

'What I think you have there, dear, is a comma-induced misunderstanding,' said Pads. 'Ianto thinks Jack found the alien sexy.'

'... Well? People find all kinds of things sexy.'

'Like guitars?'

'Like asphyxiation.'

'Hey! How about like practically skeletal men with long hair?'

'Or beards?'

'Or, getting back on topic,' said Pads, coughing, 'like hot tubs, apparently.'

'Apparently. But I was under the impression that prolonged immersion in hot water can sap male performance,' said Trojie pensively.

'Best get your special notebook out then,' Pads decided. 'If anything can stunt the sexual performance of Captain Jack Harkness, it really ought to be documented and studied. In the name of Science, obviously.' She coughed. 'What? Don't give me that look, I didn't create him. Blame the Moff.'

'Is that another alien?'

'No, dear, it's one of the writers.'

'Right.' Trojie tapped her syringe thoughtfully. 'Are they going to be doing any shagging soon?'

"Well, we can't leave here just yet because of the weevils, we're all alone and we have a hot tub ready for use..." Jack left the rest of his sentance unspoken, eyeing Ianto's rain soaked form lustfully.

'I would say yes, based on that,' said Pads.

'But this Ianto is resisting,' said Trojie, laminated 'special' notebook open and ready to record scientific observations. 'Don't tell me this is non-con?'

'Not a bit of it. Jack's just going to be persuasive.'

They watched for a while, until Jack tipped Ianto into the hot tub fully clothed.

'You call that persuasive?' asked Trojie over Ianto's spluttering about the ruin of his suit.

'No, I call that persuasive,' said Pads, indicating where Jack was removing said suit.

'And I call that misuse of parentheses,' added Trojie, 'And a stupid sounding nickname, unless 'Yan' is canonical?' The expression on the veteran's face suggested that if it was she was going to have something to say about it.

'No,' Pads said, grinding her teeth. 'It's a charge and a half. And even if anyone did shorten his name, it'd be spelt Ian, not Yan. For Glod's sake, have none of these fanbrats any idea about how the letter I actually sounds? It's a perfectly acceptable substitute for a Y, dammit.'

Trojie put a restraining hand on her partner's shoulder. 'You're not going to have a moment, are you?'

'No,' Pads said, breathing heavily and then patting her pockets. 'Just find me a smoke and I might be alright.' She glared malevolently at the possessed Jack while Trojie fished around in the Bag.

As much as he hated to admit it, Jack was right. All of the small garden could be seen easily from the window but the hot tub had a lattice style fencing round it which would make it very difficult for anyone to see through, especially in the dark.

'And that's another charge.' Pads inhaled deeply, and sent out a stream of smoke, which was immediately squashed by the rain. 'This is Wales. Who the hell has a hot tub, outdoors, in Wales?'

'Who the hell leaves their hot tub on at night, and uncovered in a rainstorm?' asked Trojie. 'Multiple charges for implausibility, methinks.'

'Roger that, boss.'

Abruptly, the fic took a turn for the worse.

Turning his attention to Ianto's trousers and shoes instead, Jack let his lover release all his anger. "I'll lend you my coat, don't worry. Just relax Yan, you get stressed far too much for someone of your age. You should be worrying about when the next party is or if the cute girl next door is single, not about whether aliens are attacking or if the world is ending."

That was it. That was what made Ianto's anger disappear as quickly as if it had never been there. The tone in Jack's voice, the one that was guilt, resignation and weariness all in one.


'Oh, for the love of -' said Trojie angrily. 'What a fantastic idea. Turn from the sublimely ridiculous to the sublimely angsty in the space of one line break.'

'Nothing about this is sublime,' Pads growled. 'Jack would not be telling Ianto he should be going out and getting his end away with random women! And as for him not supposed to be worried about aliens - he works for Torchwood! If he's not watching out for aliens he's not doing his job, and then people die!'

'Pads! Calm down,' Trojie hissed, elbowing her hard. 'They'll hear.'

'But he's wangsting, Trojie,' Pads said, sniffling. 'He's wangsting when he should be having some gratuitous mansex.'

'You almost sound like you think this -' Trojie's sweeping gesture took in the scene, the rain, the hot tub, the naked man, the horrible, brain breaking mischaracterisation - 'is a good idea.'

'It's canon slash. Of course it's a good idea.'

'It may be a canonical pairing, but this -' Trojie waved her hand again - 'would not be found in a Torchwood episode. I mean, I've not seen Torchwood, but I'm extrapolating from the fact that I'm pretty sure that most of the BBC are not complete thundering loonies!'

'Now who's being loud?' asked Pads with a sniff. And then 'Oh shit.'

'What?'

Pads tried to retreat into non-existent undergrowth. 'Jack. Resistant to the canon cloaking Agents. I, er, think he may have heard us.'

Jack had paused mid-snog, and was peering suspiciously in their direction. Ianto made as if to speak, but was silenced by a hand. The agents tried not to breathe, and shuffled silently back into the shadow of the fence, the light from the house glinting off Trojie's syringe and Pads's flashpatch, worn as usual on her collar. Jack's expression changed to a frown for a moment, and he appeared to be thinking. Then he turned back to Ianto, shaking his head slightly, and resumed kissing him.

'What the -?' Trojie mouthed. Pads just shrugged, and they watched a while in silence.

'Okay so here's a question I've never had to ask before,' Trojie lied. 'Do we actually let them shag before we exorcise?'

Pads shrugged, not taking her eyes from the scene. 'They're a canonical couple, and there's more language-abuse charges during the sex scene. I say let them have at it, it's not like they're not shagging wildly during the series, after all.'

'You just want to watch.'

'Of course,' Pads said primly. 'All we get on-screen is tantalising hints and upper body nudity. Finally I get to see the real thing. Did we bring popcorn?'

'No we did not!' said Trojie, ignoring the fact that such was probably to be found somewhere in the uncharted depths of the Bag. 'And it's not actually our job to watch people have sex, you know.'

'It's not?' Pads looked honestly bemused. 'Then why have we spent the past year doing nothing but?'

Trojie tried a different tactic. 'Alright, what about that thing just now?'

'You mean that thing Jack just did with his hips?'

'No!' Trojie caught herself, and continued in a lower voice. 'You said Jack's resistant to our cloaking technology; fine. But he saw us. Why didn't he come out?'

Pads was silent a moment. When Trojie opened her mouth to continue, the Animagus interrupted. 'He might be fighting it off. He might have already fought it off.'

'And if he has, and Ianto hasn't...'

'Okay! You might have a point there.' The agents turned as one to look at the hot tub. Jack had stood up, and was looking at them with some exasperation. 'Not every day you get to have sex in a hot tub round here. I thought what the hell. But the dub-con?' The canon shook his head. 'Not really my thing.'

'Which is nice to hear,' said Trojie. 'Given how much dub-con and non-con is gumming up the works in our console these days-'

However it couldn't all be polite conversations and tea and crumpets in hot tubs in the middle of the Welsh night, because by now the possessed Ianto was showing his confusion. And his author-driven desire to be ravished in the water by Jack.

'Okay,' Pads said, frowning. 'Maybe there is something to be said for leaving it to the imagination.'

'Cover yourself up, man!' Trojie added.

'Jack? What the hell is going on? Who are these people?'

'They're friends. Just trust them.' And Jack pulled the possessed Ianto towards him, a reassuring hand on his arm. Fortunately for all concerned, the wraith's grip on the canon was strong enough that he chose to trust Jack utterly, despite being naked in a stranger's hot tub in the middle of a rainy night and on full view to two strange women clad in black - one of whom was eyeing his wedding vegetables with a disturbingly calculating look - and he stood, meek, nude and soggy, and waited.

'Can we get on with it?' Jack prompted. 'This is a little undignified, you know.'

'And cold,' Ianto added.

'And weirdly distracting,' Pads put in.

'Avaunt!' Trojie screeched, having had enough of her partner's leering. 'Avaunt, all ye spirits of Authorial depravity! I banish abuse of the English language, abuse of hot tubs, and abuse of Welsh weather! I abdure thee to no longer take canonical relationships and use them as an excuse for badly-written manlove! I also banish thin excuses for porn. In the name of - Christ, Pads, who?'

'Uncle Rusty and the Moff.'

'... really? Oh well.' Trojie took a deep breath and once more upped the volume. 'In the name of Uncle Rusty and the improbably named Moff, whatever that is, I banish thee from this continuum!'

A solitary tendril of wraith drifted from Jack's mouth, and was immediately washed away by the rain. Ianto looked a little more impressive. The wraith was leaving him, but slowly, and not without a fight. He coughed and spluttered - and the lumps of Author-wraith splatting into the hot tub made a sound neither agent would forget in a hurry - as Jack held him.

'Do something!' the canon demanded. 'Don't you people normally hit us with something?'

'We haven't got any canon sources,' Pads admitted. 'To be honest, you're probably the closest thing we've got to one. And it would be in character...'

Jack gave her a look. So did Trojie. 'Just what are you suggesting?' the latter asked.

'It worked when he got killed by the Cyberwoman,' Pads pointed out.

'This better work,' said Jack, looking with some trepidation at the struggling wraith. Then he leant forward, and kissed the ailing canon. Who coughed, dropped to his knees, and retched. 'Well, that's never happened before,' Jack complained, looking somewhat put out.

'You've probably never had to snog a wraith out of someone either.'

'Well, now that you mention it -'

'Ahem!' Trojie said, sidling forwards, neuralyser in one hand, syringe hidden behind her back in the other. 'If you'd both care to look this way, gentlemen?'

She held out the neuralyser and pushed the button.

FLASH

'Quick, Pads, hold this,' she said, tossing the instrument at her partner and advancing on Jack with the syringe.

'You're not going to -?' asked Pads dubiously, looking at the size of the nozzle.

'Of course not, you pillock, this isn't an injecting tool, it's a bit like a turkey baster. Only more technical,' said Trojie, apparently filling the thing with air from around Jack's body, concentrating on a few key areas, and then emptying it into the rubber-necked bottle. 'Okay, done.' And just as well, as the two canons were starting to become less dazed.

'Get your kit on, you two, you've been chasing Weevils,' said Pads briskly.

'Where?' asked Ianto, dragging his soaked suit trousers back on with a look of disgust on his face.

'They went that way,' said Trojie, pointing down the street. 'Don't let them get away!'

Pads raised an eyebrow. Trojie mouthed 'Isn't that what you're supposed to say?' at her as they shooed the canons off in the right direction.

'It worked,' Pads conceded. 'So long as they don't get et. I'm just a bit worried about why Ianto seemed to think it was perfectly normal to be naked outside in the middle of the night.'

'Well, this is Torchwood,' Trojie told her, squirrelling both bottle and jar away in the Bag. 'I'm told all sorts goes on round here. And you did say those two are at it like rabbits.'

'Even so.' Pads conjured a portal, and motioned towards it. 'There are limits, you know.'

'Well, we shall soon found out,' Trojie said, patting the Bag and its recently acquired specimen. 'Hang on a tick.' And she fished out another bottle, and peered into the hot tub. 'Have you ever seen a wraith like this before?'

'Please, Glod, tell me you're not taking that back,' Pads prayed, but she hunted in the Bag until she found some rubber gloves anyway, and passed them over.

'It's in the name of Science!' Trojie said brightly.

'You know,' Pads said, chivvying her through the portal, 'I'm beginning to suspect you're just using that as an excuse.'

'An excuse for what?'

'That's the part I haven't worked out yet. And it's worrying in the extreme.'
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