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Title: Jungle Terror and Bungle in the Jungle
Author: dragonman
Obligatory Linkage: http://movies.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=544172236 and http://movies.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=544172484
Sporkage by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporking rated: R
Sporkers' notes: Yargh just about sums it up. Lex gets molested by compys. Trojie, Pads and Oscar are so horrified that words just about fail them. Then she gets molested by a raptor. Glod help us all. These two fics have been amalgamated into one mission because they are actually identical in everything except the species of molesting dinosaur. The author reused exactly the same opening and pretty much the same wording throughout both fics. We didn't see the need to waste time and words doing the same thing over twice.



February 2009 HST

When we left Our Heroes, they were in the midst of an argument about undergarments. It will come as no surprise to anyone that Agent Pads, inveterately gutterminded Slasher, had won it. It was with some degree of discomfort, therefore, that Agent Oscar Henson made his way over to RC#45's console to open a portal.

'It feels like someone's flossing my bum,' he complained.

'Well if you'd taken my advice...' Agent Trojie began.

'Then I'd look like Superman in drag.' Oscar fiddled with the console, conjuring a portal. 'Underpants over the top really aren't my style.'

'I don't think they're anyone's style, really,' said Trojie. 'Even Superman looked like a bit of a prat, if I'm honest.'

'Yes, well, at least they're clean,' said Pads, trying and failing to keep a slightly evil grin off her face. 'And there are plenty of other clean ones for him if he manages to soil those.'

'You mean, all the impractical ones you keep foisting on me?'

'Someone ought to get some use out of them.'

'And I still say we should give them to Lux.'

'If we did that, Oscar would now be going commando,' Pads pointed out.

'Which is not something I relish doing around -' Oscar checked the latest printout and shuddered - 'a pack of 'horny compys'.'

'A fate worse than death, particularly in PPC uniform trousers,' said Trojie. 'Alright then, hitch up your panties, Oscar, and let's be off.' She headed through the portal with a spring in her step.

A seven year old girl, Lex, lay in a damp patch of grass in 'some woods'.

'Bookverse, I see,' Pads commented.

'Or a twisted travesty of it,' Trojie said. 'At least Crichton tried to get the science right, DNA notwithstanding. I can't see him committing interspecies gang rape to paper.'

She was on Isla Nublar, and she had gotten lost from Dr. Grant and Timmy.

'Timmy?' Oscar asked, from his vantage point behind a tree. 'Wasn't he the boy we just took to Doc Fitz?'

'Yep.' Pads frowned. 'And he should be here. She didn't actually get separated from them in the book.'

'Charging for flagrant disregard for canon to facilitate implausible porn,' Oscar told her.

'Good boy. You're learning fast.' Trojie patted him on the head. 'So, Procompsognathus, you said?'

'If this is bookverse, yes,' said Pads.

Trojie peered at the tiny animals converging on Lex, who was standing up and looking around. 'Kinda cute, aren't they?'

'Yeah, for dung-eating, pack-hunting and apparently child-smexing evil scaly bastards,' said Pads. 'How're the underpants holding up there, Kermit?'

'Alright so far,' said Oscar, who was trying to shuffle away from where a Procompsognathus was biting Lex.

'Excellent.'

The three agents followed the compy, which was following Lex. 'Nice jungle, too,' said Trojie. 'I do like a nice podocarp landscape. And araucarias!'

'And child-molesting dinosaurs?'

Trojie's head whipped round. 'What?'

Pads pointed. The compy had managed to rip Lex's shirt off when she'd fallen over. Trojie's eyes narrowed.

'Is it supposed to be licking her nipples?' Oscar asked, frowning.

'Somehow I suspect not,' Pads told him, keeping her gaze fixed on Trojie lest the veteran leap without warning. 'Eating them, maybe.' Oscar winced. 'Probably quite tasty deep-fried,' the Animagus mused.

'No one is getting eaten,' Trojie said. 'Especially not canons.'

'Do the compys count as canons?'

'Yes,' Trojie declared emphatically, as one of the dinosaurs in question got up close and personal with the girl's genitals. And then: '... Could you put 'ridiculously fast orgasms' on the chargelist please, Oscar?' she said sweetly, knuckles white against the handle of her bell. Oscar complied. 'And ... I think that's just about enough of that,' the veteran added as a veritable swarm of compys made for the prone Lex. 'If we leave it any longer we'll have to neuralyse Dr Grant as well.'

'Exorcism time, then?' asked Pads.

'I'm voting yes,' said Oscar. 'Please?'

'I'm thirding that,' said Trojie. 'Let's go, people.' She shrugged off the Bag and advanced determinedly on the scene before them. Pads rifled through the thing and produced, with some difficulty thanks to her inability to grasp anything properly while shielded, a copy of Crichton's novel and a candle. She tossed the candle and a lighter out of her own pocket to Oscar and, taking the book, followed Trojie towards Lex and the compys.

Trojie opened the exorcism with 'YAAARGERROFFOUTOFITYERBASTARDS!' and aimed a kick at the offending reptiles, whilst Pads grabbed the poor prepubescent girl and delivered a merciful thwap across the back of the skull with the book. Oscar did his best to look useful, and lit the candle.

Trojie's cry had startled the compys, and they circled her cautiously, making chittering noises that put her in mind of the Dungeon Dimensions. She clanged the Bell threateningly at them. 'Avaunt!' she cried.

'Must you be so loud?' Pads asked, poking the now-unconscious Lex with a toe and making her personal shield shimmer green again. 'There's probably all sorts of great big beasties about. With teeth.'

'Very good point,' Trojie conceded, but she rang the Bell hard again anyway. 'Avaunt, spirit of ... Bad Het?'

'It'll do, unless there are bad biology wraiths these days.'

'Don't give the multiverse ideas.'

'Roger that, boss.'

'Can we get on?' Oscar asked. 'These underthings are still giving me gyp.'

'Avaunt!' Trojie stage-whispered, attempting to avoid attracting the attention of raptors or of Tyrannosaurus. 'Spirit of Bad Het, I command thee to depart this place! I banish bad biology! I banish cross-species rape. I banish bestiality! I banish non-con, unlikely acquiescence and paedophilia! Avaunt!' A tinkle from the bell brought the Wraith out of the unfortunate bodies of the compys and of Lex. Oscar waved his candle through it, and it disappeared into the humid air. He grinned.

'Nice and simple. What do we do with her?' the newbie asked.

'She's supposed to be in a pipe somewhere, muttering about aminals,' Pads supplied. 'And she could probably do with a neuralysation.'

'Agreed,' Trojie said, stuffing her Bell back into her pocket. 'Remembering that while trying to run away from sundry bloodthirsty dinosaurs might be a little distracting.'

The memory wipe was a simple affair, although they were forced to loiter for a good few minutes waiting for the canon to wake up first. Trojie spent the time examining the local flora, and Pads spent it bitching about the impossibility of smoking through an impenetrable shield. Oscar occupied himself updating the chargelist from the printout of the Words, as they'd skipped the worst of them in favour of maintaining sanity and internal organs all round.

When the girl's memories of being enthusiastically gang-raped by a pack of dinosaurs had been sufficiently erased, Pads knocked her out with the book again - 'Just in case,' she said, although in case of what wasn't entirely clear - Trojie took off her sunglasses and started scouting round for a suitable pipe. As ever, the Word World provided, and Lex was deposited with all due care in a concrete drainage pipe.

'Nice and easy,' Trojie said, dusting herself off.

'Are we done yet?' Oscar asked, fiddling with his groin region.

'Onwards!' Pads declared. 'To the final saurian atrocity.' She examined the printout critically. 'Hmm.'

'Good hmm or bad hmm?' Trojie wanted to know as she led the others through the dense undergrowth.

'Repetitive hmm, I think. Oh dear.'

Oscar ran through his mental checklist of Interjections Likely To Herald Mind-Scarring Disaster and/or Big Teeth, and frowned. 'That doesn't sound good.'

'It's not,' Pads began, but Trojie interrupted her with a growl.

'Is that what I think it is?' Before them, in a sad little heap on the grass, was the prone figure of of a girl.

'A complete backtrack to where we started the previous story? Yep,' said Pads, growling as well.

'Hmmm,' said Oscar this time. He'd been practising his reading of the Words. 'It's ... the same thing again? But with a raptor?'

'Looks like it,' said Pads. 'How to make new porn: take old porn, substitute one protagonist.' She was now grinding her teeth together.

'It's only one Velociraptor, right?' said Trojie, narrowing her eyes.

'Apparently,' said Oscar.

'Here it comes now,' Pads added.

'Right. Let's do the three-way decoy thing again,' said Trojie. 'Before it even has a chance to get at her, because Glod knows she's been through enough. Pads, you break that way, Oscar, you break that way, and I'll bop it over the head.'

'Much as I hate to interrupt your Rambo moment,' said Pads, 'are you sure that you can actually knock it out with your bell? I know you managed it the other time, but the Narrative Laws of Comedy were on your side. They might not be this time.'

'We still have the tranquiliser rifles,' said Oscar. 'Let's plug it full of anaesthetic and then do the Duty.'

'I like the way you think,' Trojie said, holding her hand out for some heavy weaponry.

'We're giving up on charges entirely then?' Pads asked, showing a level of attention to Duty in the face of monsters only obtainable with an impenetrable shield. Trojie sighed, and peered at the Words for a moment.

'Dinosaurs with penises, dinosaurs wanting to have sex with humans, dinosaurs not eating humans in the JPverse, horrifically flowery prose for a dub-con interspecies PWP, giving an eight year old girl breasts, making an eight year old girl 'know what was coming next' when being molested by an extinct animal, and really pissing me off. Is that enough to be going on with?' Trojie asked sweetly. 'I can give you the lengthy and ranty version instead if you like, but it's got a lot of big words in it, like intromittent and cloaca and saurischian, and by the time I've explained them to young Kermit we'll probably have been eaten.'

'Point taken,' Pads conceded, as Oscar scribbled frantically.

'Oh,' Trojie added, 'and it's going to to eat her labia, apparently. I for one am not waiting to watch that.'

'It'd be in character,' Pads said, a trifle dubiously.

'Not the way this author means it.'

'Alright, all written down,' said Oscar with a triumphant flourish of his pen. 'Pass me a gun, someone?'

When munitions were all shared out, the plan was hatched. And then the plan was promptly foiled as Pads went dog and ran between Lex and the raptor, hoping to draw the thing off the girl; Oscar attempted to grab Lex and was foiled by a mud puddle and a tree root; and Trojie ignored the plan entirely and went straight for the raptor, only to collide with Pads coming back the other way. The raptor was so bemused by this, however, that Oscar did manage to get one clean shot in from his crumpled, sprained-ankle heap, and the raptor, mercifully, went down.

One extremely familiar-sounding exorcism later, and Pads was gently depositing Lex in yet another pipe, and Trojie was strapping Oscar's ankle with a length of velvet embroidered in complex magical sigils that she was being extremely reticent about the origin of.

'Thank Glod that's over,' said Pads, coming back over to her partners. 'Trojie, is that a wizard's robe you've got there?'

'Certainly not,' said Trojie, getting up and helping Oscar to his feet. 'Portal?'

'With pleasure,' the Animagus said, grabbing the RA and making a mental note to interrogate her partner at a later date about the contents of her Bag and when they'd been restocked.

The cold Generic Surface floor had never been so welcome. Neither had the attentions of the various pets, although Pads couldn't help but flinch away from Edmond's cold reptilian snout as he attempted to give her a welcoming cuddle.

'I don't know what you're complaining about,' Trojie said, slightly muffled by the fur and feathers pinning her to the ground. 'It's not like you were in any danger.'

'Yes, but I could still see the great big fangs,' Pads pointed out, somewhat distracted by her personal shield, which was hindering all attempts to inhale life-giving nicotine. 'Any idea how I get this thing off?'

'Don't you have to want to take it off?' asked Trojie, with an unusual gleam in her eye.

'Yes, but ... oh. Right,' Pads said, grinning suddenly. Oscar, turning pink, coughed awkwardly, but was saved from potential embarrassment by the bip of the console.

'See to that, would you, Kermit?' said Pads, reaching for her personal shield. Grateful for the opportunity to turn away from his temporary partners, Oscar did so.

'It's a message for ... me?' he said, uncertainly. 'Agent Henson, seeing as your current partners seem determined to use you as their personal back-up and semi-disposable minion, it is the wish of the Head of Department that you be assigned your own partner and begin work in our Division in earnest. Said new partner is awaiting you in your Response Centre. Signed, the Male Ginkgo.'

Oscar turned back round. 'Disposable?'

'Only semi,' said Pads, as if this made it better. 'And he's exaggerating.'

'Yes, we're very fond of you,' said Trojie, looking a little more shamefaced than her partner. 'We wouldn't really have let anything eat you.'

'Well, not much of you, anyway,' Pads said. 'None of the important bits,' she amended in response to Oscar's alarmed squeak. 'Shouldn't you be getting on, then?'

'I - probably,' Oscar conceded. 'But... new partner?'

'You'll be fine,' Trojie said, her attention already mostly elsewhere. 'Just remember the golden rules: always keep your Bleeprin stocked up; when in doubt, lubricate; do your Duty no matter what; and make sure you always wash your hands after a mission.'

'And always bring a change of underwear,' Pads added, dragging Trojie towards the bunks.

That last rule seemed a rather pressing one, and so Oscar left them to it - whatever it was - and headed out into the depths of HQ in search of his new partner, wriggling somewhat uncomfortably.
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