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[personal profile] rc45
Original Fic: Bottled Feelings
Author: Ms.Ginny Snape
Obligatory Linkage: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4418348/1/
Rating: M
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rating: M
Summary: Hermione saves Luna from the unwanted attentions of Draco Malfoy. Then Hermione and Luna decide to have it away. That's actually a complete summary. There are no other details to be told. This episode comes with a full chorus of minis, some furniture rearrangement, and an ultimatum from Pads. Cheers to [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla for beta.

January 2009 HST

'Guitar picks, guitar picks,' muttered Agent Trojie, crawling around on the floor of her RC and resolutely ignoring the thick layer of general detritus, dust, glitter, feathers, human and animal hair that had accumulated over her six-odd years HST of occupancy. 'I'm sure I had some. Aha!' There was a plasticky glint under the Console, so she headed in that direction.

Out of the depths, however, something eight-legged and hairy launched itself at her.


'Wassat?' asked Pads, sleepily, from the chair in which she'd been reclining.

Trojie, with the arachnoid firmly clinging to her chest, put both hands on her hips and regarded her partner. 'Why,' she asked, 'is there a mini-Aragog under our Console?'

'Hmm? You been adopting more animals?' asked Pads, still semi-comatose. 'S'not fair. I've got ... territory issues. Stop it.'

'I didn't adopt it, you muppet! It was just there.'

At this point, there was a knock at the door. Trojie, with the mini still clutching the front of her uniform, went to answer it.

All Pads heard of the conversation was Trojie's side:

'Oh, he's adorable! Of course we can!'

The Animagus began to have a certain premonition about what vision would greet her when she opened her eyes. And sure enough, when the door closed and she peeled her eyelids apart, there stood her partner. With a sheepish look on her face. And surrounded by not just a mini-Chimera, not just a mini-Chimera and a mini-Aragog, but a mini-Chimera, a mini-Aragog, and a mini-Dragon in a school uniform. 'His name's Edmond,' said Trojie weakly.

'This,' said Pads, 'is the last straw. No more. I beg of you.' Absinthe crept around to stand by her mistress. The Nameless Cat, apparently anxious to mark its territory in front of the two new members of the menagerie, leapt up onto Pads' lap and started kneading her thighs. 'And where are they going to sleep?'


'Because they're not having beds on the floor. We only have limited floor space in this bloody room.'


Pads eyed her partner, currently festooned with animals and looking bizarrely like St. Francis of Assisi, shrewdly. 'I have a solution,' she said. 'They can have my bunk, and I'll bunk with you.'

Trojie, about to refuse, suddenly stopped. And thought. It'd been oddly cold in the RC lately, and Pads in dog form (and all of the other animals, actually) had taken to sleeping in Trojie's bed anyway. And saying yes would mean the end of this particular row.

'Okay,' she said, shaking Apple off her head and attempting to dislodge the mini-Aragog from its perch as well. 'What is your name, little arachnid?' she mused as she did so.

'Madam Pomphrey,' said the mini, managing to hiss a complete lack of sibilants. Trojie did a double-take, and then grinned.

'I forgot that mini-Aragogs could talk. How'd you get here, anyway?'

'Small agent dropped me here,' said Madam Pomphrey. 'He seemed to be in a hurry.'

'Oh yeah,' Pads said, eyeing the mini. 'Me and Oscar found you, didn't we?'

'And you just left it here?' Trojie asked with a raised eyebrow.

'I sort of forgot, actually.' Pads looked almost contrite. 'I was giving birth at the time, if you recall.'

'Vividly. How is Spencer, anyway?'

'Good,' Pads said, stretching. 'I was going to go and see him, actually. This milking thing's a bitch-'


Pads slumped, and then reached for the nursing pads as Trojie headed for the console. 'How bad?' the Animagus asked, fumbling in the region of her chest.

'Uh, quite bad,' said Trojie, shrugging. 'Not very bad, though, as things go. Just a bit of a wtf, is all.'


'Potterverse, Hermione/Luna, hurt/comfort,' rattled off the veteran, resolutely not paying attention to Pads' adjustment of her bosom. 'Mercifully short, completely inexplicable, lots of Pronoun Problem leading to some quite spectacular contortions ... and an author who's blatantly thirteen. Or possibly a troll.' Trojie squinted at the screen. 'It's hard to tell. Are you done fiddling with your plumbing?'

'Unless you fancy lending a hand, yes. Shall we then?'

'After you,' Trojie said, opening a portal. They stepped through, Pads still prodding at her own chest with a slight frown.


'Lack of comma, lack of spelling. This does not bode well,' Pads muttered. 'Hand me the OED?'

As Trojie disappeared within the depths of the Bag, Pads looked around. They were in the library at Hogwarts, and Draco Malfoy was in the process of ripping Luna Lovegood's clothes off. Presumably he'd never heard of buttons, and hadn't yet mastered any stripping spells.

'So much for the Slytherin Slut idea,' Pads commented, as Trojie re-emerged from the depths, rather dusty and brandishing the dictionary.

'I thought that was Blaise Zabini, Genderbending Wonder Boy?'

Pads snorted. 'To be fair to the fandom, JKR didn't reveal he was a boy until the last book,' she said. 'You can't blame them for trying. And I was referring to the theory that Slytherin House was just a vast swinging orgy backstage. I think this lack of knowledge of something so simple as a stripping spell helps disprove that theory.'

'Stripping spell?'

'They're quite easy, actually. It's a variation on Tarantallegra hybridised with Tergeo. Speedy removal of the clothing being considered a bit more important than the coordination of the dancing. Actually...' Pads' eyes gleamed, and she started groping in her pockets.

'You leave that wand where it is, missy,' said Trojie. 'I dance about as well as I fly. And if you make me do a striptease against my will I will definitely take you to the Lace and complain. Come on. Mission time.'

Luna sniffed and looked up at Hermione and she did something Hermione didn't expect.
She kissed her.

'Yes, because that's exactly what I'd do if I were the victim of an attempted rape,' said Trojie grumpily.

'It could be worse. At least Malfoy ran away.'

'Yes, but I can deal with Magical Healing Cock. Magical Healing Vagina is a new one.'

'There aren't any.'

'What, no vaginas?' Trojie asked, her gaze falling on the canons, who were engaged in a particularly sloppy-looking snog.

'You'll see. Although I can't promise you'll like it.'

'Of course I won't.' Trojie sniffed. 'It's femslash.'

'Femslash is beneath you now?'

'It's not exactly my area of expertise, as well you know.'

'Which is why I've been volunteering to increase your knowledge for months.'

'How many times do I have to tell you? I don't need my knowledge of badslash increased!'

'How about your knowledge of goodslash?'

'Shut up and pay attention,' Trojie growled, shifting uncomfortably.

Hermione broke away and said, “Lets take this to my Dorm, no body’s there since it’s near Owl’s.

'I don't recall a character called Owl, especially one so repulsive that no-one would want to be near their dorm...' Pads said facetiously. Then Hermione 'posed'.


'When did this become Playboy?'

'I ... have no idea,' said Trojie, looking on in horror as Hermione, no doubt being sensitive to Luna's fragile almost-violated mental state, asked if she wanted to 'go all the way or just make out'.

Luna, however, had no problems with her mental state and decided that 'ALL the way' was a good idea. Most fortuitously, Hermione kept a 'vibrater' under the bed. The agents raised eyebrows in unison.

'Since when did Hermione invest in sex toys?'

'Since when did anything with batteries work in Hogwarts?'

'Maybe she's learned a vibrating charm?'

'Don't be silly,' Pads scoffed. 'This is Hermione we're talking about. And anyway there's no such thing as a vibrating charm. What would be the point?'

'Well, for this, presumably.' Trojie waved a hand vaguely at the scene before them.

'Pshaw. Why bother making other things vibrate when you've got a wand? Orgasmicus Maxima is all you need.'

'...You have got to be kidding me.'

'Only one way to find out,' Pads said, with a lascivious grin and a wink.

Trojie decided to resolutely ignore this. 'What on earth does 'they both had D-cup' mean?'

'Diva cups?'

'I don't want to know, do I?'

'Let's just say that if they do have those in, then shoving other things up there might be difficult and messy.'

'... oh. Oh. Those things. Yes.' Trojie squinted at the two girls currently getting hot and bothered on Hermione's bed. She tilted her head slightly, and then turned back to her partner. 'On second thoughts, I think she's talking about bra-sizes. Although why two girls, one described as plain and the other as skinny, would be melon-breasted and yet not have this even subtly mentioned in canon, I do not know.'

'If Hermione had knockers from here to next week, I rather think Ron would have noticed her a bit sooner.'

The canons were undressed now, and sex proceeded to happen. Of a sort, anyway. Pads leaned in to watch closely, while Trojie averted her gaze.

'If it's Luna's turn first, why is Hermione using that thing on herself? And why is Luna moaning?'

'Perhaps she's making a statement about the inherent unfairness of the world?' Trojie said, still staring resolutely at the wall.

'You can look, you know. Hermione's about to insert the vibrator into her own clitoris.'

'She's what?!' Trojie yelped, whipping around and glaring.

'I thought that might get you. The anatomical inaccuracy.' Pads grinned. 'Gosh, look at how red your face is.'

'Where. Is. My. Bell?' said Trojie, fishing in her pockets. Pads wondered vaguely why she bothered to ask - eight pounds of brass and a wooden handle were blatantly distorting the left-hand pocket of Trojie's battered uniform jacket and the veteran had a tendency to jingle as she walked, as the muffler had been lost long ago.

'AVAUNT!' screeched Trojie, flailing with the bell and striding into the bedroom. She grabbed the semi-naked Hermione by the scruff of her neck and shook her like a rat. 'In the name of canon, I abjure the slash demons to depart this place! In the name of REALISM, in the name of SPELLING, in the name of LOGIC I banish thee!'

Pads lit a cigarette to stand in for the traditional candle, and beaned Luna a googly one on the head with her OED before proceeding to do the same with the supine Hermione, who wasn't even tokenly resisting Trojie's whirling her around.

'I call upon CHARACTERISATION! In the name of ROWLING I banish thee, slashthor, and do charge thee to return to whence you came! Avaunt! AVAUNT!'

The wraith wasn't a strong one, and it relinquished its claim on the canons with little resistance. Pads whipped out her wand and pointed it menacingly at them as Trojie fumbled for the neuralyser, lest either witch take it open herself to protest their current circumstances.

'Ladies,' Trojie said, passing a pair of sunglasses to her partner and sticking her own atop her glasses, 'if you'd care to look this way?'

They did. They were about as capable of independent thought as a pair of stunned chickens.

'They're practically replacements,' Pads hissed to her partner. 'It's only by the grace of lack of description that they aren't.'

'I know,' Trojie hissed back, and pushed the button.


'Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood,' began Trojie, as Pads handed the two girls back their clothes. 'You were both involved in a snowball fight with Harry, Ron, and the two Patils, and got soaked. You came in here to change. Neither of you is inclined to lesbianism. Thank you.' She took off her sunglasses, and let the two stunned girls get changed. 'Oh, Pads, grab that 'vibrater', will you?' she added. 'We can't leave it here, and I was looking for a birthday present for Lux.'

Pads did so, giving Trojie a sideways look. 'Of course you were. Oh, and a snowball fight? In May?'

'Magical snowballs?' Trojie suggested, chivvying her partner back through the portal to their RC. 'And what else would you give Lux? At least I know she'll like this gift, unlike the book I gave her last year.'


There was a knock at the door. Pads slumped into her chair and inspected her leaking anatomy morosely while Trojie went to open it. 'I'll have to go to the Nursery ASAP,' the Animagus said. 'I think my tits are about to explode.'

There was a distinct smell of burning as Trojie answered the door, and a voice from beyond the threshold said 'Hello, I'm from the Mini-Balrog Adoption Agency.'

Pads groaned and attempted to sink into the cushions on her chair as the stranger continued.

'I'm pleased to inform you that you are now the proud owners of the mini-Balrog Elebereth.'

'We're what?' asked Trojie, taken aback.

'You are Trojanhorse and Paddlebrains?' asked the stranger, consulting some paperwork.

'Agents Trojanhorse and Paddlebrains,' Trojie corrected.

'Quite. Anyway, your names are clearly down here as Elebereth's adopters. Here she is.' The door closed again.

'I swear it wasn't me this time,' said Trojie. 'But perhaps it's not such a bad thing I never got round to removing the fireproofing? What are you doing?'

Pads paused in the midst of taking out her wand. 'Making your bed bigger,' she said.

'And why does my bed need to be bigger?'

'So we can both fit in it, thus freeing up my bunk for the menagerie. Or they can have yours, and you can sleep with me, if you like. In the sleep sense, not the sex sense,' Pads added, flourishing her wand at the bed. 'And now I'm off to the Nursery. If I come back and you're not a fully-fledged volunteer at the Cute Animal Friend Adoption Agency, then you can find yourself a new partner.' With that, she stalked out of the RC, leaking slightly. Four assorted minis, a cat, a dog, and one somewhat bemused agent watched her go.

Date: 2009-01-26 12:39 am (UTC)
ext_42328: Language is my playground (Default)
From: [identity profile] ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com
*shakes head* I feel like I've walked into a long-running soap opera mid-season...

Date: 2009-01-26 12:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
You kind of have ... this is the twenty-eighth mission I've done and the twenty-third or so with Pads aka Bridget ... it'd take a long time to explain. If you wanted to find out what happened earlier in the season, as it were, click my 'PPC' tag and read everything post- 'Rhymes with Bang Bang Sob'. Of course, that'll take you quite a long time ... if you want I could probably email you a potted summary.

Of course, if you prefer to just walk away and forget you saw it, I won't blame you either ...

Date: 2009-01-26 12:47 am (UTC)
ext_42328: Language is my playground (Default)
From: [identity profile] ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com
*grins* I don't have time to fish the archive, but I must note that this, as an isolated instance, was quite entertaining.

Date: 2009-01-26 12:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Excellent. We go for entertaining.

Basically, Trojie and Pads belong to a multiversal organisation for sporking badfic. They specialise in bad slash. Trojie's been there a long time, enough time to be institutionalised (she refuses to acknowlege the existence of heterosexual relations, for a start, and is obsessed with her exorcism bell), Pads is a relative newbie. A while ago Pads got pregnant - they had to remove Rafael Nadal's baby from Roger Federer who inexplicably got pregnant with it and she volunteered to be the receptive uterus in the situation (this is Spencer). Pads is also trying to seduce Trojie. Trojie is resisting. That's basically a potted summary of the season...

Date: 2009-01-26 01:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dracorn-adagio.livejournal.com
More pets, huh? How many are there at this point?

You know, I think I read that fic before. The badness was burned into my brain.

Date: 2009-01-26 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
There are now four minis, a cat and a dog. And the butterflies. I predict that there will be quite a lot of squabbling and tails pulled.

It really is horrible, isn't it.

Date: 2009-01-26 02:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sedri.livejournal.com
*laughs* Ah, your missions are always great, guys. :D

You know, when I first saw this post my eyes were drawn to the Summary section, and for a moment I thought you'd actually written it. Bleh. Guess my eyes just slid right over "Mission" in the heading. Hmm.

And Yay for Edmond! *is proud of inflicting dangerous minis on her fellow agents*

Date: 2009-01-26 02:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
I promise we didn't write it. Promise! :)

I really need to write the interlude where Trojie restarts the CAF agency. Otherwise this will KEEP HAPPENING. And it will be bad ...

Date: 2009-01-26 04:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oozaru-angel.livejournal.com
Awesome job, you two, I love it. *ships her PPC OTP happily* They're gonna share a bed~! *is a fangirl, no matter what* And um... The mission was good too. >.>

Date: 2009-01-26 04:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
*giggles* Trojie/Pads is your PPC OTP? Heavens.

Glad you liked the soap opera mission ...

Date: 2009-01-26 05:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anjilly.livejournal.com
...I'm sort of starting to almost feel bad for giving you Apple. Almost. This whole thing is quite amusing. XD

Date: 2009-01-26 07:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Elebereth is the last of them, I promise. CAF Adoption Agency is the next stop for everything after this. But expect future missions to involve rolled up newspapers, spray bottles of water, time-out corners (a desperate attempt, to be honest) and vast yelping scrapping balls of pets fighting. Because that many animals of disparate types cannot live in harmony, particularly when one of them is human some of the time :P

Date: 2009-01-30 01:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelonianmobile.livejournal.com
Oh gawd, not another who thinks the clitoris is the name of orifice ... It could be worse, I saw one who thought the prostate was another name for the penis. That one wasn't fun.

Date: 2009-01-31 08:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
You see why I want to do a leaflet drop round some of these fandoms? Diagrams would be so useful!

Date: 2009-01-31 09:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelonianmobile.livejournal.com
Absolutely. At the OFUR the students get to listen to Cluny the Scourge explain it, so it's DEFINITELY going to be engraved across their memories in acid forever ...

Date: 2009-02-01 12:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelonianmobile.livejournal.com
And as a bonus, it means many of them will be so scarred they will never ever be able to have sex themselves without thinking about Cluny the Scourge describing the process in unnecessary levels of detail, thus removing scary fanbrat genes from the gene pool!

Date: 2009-02-01 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com

Truly, you have thought of everything

Date: 2009-02-05 07:23 am (UTC)
ext_85481: (Default)
From: [identity profile] hsavinien.livejournal.com
...the writer obviously needs to be hit about the head with a biology text before he, she, ze, or it is allowed near a word-processing program again.

You know, if you'd like to lessen the menagerie a wee bit, Agent Glass would be happy to adopt a mini named Edmond, as she idolizes Cyrano de Bergerac.

Date: 2009-02-20 06:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cassie5squared.livejournal.com
*cheers* Huzzah! Elebereth!

Oh, and good mission, too.

But Elebereth! :D: D :D

Date: 2009-02-21 06:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
THought you might like that. Are you back online? Like, properly? I MISS you!


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