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Title: Violation of the Evenstar

Author: Daguy

Rating: NC-17

Obligatory Linkage: will be ETAd when I get home tonight

Sporked by [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie.

Mission rated: R

Author's Notes: Let's just say it's the child of C*l*br**n in EVERY way, and leave it at that, shall we. Proceed at your own risk.

This is the first mission for Division of Bad Het agents Gypsy Roberts, formerly of the Fireflyverse, and Katie Cray, formerly of the Marvelverse. Chinese is from the Firefly/Serenity Pinyinary. Set late February, HST.

Betaed by [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend.

Agents Cray and Gypsy were what you might call 'opposites'. In defiance of the Laws of Physics, which were usually bent in PPC HQ to make room for the Laws of Narrative Comedy anyway, they were in no way mutually attractive. In fairness, the Marvelverse and the Fireflyverse aren't very compatible. And when you have a thirty-year-old veteran of a galactic war for independence who happens to be a survivor of the losing side, and a psychotic twenty-something with a penchant for alligators as her weapon of choice, confined in a room together, things get ... interesting. It had taken half an hour of rising tensions (beginning with their introduction as partners and being assigned to the new Division of Bad Het) for this situation to occur:

'I only joined this rutting department because there was nothing to do in MS; I didn't sign up to work with you, you reptile-loving piece of gos-se!' Gypsy had had her patience tried beyond reckoning. Her sawn-off shotgun was pointed at the ceiling, away from Cray's precious alligators, but only because Cray was holding it there. The scene looked like the World Armwrestling Championships Final, only for much higher stakes, like not getting shot.

'No swearing in Chinese at me,' said Cray, pushing the gun higher. 'And no shooting my 'gators.'

'I'll shoot them if they don't stay away from my bunk.'

'What would they want with your bunk?' asked Cray defensively, attempting to wrench the shotgun from her partner's grip.

'Somewhere to nest? How should I know?'

'They're an endangered species!'

'Tyen shiao-duh! Where I come from they're extinct! This doesn't mean I want to get all snuggly with them!'

The console took this opportunity to BEEP violently, making both women jump violently away from each other, each suspecting a dastardly plot on the part of her partner.

'Oh,' said Cray, relaxing first. 'It's just the console.'

'Better look,' said Gypsy, holstering the sawn-off. 'Trust me when I say that the first BEEP is never the last.'

'Oh crap...' said Cray, glaring at the console screen. The glow of the LCD screen gave a weird gleam to her emerald-green hair.

'What's the matter?' asked Gypsy, grabbing the shotgun reflexively.

'Put that away,' said Cray. 'The matter is this.' She cleared her throat .' I love Lord of the Rings. I find Arwen to be an extremely interesting and sexy character, only enhanced by Liv Tyler’s performance in the films. No matter how disgustingly Lore-breaking some of them where.'

'Some of them *where*?'

'Yep. But wait, there's more; 'I tried to give it an actual story in the background also; since I’m not all that fond of Porn without a Reason behind it. Of course; beautiful Elf girl who supposedly outshines all her sister + Orcs? Not needing a whole lotta reasoning there.'

'Jien tah-duh guay!' As usual, Gypsy's profanities were incomprehensible to the younger Agent, but she sounded pissed.

'You what?'

'Like hell,' the veteran said, opening a portal. 'Porn-writers don't get to pretend they're deep 'n meaningful.'

The portal opened near the 'Trollshaw's', apostrophe abuse belonging to the Author and not to Gypsy and Cray. Not far from the Agents, Arwen rode a 'great white steed'.

'So, apparently she's not allowed to leave Rivendell, like, ever,' said Cray. She kept the alligators under control by means of leashes and choke chains, but even so, they were docile. Gypsy eyed her partner, still mystified as to how the girl managed to control the reptiles.

'Well that makes no earthly kinda sense. This's why I don't bother to read the Words; only mystifies me more.'

'Well, apparently she's a thousand years old, and she's frolicking and innocent.'

'She's pretty as a field full of lambs in spring, I'll give her that,' said Gypsy, giving the elf a jaded eyeing-up. Accidentally, Gypsy also caught a glimpse of the Words. 'Wuh de ma! Would you look at the apostrophes!'

'Aaaand here come the Orcs.'

'Oh boy. We are in for it now.'

'You're damn right we are; not only do we have to deal with Orc-rape, but we get a description of her 'gown' as well.'

'What in the sphincter of hell did we do to deserve this beat?'

'They won't let me into DAVD and no-one else in the DMS would work with you.'

'And I cannot conjure why that would be,' said Gypsy, stroking her shotgun lovingly. 'After all, I'm such a cuddly type.'

'Sure you are,' said Cray. 'Hands off gun, remember?'

'Keep your lizards where I can see them, then, and - BLUE eyes?'

'Yep,' said Cray cheerfully. 'And sidesaddle, you'll notice. That's not even movie canon.'

'And now she's having a small luck... seems more likely she'd be having lunch, given it's midday.'

'Prob'ly. Aaaand-'

Arwen's horse got shot and threw her dramatically, then proceeded to die as Arwen blacked out.

Gypsy and Cray settled down, making a small fire and watching as the Orcs skinned, cut up, argued over and roasted Arwen's horse.

'Fancy a bit of horsemeat?' asked Gypsy diffidently.

'Not really,' Cray said. 'But the 'gators might.' She let the alligators free of their leashes. 'Go on, boys. Get some supper.'

Watching the Orcs have their dinner stolen by (cloaked by canon) alligators entertained the Agents until Arwen woke up.

'Here we go.'

Arwen cried, for a while, asking multiple rhetorical questions about why they weren't eating her too. The word 'were' was always replaced with 'where' in the Words. Teeth were described as both 'sharp' and 'rotting'. She magically developed a stammer.

'It is a constant source of wonder and amazement to me as to why badficcers give frightened people these speech impediments,' said Gypsy.

'And why the Orcs are suddenly talking like Americans.'

'Aaaaand-' The Orcs 'where upon' Arwen.

'Y'know, I kinda doubt Orcs were big on oral sex,' Gypsy observed.

'True, but the Author already told us she likes rape, right? So, if I understand this right, it's like she enjoys being forced against her will to do things. But it's not exactly against her will 'cos she actually does want to do them, but it's only fun if she's doing it because she's being forced.' Cray's eyes crossed briefly as she tried to make sense of what she'd just said. 'Is that right?'

'Sounds spot on to me. It's only fun if it's not fun. But, honestly, where does this get fun?' Gypsy gestured at the scene, where three Orcs were doing nassty things to poor Arwen, who was lying supine on the ground crying about it.

'It doesn't. I mean, honestly, Arwen would at least have screamed, and more probably kicked at least one of them in the crotch and tried to get away.'

'You're probably right.' The two agents once more lapsed into silence, watching the unfolding action with grim faces.

'Okay, it appears rapist-foreplay is over,' said Cray at last. 'I mean, I'm pretty sure rapists aren't into foreplay so much anyway, but ... anyway.'

'I wish to God I could meet this Author,' said Gypsy, idly stroking the hilt of her shotgun. 'I'd feed her to Reavers and then we'd see what she thinks of rapist-fantasies.'

'Ack,' said Cray. 'Okay, I think Arwen's definitely going to Medical. Those bite-marks will be kinda hard to explain if we leave them.'

'Good point. I think she'll probably want a shower, as well,' Gypsy said, regarding one Orc whose idea of 'rape' appeared to be jerking himself off using Arwen's hair wrapped around his hand. Well, they assumed it was her hair, although 'her clean stands' was a bit ambiguously worded.

'I'm getting the distinct feeling,' said Cray, 'that the Author wrote this hastily at 1am after some fevered wet dream and posted it without getting it beta'd. Whatcha think?'

'Sounds likely. I'm not enjoying this mix-up of technical lingo and weird slang, either.'

'Oh, brilliant. She starts to fight, and then gives up. How likely is this?' asked Cray indignantly. 'I really hope the Author is just some over-imaginative fifteen year old boy, y'know?'

'Why's that?'

'Cos if a girl wrote this ... it makes me sick to my guts.'

'You have a good point there.'

'Oh look. Actual rape.'

'She's still limp.'

'Oh, she's actually fighting back by not fighting, look, cos they want her to fight and scream, and she's not.'

'Juh jen sh guh kwai luh duh jean jan...'

'Enough with the Chinese!'

Gypsy merely pointed.


'Another wonderful example of 'Dear God, Not THERE!', brought to you by another wonderful badficcer,' Gypsy growled. 'Lube! Have they never heard of it?'

'Apparently not. Although, maybe she's one of those self-lubricating elves that the Gladiolus warned us about.'

'Is it just me or is that Gladiolus a go tsao de sadist?'

'I .. think so?'

'You would say 'dog-screwing sadist'' said Gypsy with probably unnecessary sarcasm.

'Well, given the printout of Celebrian she gave us, I'd say 'yes'.'

'How about we stop it here, then, so we can get her to Medical before Glorfindel turns up?'

'I like your thinking. Bell?'

'Check.' Gypsy handed one across.


'Take your pick.' The open Bag was held out to the greenhaired Agent.


'Got a little flamethrower ...' Gypsy held up a little crème brûlée torch.

'It'll have to do. Let's go rescue the Elf.' Cray strode out into the open and started clanging her bell. 'Get the hell away from her.'

The Orcs weren't exactly in character, though, so they didn't do what Orcs usually would have done, which is go 'ooh, new prey', and drop Arwen.

'Are we gonna have a problem with this?' Cray asked the older woman, looking at the frozen tableau before them.

'I think I'm beginning to see why the Gladiolus insisted we take these gloves ...'

'Oh ... you can NOT be serious.'

''Fraid I am. Let's try and scare them off,' Gypsy said, forgetting that it was a crème brûlée torch and not her shotgun she held. She eyed up the nearest Orc and decided that beserker was probably the way to go.

'Nee tzao ss-ma? Nee-yow wuh-kai chang?!' she roared, running down the slope. The torch's flame streamed out behind her. The Orc took one look and bolted, the others closely following, leaving Arwen in a heap on the ground.

Cray followed, clanging her bell.

'Avaunt, Bad Het! Avaunt, rape! Avaunt, complete and total lack of lubricant! The power of TOLKIEN compels you!' she screamed, hurtling after her partner. Even though the Orcs were galloping away, the sheer volume of the exorcism caused the Author-wraith's influence to steam off them. Eventually, Cray caught up to Gypsy and threw her the Bag. Gypsy hauled out the blanket the Gladiolus had also insisted they carry as standard and wrapped Arwen up tight as the Author-wraith started to leave her.

'I'll portal us if you can carry her, okay?' said Cray, watching Gypsy struggle with the now spasming Elf.

'Dong ma.'

'No Chine- y'know what? Forget it.'

A blue doorway opened into Medical, and they handed the now shaking Elf over to Doc Fitzgerald.
'I think the greatest advance in PPC medical science must have been when they worked out how to stop Elves suiciding from rape, y'know?' said Cray thoughtfully as they watched the good Doctor and his assistants go about their business.


'So, first time on the job and we save Arwen from Orc-rape. What does that make us?' Cray asked, grinning. Gypsy sighed. She knew exactly what Cray was angling for.

'Big Damn Heroes,' she said sarcastically. 'And that's the first, last and only time I'm saying that, dong ma?'

'Sure thing,' said Cray innocently. 'Ah, Doctor,' she said as the Doc led over their patient. 'Thanks a bundle.'

'Come on,' said Gypsy, opening another portal. 'Let's not keep the lady waiting.'

Glorfindel approached the Evenstar of his people slowly, a sorrow he couldn’t express filling his heart at her sorry state. Except ... it didn't. Glorfindel looked at Arwen and had to shake off for a moment a terrible feeling of sadness. She smiled at him.

And in the shrubbery, two black-clad Agents of the PPC also smiled. For a moment, until they realised that they were sharing an emotion, and then both scowled.

'Now pick up those alligators, and let's get back.'

Date: 2008-06-24 11:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dracorn-adagio.livejournal.com
'I think the greatest advance in PPC medical science must have been when they worked out how to stop Elves suiciding from rape, y'know?' said Cray thoughtfully as they watched the good Doctor and his assistants go about their business.

I hadn't thought of that. Would a neualyzer really help, or do they have to do something more?

Anyway, great mission!

Date: 2008-06-25 07:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com
Haha! This is the first time I've used my PPC icon! Horrible badfic, but these things tend to be inversely proportional to the awesomeness of the sporking. Both your bickering agents are awesome.

'Sharp and rotting teeth'? WTF?

Date: 2008-06-25 03:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cassie5squared.livejournal.com
Awesomeness central. I love these two already.

Ehm...no, not like that.

*cough* Anyway. I really wanna see more of their work. :) The Trojanhorse and her associates rock muchly.

Date: 2008-06-25 10:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
*is flattered*

Date: 2008-12-19 01:27 am (UTC)
ext_100881: Laura Roslin and Bill Adama, cartoon style. (Default)
From: [identity profile] lily-winterwood.livejournal.com
A little nitpick on the Chinese, being of that nationality myself:

'I'll portal us if you can carry her, okay?' said Cray, watching Gypsy struggle with the now spasming Elf.

'Dong ma.'

The "dong ma" here does not fit, because it means "do you understand". "Dong le" fits the situation better, being "I understand". Otherwise, I didn't find huge, gaping problems. (Or maybe that's just me and being a little rusty with my native language; I use English more)

Date: 2008-12-19 04:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
I'm using Chinese as used in Firefly, which is Gypsy's native continuum; where they basically just use 'dong ma' as 'okay' as well as 'understand/understood' I take all the phrases I've used from the Firefly/Serenity Pinyinary, and basically I base my choice of phrase for Gypsy to use on what phrase a Firefly character would have used in the same situation.

Thanks for the advice, though, I'll definitely bear that in mind next time I come to write these two girls :) advice from a native speaker is always appreciated, given I speak no Asian languages myself :)

Date: 2008-12-19 04:25 am (UTC)
ext_100881: Laura Roslin and Bill Adama, cartoon style. (Default)
From: [identity profile] lily-winterwood.livejournal.com
Ahahaha, I gets it.

Still, I think other Chinese-speakers more fluent than I might appreciate being a bit less confused at points. It's a good idea to stick to your canon's Chinese, but it's also a good idea to research more on the language as well. Did you know there's no such thing as a prepositional phrase in Chinese, and there's two different types of commas and the ellipsis has six dots?

Date: 2008-12-19 04:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
I did not! That's shiny! But while I'd love to know more about Chinese as it is actually spoken, in Firefly it's almost exclusively used in a sort of pidgin way (and only for expletives and to get around the Not Being Allowed Swearwords on American TV thing) - trust me when I say they speak English very badly as well! - and, honestly, I haven't the time to do it justice.

Date: 2008-12-19 04:47 am (UTC)
ext_100881: Laura Roslin and Bill Adama, cartoon style. (Default)
From: [identity profile] lily-winterwood.livejournal.com
True. Real Life is like that.

I don't know many Chinese expletives, but "gou pi" (pronounced "gou pee") means "dog fart" and basically a version of bullsh*t.

Date: 2008-12-19 07:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Hmm, that's useful - might use that one!

Date: 2008-12-19 10:35 pm (UTC)
ext_100881: Laura Roslin and Bill Adama, cartoon style. (Default)
From: [identity profile] lily-winterwood.livejournal.com
Glad I can be of assistance. *Bows and falls off stage. Again*

Date: 2009-02-13 05:58 am (UTC)
ext_85481: (Default)
From: [identity profile] hsavinien.livejournal.com
Yeah, I really hope that wasn't written by a female. *glowers*
At least s/he/it didn't kill off Glorfindel's Asfaloth. Random Horse is bad enough.

Date: 2009-02-13 07:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Tell me about it. I *like* horses.


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