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This piece of insanity is an interview between Agent Trojanhorse of the Department of Bad Slash and Gilty Cin, mysterious host of PPC Radio. An audio version is being prepared as we speak, but this contains the bits that happened before, during and after the recorded interview, as well.
Beware, contains discussion of Political Leader Slash and other horrific things.
Takes place late May/early June HST; before the final AHAIRQL match.



The response center looked like the packing center from hell. That, or one of the most cheaply-made labyrinths in the history of the multiverse. Boxes had been stacked against the walls, on top of other boxes, against other boxes, all the way up to the ceiling. It was such a confusing mess that were it a labyrinth it might have even done David Bowie Jareth proud, if that was possible (and if it hadn‘t been made chiefly of cardboard).

It was into this messy place that Agent Trojanhorse had been called. Bad Slash needed its representative, and Luxury, while very representative, didn't make for good recruitment drives. Thus, making Bad Slash look like an attractive career option was on Trojie's shoulders alone.

"Um, hello?" she called, not being able to see anyone in the chaotic room. "I'm looking for Gilty Cin?"

"Over here!" a voice called. Trojie followed it as best she could through the mazelike RC, and finally reached a shadowy part of the room. The Console's screen glowed brightly in the gloom. A flimsy folding table had been stood up next to said Console, with a laptop on it and connected to the Console by a large number of wires (had anyone bothered to look close enough, they would have noticed that there were more wires than connections on the laptop. But that doesn’t really matter), and a headset smothered by a tangle of them. Someone was attempting to untangle this mess of electrical confusion. This someone's face was not only hidden by the suspcious lack of light, but also by a paperbag with two neat holes cut out for eyes.

This was incredibly suspicious to the Bad Slasher."Are you Gilty Cin?" she asked.

"Yes. Are you Agent-" the paperbag tipped foward as Gilty Cin looked at the laptop screen. "Trojanhorse? From Bad Slash?"

"Yes. You, er, called me here? Wait. This isn't because the Flowers have found some horrific fic in a continuum my partner doesn't know and have temporarily reassigned me and you're my new partner... is it?"

Cin looked bemused, as much as a paper bag can. "Nope."

"Oh. Sorry. It's just it's happened before..."

"Right. This is for the radio show."

"Oh, that." Trojie relaxed. "You want to ask me questions?"

"That was the plan."

"Well, okay. Go ahead then." The Bad Slash agent looked around and found a seat with only a small amount of debris on it, swept it off and sat.

"Alright, here's your headset." Cin handed the free one to Trojie, after yanking it away from the tangle of wires.

"Where's yours?"

"I'm already wearing mine."

"Under the bag?"

"Yes. Under the bag."

"Can I see?"

"No. And, that said, let's get started." The enigmatic host of the radio show started to type commands into the laptop.

GILTY: Good something, everyone, you're listening to PPC Radio, the only music and news station that reaches through the whole Multiverse, and I'm Gilty Cin! Today we have in the studio with me Agent Trojanhorse from the Department of Bad Slash, making for the first interview we've conducted! So, Trojanhorse, rumour has it your department is holding a recruitment drive?

TROJIE: Pretty much. We're definitely interested in having some newbies join us; things are getting busy in Bad Slash and for some reason most recruits seem to head straight for Mary Sues or Floaters and don't give us a second look.

GILTY: Well, it is that time of the year, you know.

TROJIE: What, the Mary Sue time of year? Oh, well, what with the release of the second Narnia film, I guess you're right. But there's so much new slash out there from that same event ... incest slash even, and we really need to get a head start on Caspianfic before it swamps us. And Potterslash is a huge problem in the multiverse as well, what with the ease that that continuum is crossovered.

GILTY: Well, I had meant that the PPC tends to get more eager and innocent recruits in the middle of the year, but that's right too. There's also the fact that your Department hasn't produced as many, well, very visible idols to look up to.

TROJIE: Oh, right. Gotcha. Well, Lux is pretty damn visible, but ... well, I get your point. We've got a lot of recluses, a nymphomaniac, a heavily drugged Animagus, and, er, me. But we'd like to emphasise to any recruits considering joining Bad Slash that we have a far lower injury rate than any other department, and we get to see canon characters naked a lot more than any other department does, as well. Also, our Head is slightly less sadistic than some of the other Flowers I could mention. And our parties are fun!

GILTY: Fun?

TROJIE: Well, you can imagine that any department that gets worked as hard as we do parties extra hard in their offtime. We've had at least one fancy-dress party, and several discos, but as they're a Department secret of sorts, I really shouldn't give you too many details. Our team in the All HQ Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich League is currently tied for first place, as well, and we encourage our members to join in; it's perfect exercise for Agents such as ourselves who spend more time in dark bedrooms than more outdoorsy canonical locations.

GILTY: *doubtful* Right. Exactly what do you all do on your missions?

TROJIE: Well, our first duty, like with other Agents, is to observe. We have to actually view the most serious transgressions against canon before we can charge them.

GILTY: That strikes me as several levels of awful, considering your line of work.

TROJIE: You get used to it. Anyway, then we have to exorcise the possessed characters. We pretty much just use the standard exorcism using bell, book or other canon source, and candles. Although sometimes we might have to tie the canon characters up if they get fractious.

GILTY: There haven't been... problems with tying them up, have there?

TROJIE: Some of them don't take to it, it's true. Actually, given the number of times I've had to wrestle Elves into submission, I'm actually surprised new recruits haven't been hammering on our doors.

GILTY: I meant with the Agents doing the tying up.

TROJIE: Oh! Well, of course if an Agent is sent into a continuum with one of her Lust Objects needing attention, there will be, er, incidents, shall we say, but after a few missions you generally just get bored with the whole situation. Lust Objects are better from afar, anyway. And in character. And not tangled up with other canon characters.

GILTY: True that. Anyway, I think it's time for a music break. Trojanhorse, would you like to choose?

TROJIE: Er, well, how about one of my favourite songs; Milk It, by Nirvana?

GILTY: That works. *keyboard noises here* Only copy we seem to have is live. That fine?

TROJIE: Perfect. I think it's probably a better version than the album release, but then they were always better live.

GILTY: Well, here's Milk It. Nirvana.

*song plays*

Gilty leaned back slightly in her seat and knocked a few boxes behind her over. "Nirvana fan?"

"Big time," the Bad Slasher said, smiling. "Most rabid one you'll ever meet."

Gilty chuckled. "Good thing you're here then, right?"

"In what way? Some would say that letting me within five lightyears of a Remote Activator was a bad idea."

"Some would also say that unknown persons at HQ is a bad idea, and that fire is a bad idea. Besides, you haven't tried to jump anyone's bones, have you?"

"Jumping their bones gets old in Bad Slash. Everyone's already done it." The Bad Slasher sighed. "Besides, it'd get recursive, cos then I'd have to exorcise myself, and we mess with the laws of physics enough on an ordinary day."

Gilty nodded. "So, is it true?"

"Of the many, MANY rumours that go around about Bad Slash, which one are you referring to? If it's the one about Luxury and the Kama Sutra Audition Process, that one's a lie. Promise."

"The one about your partner being some twisted version of Sirius Black." There was a pause. "Hadn't heard that one though. Interesting. Does Luxury know it is a lie?"

"Lux doesn't so much 'know it's a lie' as 'push for it to become the truth'. And, yeah, Paddlebrains is essentially Padfoot. It's complicated. Let's just say that people ought to be more careful when they roleplay."

"That must make for some interesting missions."

"Interesting would be one way to put it. She's a good partner, and reliable. The dog thing is useful too, but letting her anywhere near Remus Lupin is really, really dangerous."

"I'd bet. Any weirdo meeting herself missions at all?"

"Not yet, but thanks for mentioning it; I'm sure our next mission will involve Black in some capacity now. Probably the weirdest one was when we had to exorcise Remus Lupin when he was shagging an emasculated Severus Snape. That got odd very quickly. In fact, I don't know which was weirder; the eunuch!sex or Pads constantly moaning about how *her* Moony would never have even *touched* Snape..."

"Eunuch sex. Something tells me I really don't want to know."

"It wasn't really that bad, actually, considering that despite the author calling him a eunuch, what she'd actually done was give him a sex change. Talk about disturbing ways of dealing with the fact that a slash pairing gives you a happy even while it disturbs your morals. Call me crazy, but I think that wantonly giving a character a violently-done sex change is worse than being turned on by the idea of him gettin' it on with another man."

"The eunuch sex actually sounds better now."

"Yeah, that's the trick with most of Bad Slash work; there's always a way to think about it that doesn't completely creep you out. And when all else fails, there's taking refuge in the fact that you get to fix it. There's a real sense of achievement to the work. You feel like you've made a real difference."

"Don't most of us get to think that though?" Gilty said, dryly.

"Probably. I dunno. I've never been in another department."

"Really?" Gilty leaned towards the laptop monitor. "Song's wrapping up. You ready for the rest of the interview?"

"Sure thing."

GILTY: And we're back. Interesting song choice, Trojanhorse. Trojanhorse is with us today giving an interesting look into the Department of Bad Slash and why it might be a good choice if you're considering a Department move. During the break, I just found out that our friend here has worked in the Department of Bad Slash her entire time at the PPC. How long have you been here, if you don't mind me asking?

TROJIE: Since 2003, so around about five years or so.

GILTY: *low whistle* That's quite awhile, especially when you consider everything that's happened in recent PPC history.

TROJIE: (laughs) Well I managed to survive most of the Crises by good timing and cowardice, I must admit.

GILTY: Rumor - well, not really rumor so much as completely impossible to disregard fact says that you and other Agents in Bad Slash were the ones who found out what the Sues had done to the Tomb of the Unknown PPC Agent during last month's invasion. Doesn't sound really like cowardice to me, given the number of Sues in there. Though the can-can was definitely special.

TROJIE: Well, it would be fairer to say that Cray of Bad Het was the real hero of that hour; it was her psychic powers that alerted us in the first place and that summoned the backup; the others and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time to help out. And the can-can was all thanks to Lux. Nah, when all's said and done no PPC agent will suffer a Sue to live; we were all just doing our Duty. Someone had to be in there first; this time it was Bad Slash.

GILTY: True, true. Now, we have some questions that were sent in from the audience, mind answering?

TROJIE: Not at all. I'm open to questions.

GILTY: This first one is from Sara: Trojie... have you ever written bad slash? If so, what was the pairing and what happened to it?

TROJIE: Well, I've written a fair amount of slash over the years but I'm hoping none of it could be classed as 'bad'. Um, pairings I've written were Aragorn/Faramir, Aragorn/Halbarad, Aragorn/Eomer although that was meant to be crack!fic, er, Bartleby/Loki, Aziraphale/Crowley ... I can't recall any others, although I ship Remus/Sirius quite heavily. The Aragorn/Eomer crack!fic was actually quite bad, now that I come to think of it, but it was short and meant to be comical. Hmm. Maybe I should look it over again ... thanks Sara!

GILTY: Hey, I imagine your partner rather likes that last one. Okay, this one doesn't specify who it's from. "How many fics must a canon walk down before you can call him not gay?"

TROJIE: That's an interesting question. I think it's important to remember that a canon character is only definitively straight if the author specifies so in a canonical publication. Saying that, some characters are blatantly straight even without us having to be told so, and you'd need a bloody good plot to make them convincingly gay. Given the state of published fiction in the world today, I think that most canons could be called 'not gay' a lot easier than they could be called 'gay'. So, probably not many. I hope that helps!

GILTY: Yeah. Next question! Cavan asks: What is the weirdest nonincest or nonubersquick pairing you've had the misfortune to stumble across?

TROJIE: The oddest one? Er, probably Legolas/Elladan. For some reason it just puzzles me greatly. I mean, why?

GILTY: I wonder too. Agent Rilwen asks Trojie: What pairing do you especially wish the slashers would write, instead of the really improbable ones?

TROJIE: I could really stand to see more Remus/Sirius done WELL, because it's actualy really rare. Polly/Mal is also one I'm fond of. And Aziraphale/Crowley, because it could almost be canon.

GILTY: Mm, Good Omens. Er, next question. Oozaru Angel asks: Well, a lot of agents in other departments have characters or pairings that they hate seeing messed with. Do you have any slash OTPs that send you into an uncontrollable rage when you see them done badly?

TROJIE: My one really rabid OTP is Remus/Sirius. Bad Remus/Sirius really makes my blood boil.

GILTY: Shame it's so popular but doesn't get half the proper treatment it does. Wow. Now this one just had to invoke Rule 34. Pigeonarmy writes in: Fictional (or Real) Presidential Bad Slash: good for the soul in today's world, or needlessly ugly? Just a hypothetical that will soon turn to truth, as per the Narrative Rules of Comedy.

TROJIE: (sighs) I've learnt to ignore Rule 34, I mean, there's probably a subclause that says that if it exists, there's porn of it, and it will sooner or later be sent to Bad Slash. But, er, Real Person slash is needless on all counts. And slashing political leaders is just nasty for the imagination. I mean, Bush/Blair? Please. I don't think anyone could make a case that that kind of thing was good for the soul.

GILTY: I'd like to take this moment to apologise to everyone listening for the mental images that they've just been given. The current US president and Britian's last PM getting down and dirty just isn't needed in anyone's heads. Just remember, Bleeprin is the answer and PPC Radio is not to be held responsible for any mental trauma. Now, we have two questions from insanegrrl; 'How much Bleep-product does your department go through each day/equivalent timespan?' and 'How do you feel about newbies/what are some tips?'

TROJIE: Well, we do go through a fair amount of bleepproducts, I'll admit, but I really couldn't estimate the volume; it's highly variable, for a start. I can tell you that bleeprin is generally more popular than bleepka simply because it's easier to carry around and use on a mission. As to your second question, I like having newbies around. I like meeting new people. Some tips for newbies in Bad Slash would be things like 'really don't tempt the Ironic Overpower,' and 'glomping your Lust Objects never ends well.' I mean, those are good tips anywhere in the PPC, but tempting the Overpower in Bad Slash generally leads to more Agents snapping or going AWOL than anything else.

GILY: Good advice for all newbies, I should think. I think we'll wind down the interview with one last question from Cassie Young: If you got stuck with a Legendary Badfic involving slash, would you take it?

TROJIE: Of course I would. It's my Duty. I take all the fics I'm assigned. And I'd much rather work Slash than Het or Sues, trust me.

GILTY: Alright. That's that. Thanks for coming on the show and fielding questions. I hope your recruitment drive goes well.

TROJIE: No problem. It was fun, and I hope I've helped raised Bad Slash's profile somewhat.

GILTY: And we're out!

Gilty stopped the transmission and turned towards Trojie. "That was a good interiew. But some of those questions sent in..." She shook her head. "Crazy people."

"This IS the PPC, you know. You weren't expecting sensible questions, were you?"

"Well, your partner kept sending in questions."

"Tell me none of those were from her? Some of the things she's coming up with these days are starting to scare me," said Trojie with a smile.

"None of the ones I read." Gilty adjusted her paper bag.

"That's a blessing. What kinds of things was she asking, out of interest?"

"Why you hadn't brought her with you, something disturbing about boots I don't think I want to know the full story behind, and when you'd let her in your bed, and what sort of flavour condoms you'd rather."

"Well, if she emails you back, tell her the answer's 'never', and unless she's had a sex change since the last time she deliberately 'forgot' to wrap herself in a towel when getting out of the bath, condoms wouldn't really be that useful. Unless we've run out of balloons and are having a birthday party."

"Or you could tell her later." Gilty stood up. "It was good having you on the show, Agent Trojanhorse."

"It was good being here. Thanks for having me." The Bad Slash agent stood and proffered a hand to the broadcaster. "Nice to meet you, too."

"By the way, when are you going to be holding the third Quiddich match?"

"Soonish. Why, are you thinking of commentating?" And with that parting shot, and a grin, the Bad Slasher left the box-strewn room.

"Probably! See you then!"

Date: 2008-06-22 10:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-fiend.livejournal.com
*grin*

Hmm, ideas for more backstory... Although the focus for now should really be Paedo!Harry, as thanks to your immensity it's nearly finished.

Also, you are posting things without letting me beta again. I'm going to go through and fix the missing full stops and speech marks.

Date: 2008-06-22 08:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agenttrojie.livejournal.com
Humble apologies; I just get all carried away and when you aren't there to check my enthusiasm, danger occurs.

Date: 2008-06-22 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-fiend.livejournal.com
No worries, I fixed it. Onwards to Paedo!Harry!

Date: 2008-06-22 11:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com
We have a radio station? Ah, the things you learn...

Date: 2008-06-22 05:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dracorn-adagio.livejournal.com
Mwahaha. Got to love the PPC's insanity.

Bad Slash publicity is always good. Although that mention of political slash just killed my brain.

Date: 2008-06-22 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sedri.livejournal.com
That was fun - thanks!

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