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Welcome to Response Centre 45, the repository of mission reports written by Trojie and Pads.

We spork bad slash, bad het, mpreg and anything else that misuses biology. In this handy-dandy menu you will therefore find the adventures of Agents Trojie and Pads of the Department of Bad Slash, Agents Gypsy and Cray of the Division of Bad Het, Agents Veridian and Stevius of the Department of Character Protective Services, Agents Lasa and Mombi of the Department of Angst, and Agents Oscar and Iza of the Division of Mpreg.

Almost every PPC mission recorded here is at least rated M and more usually R. This is because we specialise in sporking smutfic, usually that which is rated NC-17, out of some misguided sense that we have to use our powers of unsquickableness for good, and with base material like that, even if we take out the worst excerpts, the end product is not going to be much lower rated. It is probably a good idea to assume that most missions are NSFW.

What is the PPC, we hear you ask? Well:

The Context )

And who, exactly are we to judge badfic? How do we judge it?
The Charges )

Department of Bad Slash Missions )


The CMO's Daughter (cowritten by Trojie and [personal profile] sedri and starring Agent Sedri and Trojie's adopted daughter Marsha)
Wellington PPC Gathering 2008
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PPC Gathering Dunedin 2010

by Trojie, with comments and asides by Sedri

The adventures of two PPCers in Dunedin )
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Title: I Will Never Stop Loving You
Author: channiegurl
Obligatory Linkage: http://community.livejournal.com/robinhoodslash/106096.html
Sporked by: [profile] agenttrojie and [profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: PG for language (on the part of the agents) and conversational topics (also on the part of the agents).
Sporkers' notes: About as saccharine as a fic can get, and as illogical. In fact, the kind of fic that gives rise to the little-known ficcer's condition Diabetes illogica. Complete disregard for canon and for writing conventions such as spelling, grammar, formatting or the use of a beta-reader.
Betaed by [personal profile] ansela_jonla and [personal profile] sedri.

At last, I get a bit of revenge for being dragged into the Merlinverse. )
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Title: Lady Light Skirt
Author: Joxie
Rating: Adult++
Obligatory Linkage: http://tv.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600094522
Sporked by: [profile] agenttrojie and [profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: R
Sporkers' notes: Oscar and Iza, bewildered by the latest BBC show to acquire Mpreg ficcers, have to (reluctantly) bring in Trojie for canon knowledge and, naturally, Pads follows along. Thanks to [personal profile] sedri for the beta.
WARNINGS: Fic contains NON-CON (magically-facilitated m/m rape), lack of punctuation and presumably Babelfished 'Old English' as well as male pregnancy. Sporking contains swearing, confusion, fangirling and arguments. With any luck, this will be the last Mpreg mission Trojie and Pads end up muscling in on for a while.

Also, knee-walking is canonical. )
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This is by way of being a mission plug, rather than a mission, because this is the first official outing of Marsha, Trojie's adopted Triceratops daughter, as an Assassin, being trained by the very capable Agent Sedri.

Title: The CMOs Daughter
Author: pdljmpr6
Obligatory linkage:http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5382173/1/The_CMOs_Daughter
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] sedri and [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie
Sporkage rated: PG-13

The mission can be found here at [livejournal.com profile] sedri's journal
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Title: Spreading Filths
Author: whysoserious
Obligatory Linkage: http://lotr.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600080827
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: M (or 'oh, Christ onna bike' in our personal scale)
Sporkers' notes: Gollum decides to assuage Frodo's lust for the absent Sam, and Trojie and Pads get some sporking assistance from someone they weren't exactly expecting. Betaread by the lovely [livejournal.com profile] sedri

Is it a Sue, Mum? Can I come with you? Can I, please? )
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Title: Another Drink
Author: Zarier99
Obligatory Linkage: http://lotr.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600080203
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: R
Sporkers' notes: Not the most imaginative way of getting Frodo and Sam together, this fic nevertheless had some stunning reimagining of the concept of 'vital fluids'. Beta-read by the lovely [livejournal.com profile] cassie5squared.

If this involves rubber gloves, I'm offski. )
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Title: Dreams
Author: Jakoby
Obligatory Linkage: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4842735/1/Dreams
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: M
Sporkers' notes: Agent Oscar of the Division of Mpreg gets a permanent partner at last - Agent Iza, formerly of the Department of Mary Sues. Contains spoilers for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Iza appears courtesy of [livejournal.com profile] sedri, who also gave us a shiny beta.

It's Harry having a baby and the father is Snape! )
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Title: The Upholding of Honour
Authors: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Rating: R
Summary: A PPC interlude. Once upon a time there was a newbie on the Board who, when inventing his first Agent character, decided to invent an incident in which his Agent challenged the Department of Bad Slash to a squickfic reading contest, and which his Agent won. Established writers for the Department of Bad Slash were understandably a bit miffed by the insinuation that a newbie from some other department would be better at dealing with bad smut than their Agents were. Thus the idea for this interlude was born. It was recently unearthed in the uncharted depths of gdocs, and is posted here for posterity.

You're kidding )
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Title: A Modicum of Pleasure
Author: xTJGx
Obligatory Linkage: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3912670/1/A_Modicum_of_Pleasure
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporking rated:
Sporkers' notes: Dumbledore and Dobby. There are no words. Consider yourself warned. NSFW, NSFB. This is the closest we ever came to actually having to stop writing so we could sit in a corner clutching a bottle and rocking back and forth while waiting for the men in white coats to come and take us away. It hurt. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla, [livejournal.com profile] lady_rilwen and [livejournal.com profile] cassie5squared for the beta. We applaud your bravery, even if we don't understand why you were all so eager.

I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of time )
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Title: of hot tubs and weevils
Author: punksbitch
Obligatory Linkage: http://tv.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600094490
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporkage rated: R
Sporkers' notes: See Jack and Ianto. See Jack and Ianto run away from weevils. See Jack and Ianto stop to have sex in a hot tub. No, we don't really want to either. Contains no spoilers for Children of Earth, so don't worry. Betaed by [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla. Warning: contains gratuitous manlove and Science.

Do you think you can actually get steel wool for your brain? )
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Title: Teatime Punished
Author: crudedude
Rating: M
Obligatory Linkage: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4766647/1/Teatime_Punished
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporking rated: R?
Sporkers' notes: Seriously NSFW and NSFB. This is all [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla's fault, as she brought this travesty to our attention. We do not own the song Jerusalem. Contains some spoilers for Terry Pratchett's Night Watch. Betaed by [livejournal.com profile] cassie5squared and [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla

I know he was a weird little bastard, but there are limits. )
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Title: The Dying Flame
Author: Akatsuki Mikami
Rating: PG-13 for angst and talk of death
Sporkage by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie as Agents Lasa and Montbretia of the Department of Angst
Summary: Lasa and Mombi have to separate an anime character from a lot of whiskey. Literally. Betaed by [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend and [livejournal.com profile] cassie5squared

Stomach pump, please! I mean, I'd like one to take away. )
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Title: (Look at me) Looking in your eyes
Author: charlies_dragon
Fandom: Star Trek (2009) (a.k.a. Star Trek Reboot, Star Trek XI etc, you get the picture. The new one with the pretty CGI and pretty cast)
Obligatory Linkage:http://community.livejournal.com/dragons_horde/15408.html#cutid1
Rating: NC-17
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Notes: A short and sweet one. For a given value of sweet, anyway. We appear to be posting out of order rather, thanks to the ST:XI film being released in May while our last published mission was in February. If anyone's got any horrors for us to tackle that were posted before March 2009, let us know so we can fill in the chronological gap. Betaed by [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla and [livejournal.com profile] cassie5squared.

Pavel Chekov does not count as a Cute Animal Friend. )
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Title: First Time
Rating: NC-17 - dub-con, mentions of spousal rape, dubelube.
Obligatory linkage: http://community.livejournal.com/narnia_slash/399593.html
Sporked by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend, as Veridian and Stevius
Notes: This fic is another one of those really, really disturbing ones we take on. If dub-con disturbs you, please don't read on. This fic basically involves a terrified Skandar being relieved of his virginity by an oblivious Ben Barnes. The author appears to think that a) the smaller guy automatically bottoms, and b) it's somehow romantic to be horrifically frightened of sex and yet still go through with it. We'd rather like to smack her around and then send her to therapy for the obvious problems she has.

I'm almost starting to wish for some femmeslash, just so that I no longer have to suffer your apparent delusion that you are in fact Mr Keynes's rabidly over-protective mother )
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Title: Black and White UNCUT VERSION!!!
Author: True_enough1549
Obligatory Linkage: http://community.livejournal.com/narnia_slash/396114.html
Rating: R
Sporked By: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend as Agents Veridian Green and Stevius of the Department of Character Protective Services.
Summary/Notes: "Skandar and Will see each other on set of PC, and skandar is no longer is black and white. He's going to take full advantage this time around. Please review! Reviews=love!! Well i promised the uncut version so FINALLY here it is!!" is what the author had to say. 'Ridian and Stevius would prefer it to be summed up as 'inexplicable, badly-written underage smut', as they feel this has a closer relationship with the actual contents of the fic and is more easily comprehensible by people who aren't thirteen year old fanbrats.
The trouble with finishing missions at two in the morning is that our SPaG beta is fast asleep. [livejournal.com profile] cassie5squared, we're betting you'll spot at least five errors that we missed.

How many times have I pointed out that mentioning leisure activities in front of the console is a bad idea? )
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Title: Jungle Terror and Bungle in the Jungle
Author: dragonman
Obligatory Linkage: http://movies.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=544172236 and http://movies.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=544172484
Sporkage by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporking rated: R
Sporkers' notes: Yargh just about sums it up. Lex gets molested by compys. Trojie, Pads and Oscar are so horrified that words just about fail them. Then she gets molested by a raptor. Glod help us all. These two fics have been amalgamated into one mission because they are actually identical in everything except the species of molesting dinosaur. The author reused exactly the same opening and pretty much the same wording throughout both fics. We didn't see the need to waste time and words doing the same thing over twice.

Alright then, hitch up your panties and let's be off )
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Title: Jungle Fever
Author: dinolover
Obligatory Linkage: http://movies.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090260
Sporkage by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Rating: R
Summary: Jurassic Park pr0nfic - Tim has it away with a male Velociraptor. Yes, you did just read that right and no, we have no explanation whatsoever. Many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla for the beta-read, and for the loan of Agent Ansela.

Tell me I'm not the only person in the world who knows that not everything has a penis? )
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Title: A baby and his dog
Author: MaceEcam
Rating: Adult+
Obligatory Linkage: http://cartoon.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090822
Sporkage by: [livejournal.com profile] agenttrojie and [livejournal.com profile] tea_fiend
Sporking rating: R
Sporkers' notes: Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] ansela_jonla for the beta.

You have got to be kidding me. )
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